Eisoptrophobia - a ranboo angst

Chapter 7 - His battle with fate

self-harm, panic attacks, hateful comments, eating disorders, vomit, suicide, od. 

rushed.

   When I pressed that "Go Live" button I don't think I thought it through. I don't think I knew how this day was going to end. I don't think Tubbo or Tommy or anyone thought that's how this Friday would go. 

But it did.

   The stream started as planned, everything went well as we played You Laugh, You Loose like we did the last time we all met up. No one in chat suspected anything, I had my glasses off but that was because I had eye revealed not too long ago and I kind of wanted to see. The eye reveal was easier than expected so I hoped this would be too, I mean...it was just my mask. The lower half of my face, what could go wrong?

   About an hour in a half into the stream things started to get dry, so, Tubbo got up and declared he was going to make us some food. That's when it sunk in. What I was gonna do, the dread everything, all of it. My breathing quickened as I bounced my foot up and down and waved him off.  I blinked out as Tommy spoke to chat for a bit, spacing out and trying my best not to break down.

   "Ranboo?" He tapped my shoulder and laughed when I looked over at him with a confused expression, "You alright, mate? Lost you there." 

   I looked at his face, remembering we were live then chuckling, "OH yeah- sorry about that. Got lost in thought." He laughed and we talked for a bit, just updates while we let media share play. Before long I was laughing with Tommy again, forgetting about what Tubbo was doing in the other room until he walked in with three plates of food.

   "Dinner is served!" The brunette set down the plates in front of us.

  Tommy looked up at his best friend, his face beaming with excitement. I knew it wasn't about the food, though it smelt amazing. Toby sat next to me as I stared down at the food, taking a deep breath.

   My hand grazed the soft cloth wrapped around my ear, reading the chat that was unaware. I gently used my fingers to bring the strap up and around my ear, hesitating before letting the mask fall only handling off the left ear. My entire body felt like it fell through the floor as I took off the other side, setting it quietly on the table not daring to look up at Chat. 

  Tommy and Tubbo did as planned, laughing at the videos and giggling at each other as if nothing had happened. I took tiny spoon fulls into my mouth, quietly eating. It was all going fine, I even started talking again but I made a mistake.

  As I laughed my eyes quickly darted to chat and read a few messages.

"BROOOOO BROOOUFKEHLKSJCFHLKW:HG:<JFWLKSGH"

"DUDE OMG HE'S ACTUALLY SO PRETTY"

These warmed my heart and made me feel confident enough to look again.

  "oh damn"

 "dude...ngl he's not that good looking"

"r yall joking?"

"😐 k guys imma head out..."

  They were deleted by mods almost immediately, but not they weren't quick enough. My stomach jumped up into my throat and my eyes watered. I got up and ran out of the room, my chair rolled as I stood up too quickly, almost causing me to trip which only made my nausea worsen. I pushed the bathroom door open with such before it slammed into the wall before backlashing and shutting all the way, with a little help from me kicking it. I fell to my knees in front of the toilet, letting the half-detested food crawl out of my stomach.

  They were just words, it's just a person who has nothing better to do with their life. It wasn't true...it wasn't true. Then why? Why is it so hard to read the words without throwing up? Why can't I just be strong? Why can't I be like my mom? She takes on so much and still deals with my bullshit. Why?

  I finished emptying my stomach and stood up, using the toilet handle to help myself up, flushing the contents in it away. My throat stung. Toby and Tommy were at the door now, pounding on it and asking if I was okay. I could barely hear them as I looked up into the mirror at my tired face.

  I sobbed, looking myself in the eyes, "It's your fault.." I watched as the tears burned down my face."It's all your fault!! If you weren't alive none of this would be happening, she would be so much happier without you!!" My chest rapidly rose and fell again. I was hyperventilating, this wasn't good. My ears rang as I fell to the floor, scratching my arm over and over again until a burn was formed. That didn't stop me. My arms bled as the blood gathered in my fingernails.

  "Please open the door!" Tubbo cried and Tommy tried on the door handle successfully getting it open. Tommy rushed down to me, taking my hand away from my arm and pulling me into a hug. Tubbo opened the medicine cabinet, pulling out the peroxide when he saw me. 

  I sighed.

   We all sat on the ground, my back propped against the couch as Tubbo and Tommy were in front of me. My arm was wrapped, again this time in the spot that had been burned by my nails. They were talking about something I wasn't too interested in before Tommy stood up. "I gotta head home guys." He placed a hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him with a blank expression. "See you on the flip side, boss man." His smile was contagious.

   Toby and I hung out for a while, we didn't dare to talk about it. I assumed when I got up they ended the stream and didn't ask any questions. Eventually, he declared it was time for bed and climbed up as I climbed into mine. We lay in silence as I stared at my wrapped-up arm. "I'm sorry." 

  "Don't apologize, big man, it's no-"

  "I'm serious, I'm sorry. I'm always causing problems, you always end up fixing my mistake. So for that, I apologize." I said it and meant it. That's how I truly felt and I wasn't gonna take protests.

  I think he sensed the energy and hummed in response, "It's alright," He yawned and flipped on his side, "I don't mind."  A few minutes passed and I thought he was asleep until "Goodnight"

  I smiled softly but didn't say anything back. Soon, thirty minutes passed which turned into forty, into an hour and I was still staring at the ceiling. The sensation in my arm hasn't gone away, the pain throbbing throughout harder than ever but there's nothing I can do about that. I turn my head and my eyes meet the bright bottle set on the window sill. 

 My hand reached for it as I sat up and bought it in my lap. Reading the label, deeply considering it. What difference would it make? I'll be forgotten, replaced. It'll be fine, it'll be just fine. I threw a pill in my mouth, hoping it would stop the thoughts. When it didn't after 2 minutes I put two more in...then three, then six, then eight...and then half the bottle was gone. When I felt nothing I thought it had worked, so I closed my eyes and sighed.

stfu