지금, 당신이 어디에 있든 (Now, Wherever You Are)

3

"Why did you come here?" I asked. I was lying on the floor, belly up, arms raised high, throwing a paper ball towards the ceiling with the left hand and catching with the right hand, then throwing with the right hand and catching it with the left hand, trying to make it reach the ceiling just enough to touch it but not too hard to make it change course on the way back, or it would probably go out of my reach, and I didn't feel like getting up to grab it.

"What do you mean? What else could I have come here to do? I came to rescue you." Su Hyeok was sitting against a wall.

"Well, I'm still here, so... the rescuing part didn't go as planned I suppose."

"Do you see a way out of here?"

"Do you see a way out of here?"

"What are you saying?" Su Hyeok asked. He had that tone he got when he was beginning to get stressed or annoyed or mad at me but still didn't quite understand what was the problem so he didn't want to be the one to escalate things first. It was one of the many things we shared only between us, I knew this tone perfectly well and understood what it meant; it meant "Dude, you're this close to getting on my fucking nerves with some bullshit, so are you gonna stop on your own or am I gonna have to make you?" Not that Su Hyeok would ever get near becoming physically aggressive with anyone, but he could destroy you in an argument if he wanted to. Someone else who listened to our conversation would not catch anything particular in Su Hyeok's tone, but I did. It was like a secret language of ours.

"Well I'm saying I'm still stuck here, for one thing."

"And I am not? Am I not stuck here, too?"

"You are."

"Then I'll ask again, what are you saying?" The tone was more present than ever.

"Why are you here? We were in the teachers' room. You got to get back. I didn't. I was cornered and had to run. I ended up stuck here. Why did you come?"

"Cheong San you better start making some sense. I know full well what happened in the teachers' room. What? Do you blame me? Do you think I left you behind to die? Do you think I did not want to kick myself for letting you get far from me and be able to get back? I climbed that firehose two stories up thinking I had just lost my best friend. I climbed into the room praying I was wrong.

"Or do you think I was chilling, knowing you were out here alone. When I saw you on that video from the drone, saw that you were alive, I came to rescue you, or at least try. Because this wasn't an option, Cheong San, I came because I had to. Because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I discovered you– died, and I hadn't done what I could to prevent it, and I hadn't tried everything. You think I'd be able to live just fine, don't you?" I didn't need to look to know Su Hyeok was crying. "After so long being best friends, I really do not appreciate you being an ungrateful asshole, Cheong San, I really don't, and I would've never expected this from you.

"Sometimes I think I don't know you anymore. For months you've been different. Two months ago was the last time you had time to come over, or to let me come over. Always too stressed with exams, or assignments, or whatever the fuck it was you used as an excuse. Before exams, it was 'oh I have to revise last year's stuff, cause I'm getting behind,' and before that it was 'oh I can't get bad grades, it's the end of the year, or I won't be in the third year with you.' Well, guess what? It fucking feels like you're not with me. Before that it was 'I'm just embarrassed because you saw me drunk and had to take care of me.'

"That was some bullshit. You were acting weird since way before that stupid party. And I asked you what was up and you refused to answer. You knew it, didn't you? You knew I was gonna confront you about it. So you got yourself drunk and blacked out. All that just so you wouldn't talk to me? This is not the Cheong San I've been friends with for so long. Every time you were pissed at me, you let me know. On your own way, not always arguing, but you let me know. Every time I fucked up, you'd tell me, insult me, scream at me, something. What did I do to deserve a silent treatment from you? What did I do?" His voice cracked in that last sentence.

I grabbed the paper ball and put my arms down, still clutching the it. "Hey, Su Hyeok?" Su Hyeok didn't answer. I didn't expect him to, I could hear Su Hyeok sobbing quietly. "You wanna know what I'm saying? There is a very low probability of us leaving this classroom and living. We'll probably die here or go out only to die two steps later." I spoke softly and quietly. "When I saw that we were divided back in the teachers' room, I was glad I was the one in disadvantage. Because it meant you had better chances at surviving. And I didn't mind it. I found this classroom and I thought 'He's safe. His back with the others. The others will need him to survive. He's strong and smart. He'll come up with a plan to save them.' But now you're here, and all that is gone." I sat up and looked at Su Hyeok's figure, sitting beaten down in a corner. I walked up to him and sat by his side. He had his eyes closed and head down, his chest agitated with the sobs. "It wasn't my intention to hurt you, or make you feel bad. I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do. Do you forgive me?" He lay his head on my chest and passed his arm over my upper body in a hug.