The Man You Are (BTS Jungkook)

36: "It's Complicated"

I haven't gotten any word from anyone about going home already or what the deal is once the tour is over. I mentally punch myself for not keeping up with the schedule, that was fully my responsibility. The number of emotions running through my body in this moment is overwhelming.

"Have they not talked to you about it?" Jin smiles a little. Why is he smiling? He leans in slowly and motions for me to come closer to him. He holds his hand up to my ear. "I think they want to hire you on as our full time instructor." He speaks joyfully and I take in a breath.

"Really?" I give him a genuine smile. I was fully expecting to go back to my old job after the tour but this opportunity is unbelievable, I'm sure they all know I couldn't refuse it. This rather dreadful morning has turned at least half way around with this good news. I can't wait to be back home. Jin and I share a few more words before the whole car quiets down. It seems everyone is exhausted this morning. I wonder if Jungkook slept ok last night. Before I close my eyes, I peer back at the three boys. Jungkook, Yoongi and Tae all sleep soundly with their mouths open. The bags under Jungkook's eyes are noticeable even as he rests. I fight the urge to reach out and touch him. Everyone is asleep anyways... maybe I can. I begin to slowly move my hand to his knee just to let him know that I'm still here, even if we can't be together in the way we want to be. Seconds before I make contact, his eyes blink open. My hand stops. His eyes peer into mine momentarily. I sigh slightly before retracting my hand and turning back around. Now isn't the time, we need more space to figure things out. It sounds silly, but I miss him already. My heart physically hurts knowing that I can't have him all to myself, or even a piece of him at this point. Were back at stage one now and I can't help but to feel as if all of our progress is lost, that he's able to just throw it out the window and pretend as if nothing ever happened, and that fucking scares me. I close my eyes and press my lips into a flat line while I try and control myself before I start crying again.

To my surprise, and utter relief, I feel a hand placed on my shoulder. I already know who it is, but I peer down at the familiar hand watch as his thumb gently rubs over the material on my jacket. I let out a big breath and let a tear fall down my cheek. This was the only reassurance I needed from him right now. I slowly bring my shoulder up so I can press the back of his hand to my cheek, only briefly before releasing. He removes his hand after a moment and I feel calm for now. Hopefully everyone is still asleep.

The trip through the airport was quick and full of flashing cameras. I had my mask on and my hood engulfing my head, so did most of the other members. I think we're all ready to go back home. The flight was long but I slept through the whole thing, so did Yoongi next to me. For once, he's the one shoving my shoulder to wake me up. I groggily push myself out of my seat and head for the exit. I wish I had slept better last night, at least I was able to catch up on this flight. I wonder if Jungkook was able to sleep.

The second we step off of the plane and into the incheon airport, I hear the screams of many many people. The volume taking me by shock, I flinch. I become overstimulated quickly and squeeze my eyes shut. I nearly forgot we were back in their home country, where they have the most fans. I haven't been seen with them in Korea yet and I don't think I was prepared to confront this right now. Just as I am about to be sent into a panic attack, I feel a hand squeeze the back of my neck. My eyes shoot open.

"Are you okay?" Jungkook's face is so close to mine and his eyes are full of concern as he assesses my behavior. I meet his eyes that peek at me over his mask and see the number of flashing cameras reflected in them. What is he doing? As the fans notice the contact they get slightly louder and a few of them moan "aweee". This isn't good.

"I'm-I'm okay." I take a few steps out of his reach and politely bow to him. He can't forget that I'm nothing but a staff member in front of them. No matter how badly I wanted to tell him how overwhelmed I am so he'll hold me and comfort me, I truly can't. And that is the reality of our "friendship".