지금, 당신이 어디에 있든 (Now, Wherever You Are)

4

I hadn't realized how much I missed my Mom, until I heard Dae Su's song. All this time, we always had our minds so busy worried about the danger that was banging on the classroom door, or right around the corner, that it was easy to forget about everything else.

So now, on the rooftop, sitting around the fire, with a better sense of "this time they are sure to see us and rescue us", confident that we were of our "SOS" sign, we finally worried a bit less about the zombies, and remembered all the other aspects of our lives. And the memories of my Mom came to the surface. But I didn't like thinking too much about it, because not knowing was distressing. It was better to focus on surviving, and hoping she would survive too, so we could meet again.

Dae Su had a beautiful voice. I had heard it before, but unfortunately not many times. So I was thankful to Su Hyeok for having asked Dae Su to sing. Well, asked and encouraged the boy. That was something Su Hyeok knew how to do – encourage people. He always knew how to lift everyone's spirits, always pointing out the best traits each person had. I had always admired that in him very much.

While Dae Su Sang, I watched Su Hyeok. He passed his arm around Wu Jin and they swung together to the rhythm of the song. I know feeling jealous at this moment was silly, but I couldn't help feeling it a little bit. It was probably my guilt speaking, because I had been the one who was acting weird around Su Hyeok, he was right on every word he told me back in the Arts classroom. And now, I was afraid I had ended up pushing him away from me, and that I'd be replaced by someone else. And Wu Jin was a great guy, too! He was super sweet, and funny, he and I had always had a good relationship. Although we wouldn't usually hang out much.

He was pretty handsome, too. I wondered if Su Hyeok would be attracted to him. I pictured the two of them together, dating, and wondered if I would be cool with it. I don't think I would. What does that say about what kind of person I am? Not a very good one, I suppose. Probably not one who deserves someone like Su Hyeok.

-

"And who do you like, Dae Su?" Someone asked.

Su Hyeok pointed to Wu Jin. "His sister."

"Ha Ri?" On Jo asked, surprised.

"How about you, Cheong San, who do you like?" Dae Su asked, trying to take the focus off himself, and succeeding, because the group seemed pretty excited with the question, like they had been dying to know that. Su Hyeok, who was looking down, fiddling with something on the floor, looked up. His eyes met mine and he looked down again.

"No one," I said.

"Oh c'mon, there must be someone," On Jo said. "You never say, but I'm sure there's someone. I know of a lot of people who like you," she said excitedly, and then with a more somber tone, "Or, well, who liked you."

I noticed Su Hyeok glanced at On Jo quickly and looked down again. I sensed an uneasiness in him.

"Well, there is one person I like," I said hesitantly. "But they don't like me back."

"How do you know that?" Wu Jin asked.

Because it's you he's hugging right now, not me. I thought, but this felt ridiculous even in my mind. "Because... I just know. And they're mad at me, I think."

"Why do you think that?" Wu Jin asked.

"Because..." I looked down. "It's my fault. I haven't been very good to them. I've made them feel like they had done something bad, that it was their fault I was upset. That was unfair." I wanted to be saying this directly to Su Hyeok, I wished he understood my apology. And I wished I was more like him who had the courage to tell me what he was thinking in the Arts classroom and less of a coward who can't even look him in the eye. After a pause, I added, "It was my fault, and I hope he can forgive me."