Alone

Chapter 15

"D- dying?......" I stuttered out. I glanced to the door to see Alex standing there. A look of shock and sympathy written across her kind face.

I looked back to me mom as my heart fell into my stomach and tears threatened to flow down my cheeks. I could tell my mom was devastated just like me as she nodded.
"I'll let you two talk, I'll come check on you in a minute sweetie" she caressed the side of my face before looking back at Alex. She stood up and left the room, looking back at me one last time before she turned and walked down the hall.

I began to hyperventilate as tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision. How could he be dying? It wasn't possible.

The terrible aroma of the alcohol he drank daily when I lived with him wafted past my nose. I scrunched my face up to try to shut it out but it kept coming. It felt as if it was seeping through my skin and into my head. Make it stop.

"Go away!" I waved my hands all around my head to try to wave the smell away but it only stopped when I
felt a warm sensation on my right hand.

I looked up to see Alex's kind smile staring back at me.
"I'm sorry" she whispered and wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace. I gasped at the warm feeling. It was so foreign now. All I felt was cold grief and despair. I kept asking myself why I was feeling like this, I hated my father. I guess deep down I still loved him despite all the horrible things he did to me and my mom.
I would never forgive him.

But there was something inside me making me so devastated with the fact that he was dying. How could he be dying? What happened?
I needed to find out.

I gently pushed Alex away and she looked at me and nodded, as if she understood what was going on in my head. Or she just understood that I didn't want a hug, the truth was i did want a hug. Just I needed to get up and talk to my mother.

Alex stepped back and let me stand up and wipe my tears away with my sleeves. But it was in vain because more tears continued to flow down my face as my eyes began to sting. A sinking feeling in my chest overwhelmed my entire body. I tried to fight it but it was to devastating. It hurt so bad. A terrible pain in my chest and stomach almost made me wanna clutch over in pain.

I fought the urge to lay on the floor and cry. I stood up straight and looked over at Alex. I took a deep breath and exhaled for a few seconds.
"I'm fine" I whispered to myself, even if it was a lie it needed to be said. Im fine, I repeated to myself.

I wasn't fine and I wouldn't be for a while. But I had to convince myself that I was. I kept repeating those two words in my head before I slowly walked over to the door.

I winced as I tripped over something and began to fall towards the floor. Dammit I couldn't do this right now. I felt a hand around my waist and Alex pulled me up to look at her.
Deja vu. That moment at the grocery store, the moment I fell in love. Alex stared back at me as I looked at her deep blue eyes. Her eyes were more beautiful than words could say. I loved her, I'd forgotten it and I felt ashamed for it.
"I'm sorry" I mouthed as I got my footing and hugged her. I heard her whisper something but I couldn't hear, my heart was beating so loud.

Was this the grief or was it excitement from hugging Alex? I didn't know. It was probably both. I looked over at my bed, the bags of clothes still laying there. 'Your father is dying', I tried to shut out my mother's voice but it wouldn't stop. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to imagine something nice.

Alex and I sitting on a blanket in the middle of a field, feeding each other strawberries and looking at each lovingly. That's was all I wanted. I needed that. I needed her.

I hugged Alex tighter as the vision vanished. She was right here with me. That was good enough. At least for now. I just wanted to stay there with her and melt into her embrace. It sent a warm feeling through me that threatened to chase away the despair. It almost did but in that moment more flashbacks hit me like a train.

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"Leave her alone!" My mother screamed as my dad raised a glass beer bottle to hit me. I had told him to stop yelling and he got so angry I got scared. My mother had showed up from out of nowhere and grabbed my dads arm before he could hit me with it. He scowled and turned his head to look at her. I backed away as quickly as I could. I stumbled as I ran up the stairs. I stopped halfway up and peeked through the wood supports to see my dad standing over my terrified mother. Her eyes were so wide and the terror written across her face was so much that it scared me too.

My dad made a fist and I looked away. I heard a small crack after the force of impact against skin and bones and I gasped. Tears stung behind my eyes but I didn't dare look at what he did.
"Dammit" I heard him whisper as I stumbled up the stairs. I didn't hear my mother so I assumed he knocked her out. The familiar sinking feeling in my chest consumed me as I pushed open the door to my room.

I heard my dad stomping up the stairs and i shut and locked the door as fast as I could. I backed away and stopped and sank to the floor when I hit the wall. I began hyperventilating as the door shook. It shook again as he beat it with his fist. It stopped for a few minutes and I sighed in relief.

I jumped as I heard the door crack.
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"No!" I screamed as I pushed Alex away from me and ran to the corner. I took deep, shallow breaths as I sank to the ground and hid my face in my hands before wrapping my arms around my legs. I put my head on my knees and my breathing became heavier. The crack from the door played over and over again in my head.
The sinking in my chest was so bad I felt like I'd die. Why was this happening to me now?

I felt warm hands on mine and I looked up to see Alex's tear stained face. I made her cry. I took a deep breath and all the tears escaped. They flowed down my cheeks in a steady stream as I stared at Alex through the blur of tears.
"I'm so sorry" my voice cracked and shook as I repeatedly apologized.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry" I stood up and shook my head as I shouted.
"I'm sorry!" I cried out to nobody.

"Hey, it's alright" I heard Alex's soft voice and I lifted my head to her tear stained face once again. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying anymore.
"I can't fully understand what you're going through and I'm sorry for that, but I want you to know I'm here for you no matter what" she whispered the last part into my ear as she wrapped her arms around me.

"I know"

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