지금, 당신이 어디에 있든 (Now, Wherever You Are)

b

Cheong San wasn't all that drunk. "I'm not all that drunk!" He said once, and twice, but of course people didn't believe him, people who stay sober at parties always think everyone is way drunker than they actually are. Cheong San was having a good time; he wasn't at a you-should-be-worried-about-your-health level of drunk, nor at a being-around-you-is-a-constant-fear-of-being-puked-on level, he was just having a good, good time. That plus his not having ever been drunk before, plus the uneasy state of mind in which he'd been for the past week or so resulted in him relishing the good, good time he was having all the more. To be fair, it did kind of look like he was a bit too drunk for his own good, but he was really not – one of the reasons he took longer than most of his classmates to drink for the first time was his fear of losing control of himself, in a sense. And now that he finally was drunk, instead of losing this tight grip on himself, he decided to keep it. He decided he would be careful, and he was being; he kept himself in a state in which he was still well aware of his surroundings.

What was more, the reason for his uneasy state of mind was further reason for him to fear losing control. The past couple of weeks, Cheong San had been stricken by a surge of self-criticism.

Put simply, "You're a coward," was what he told the image in the mirror, surprising himself one morning. He didn't know where that had come from, but he did know where that had come from. "You fucking coward." He almost wanted to say "Stop!" and demand his reflection to shut the fuck up. "Why don't you just do it? You know you can do it. But you're too much of a coward to do it."

That's true , he thought, I could do it. I should do it. I talk with Su Hyeok everyday, we're frequently alone, in a classroom, in the lab, in the bleachers... Why don't I just do it? Why don't I just tell him I like him?

And that thought refused to leave his mind in the following days. Everyday, in the morning he looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and wondered "Is it today that I stop being a coward?" And everyday at school he thought of sending Su Hyeok a text saying "Hey, can we talk?" During first period he thought, "Maybe I'll send it during second period." During second period he thought, "Maybe I'll send it during third period." When he got home he thought, "Maybe I'll send it tomorrow."

And so, each day, each time he saw Su Hyeok, each time they were chitchatting in class before the teacher arrived, or were paired for some activity, or in the cafeteria, or hanging out in the bleachers, he'd feel like there was something inside him that was about to burst out at any minute.

That was the main reason for him to look straight into his reflection's eyes in the bathroom of Su Hyeok's house and say softly (so there would be no risk of anyone listening, even though with the song playing loudly outside, he could just speak normally), "You have been a coward all this time. Since freshman year you have said nothing and done nothing when you had so many opportunities to do so. So please don't think of breaking your silence streak here and now." It really just wouldn't do for him to embarrass himself in front of everyone. "Go easy on the drinking so you don't make a fool of yourself." And follow his own orders he did.

He did feel the need, though, to check in on himself every once in a while; but his perception of time was not the best and certainly was not at its finest performance, so basically every five minutes or so he would go to the toilet to look intently at his own eyes and reassure himself that all was fine. When he was in the bathroom for what must have been, at least, the 19th time, a knocking came.

"Cheong San? Is everything alright?" Cheong San's legs almost failed him and for a split second he thought he was going to actually fall. It was Su Hyeok.