Eisoptrophobia - a ranboo angst

Chapter 1 - The lesson

this is pretty much just a welCome to the story chapter or whatever :-p

TW/CW- Fat shaming, body dysmorphia, Facial dysphoria SH, abuse, manipulation 

"If you're ugly and fat no one will love you!" Everyone's taught that at some point, not by teachers or parents but by our peers. The kids on the playground playing house, the bullies in the hallways picking on the 'overweight' kid, your cousins, your siblings, the internet. They all tell you in some way shape or form, it could be the smallest sentence 'God! I wish I could look like her.' an add on the side of your screen, 'GET FIT!'  It's drilled into our minds and once you believe it it's hard to go back and once you show that you believe it; you're live bate. 

I sat in my chair, my face in my palms, sighing loudly. I was streaming, playing Phasmophobia for a sub goal, I'd just got jump scared by god knows what and I was recovering. I slowly pulled my hands off my face to read chat.

Can't wait for the face reveal stream!

Omg omg omg omg I bet you look amazing Ranboo!

My heart sunk, 'I planned that face reveal when I go to Tubbo's next' I smiled at the complement, knowing it was empty but it still made me feel good about myself. I laughed, "ohmygod that scared me sooo bad." I continued to play the video game, I streamed for about two more hours, views coming and going  people hopping in and out of the vc until I was finally tired enough to end stream. I paused the game and prepared to end, "Alright guys- I think that's enough for tonight!" I laughed and paused to read chat

Awwwwwwwwww

so soon?

BYEE 

"ahh-  'So soon?' Don't you all have school tomorrow?" I continued saying goodbye until the last minute, I got a dono like 10 seconds before I clicked end stream. It gave me enough time to read it.

***** Donated 20 dollars!

hopefully his face isn't fat- If he's not good looking I'm gonna be really disappointed :/

----------------CW IN COMMENTS-----------------

I raced down the school hallway and up the stairs, pushing past a crowd of people before stopping at the sight, my best friend being picked on by a bunch of bullies for being a "faggot". All the people in front on the circle had their phones out, waiting for someone to get hit. I felt my anger rise at the fact the no one, absolutely no one was gonna help him. I dropped my backpack and got in front of my friend, starring at kid below me. He was tall but not tall enough. Our eyes locked and he spoke, "Oh well, if it isn't the beanstalk. Coming to save your friend?" his pitying tone of voice made me wanna puke, I walked closer to him using my height to intimidate. 

"Yeah, I am. Got a problem with that?"  The circle around us was so big not even the teacher could get through. I looked down at his pathetic face and smiled, "You gonna say something?"  

He scoffed and put his hands on my stomach, pushing me back, making my feet struggle to catch me. I put an arm in front of my friend, protecting him while he gathered his things and ran into the crowd of people. "You think you're so cool don't you? Just because your tall?" He backed me into a wall before grabbing my collar and bringing my face down to his level, "Listen you fucking prick, you're height don't cover up the fact that you're a fucking fat ass. You always eat so fucking much at lunch, its disgusting." He pushed me to the ground and looked down at me, my face in shock and my mind racing. "How about you lose a few tons before trying to stand up for someone." I bit the inside of my cheek, "Take this as a life lesson bud: If you're ugly and fat no one will love you!" He walked away as the crowd faded, I put my hand on my stomach and scoffed, "Damn..he's right."

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I started at my twitch profile, the dono and memory playing over and over in my head. I placed my wrist over my stomach and winced, the sting of the pressure being applied to open wounds shooting though my body. Tears streamed down my face before I looked at the screen again, the screen changing to black as soon as I did, I saw my reflection in the screen. 

My puffy hazel eyes stared back at me, scanning every flaw on m face. I felt my breathing quicken and my tears pour, the more I looked at myself the more I hated myself. Why is my nose shaped like that? Could my mouth be any bigger? My eyes are too small, my foreheads too big, my hair is too fluffy, IM SO FUCKING UGLY!  I jolted up from my chair, my side hit the desk so hard it made the monitor fall flat on its face. The shattering sound startling me and making me fall to the ground, I crawled under the desk and tried to calm myself down. My breathing only got quicker and the tears kept coming. 

you're fucken worthless.

no no i'm not!

no one actually cares about you, because guess what? youre a pathetic fat ugly-

My door swung open, I slapped my hand over my mouth closing my eyes. I knew I was fucked, I woke him up.  I tried to quiet my shaky breaths down, "Where the fuck are you boy!?" I crawled out from under the desk, knowing if I stayed there and hid it was gonna be so much worse. I looked at my god forsaken step dad in fear, "What the hell were you doing under there?" I opened my mouth to answer but was interrupted by him pushing me to the side. He walked over to my desk and picked up my fallen computer screen, he starred at the shatter glass in awe before he looked at me again, "Did you break this?" I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say I looked at the ground. "ANSWER ME!" I flinched at his loud voice

"YES-" I yelled back in fear, I covered my mouth and looked at him again. I didn't mean to yell I really didn't. "I'm sorry! I didn't-"

"Oh so we're raising our voices now?" I shook my head getting ready to respond before he unplugged the broken monitor and threw it at me. I dodged it by falling onto my bed, frantically turning around to look at what he did, the wall had a dent in it and the screen bent. I watch as he walked towards me, "You ungrateful brat." He threw a punch at the side of my head, causing my eyesight to fail for a second, "we give you a home, a bed to sleep in and your own monitor and you go and FUCKING BREAK IT?!" I sobbed as he grabbed me by my wrist, pulling me to my feet. He must have felt the texture of the cuts because he stopped in his tracks. "He turned my lamp on and forcefully pulled both of my wrists into the light. 

The red liquid illuminating, sparkling under the lamp. I starred at them blankly, my headache only getting worse and worse as the silence grew louder. I pressed my teeth together, waiting for another hit but I got something else, "You do this?" He said, letting go of me, I rubbed my wounds and nodded. He sighed and plopped down on my bed, "You know, we try so hard to be good parents to you. We give you the best life and they way you repay us is hurting yourself? Breaking the things we give you?" My heart swelled

such a bad person. making your step dad sad like this? He's only yelling at you and hitting you because you're a bad kid. You deserve it.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that I just..." I sat down next to him, worrying about the man who beats me because some stupid voice in my head told me to, "..I just..didn't know what else to do." 

"Are you trying to end up like your cousin." My eye's widened, the memory of her funeral, finding out she had died, finding out how she died. It all rushed back the sorrow, the guilt, everything. He got up and walked to the door, "ungrateful." He spat, slamming the door on his way out.   

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SO MUCH PROJECTION LFMAO- uhm anyways so this kinda sucked </3 hopefully the next chapter is better :p *break dances* K BYEEEEEEEE