I won't drag you down with me

11. Stars

I was in an oddly good mood that day. I'd just had the shittiest therapy session of my entire life, where I had literally bawled my eyes out the entire time I was talking about my childhood, and yet I felt kinda good afterwards. Which in my own language meant I hadn't contemplated euthanasia in a good couple of hours. 

I was sitting in my room that afternoon - Ellie was on the phone with her parents - when I heard a knock on my door. I looked up from my self-help book "Reasons to be alive" (title that I found dramatically ironic, by the way) and said "Come in". 

The door handle budged, but didn't open. I put down my book and got up from my bed. Placing my right hand on the handle, I was about to open the door when a small, oddly shaped piece of paper slipped right beneath it. I picked it up from the floor just as I heard footsteps fading away. 

Meet me in the common room at 11pm. Wear gloves. And a beanie. A scarf, too.    

                                       Aiden                   

I'm pretty sure 17 words should not make my heart beat this fast. But they did. And it beat faster and faster with every word that sank into my brain and carved air out of my lungs. 

I couldn't suppress the smile that spread across my lips. This is crazy. I don't do crazy. I do comfort. I don't sneak out at 11pm with a guy that "cares about me''. 

Ellie suddenly entered the room, and I quickly hid the little piece of paper in the back pocket of my jeans. "What's got you smiling like that?", she pointed out with a curious grin. 

I bit on my bottom lip. "Nothing", I was quick to respond. Maybe a bit too quick. She got even more suspicious as she narrowed her eyes, but she didn't push it. 

"Sure", she trailed off, walking past me and sitting on her bed. And from that moment on, it felt like time had halted. I must have looked at the clock at least three times in the span of a minute. 

I tried to distract myself in the common room with Sarah and Noah, who had just gotten out of his room after 2 days straight. "You alright?", was the first thing I asked him. He nodded, but he sure as hell didn't look like it. I had grown to notice the signs of Noah's illness in the little time that I had known him, and every time I saw him struggle like that, my heart ached. I forced a smile. Noah's state of mind kept my mind busy for the next couple of hours and, after dinner, I made sure to go straight to my room and wait for everyone to go to bed so I could crawl out and meet up with Aiden in the common room. 

And, sure enough, he was there when I left my room at 11pm. The nurse's office had luckily cleared out, although I was sure the nurse on duty that night was somewhere in the building. 

Aiden was barely wearing enough layers of clothes for a little midnight getaway in the middle of winter in North Dakota. He was wearing a sweater and a denim jacket, which immediately caused me to stop in the middle of the hallway and eye him from head to toe. "Aiden, you're going to freeze to death"

As soon as he saw me, his lips curved in a smile. He didn't say anything, though; he just looked at me, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "What?", I asked. 

I knew why he was laughing. I just wanted to get him to say it. "Stop making fun of me. It's cold outside", I protested, suppressing a smile. 

"I wasn't. I just think you look very adorable". The sincerity in his voice sent chills down my spine. I played it off and shook my head with a smile that was definitely hard to keep on. We stood there, staring into each other's eyes, for a while.  

In all honesty, I had been thinking about what he had said last time we talked all day long. I simply couldn't get it out of my head. I could tell he was thinking about the same thing; maybe he wanted to bring it up, but I'm glad he didn't. I wanted to pretend it wasn't true, even if just for a couple of hours.