I won't drag you down with me

14. Change

"Merry Christmas!", I shouted from across the hallway to the other end where Mary was sitting behind her desk. She smiled back at me and waved her hand as I entered the common room. For once, the space felt cozy, and warm, and... homey. We never had Christmas decorations at home growing up, because my mum was always either too unbothered to put them on or her eyes were so swollen from endless nights spent crying over the millionth break-up that she would not even get out of her room. So, that day, entering the room made me feel like I was home, even though home had never looked like that. 

Green and red dominated the warmth-inducing space and made it look more like an home rather than a mental hospital. The room was packed with people. I scanned the familiar place searching for Sarah, Ellie and, hopefully, Noah. 

"Reese!", someone yelled from across the room. Ellie's hand waved at me, a modestly excited smile made its way on her lips. I caught up with my friends and could not help but be saddened by the presence - or, should I say, lack thereof - of Noah. 

"Merry Christmas", I kindly offered, and I was taken aback when Ellie reached out an hand and pulled me in a tight hug. I hated how stiff I was in her arms at first, but patted myself on the back when I was able to let my guard down and hug her back. Sarah then joined our hug and stroked my back up and down with her free hand, a gesture that I was not familiar with but that made me feel welcomed and cared for in a way I had never felt before. 

We sat down at the breakfast table which, for once, had been decorated with Christmas napkins and plates. I tried to hide my obvious attempts to search for Aiden from Ellie and Sarah, who were not that clueless but pretended to be for the sake of friendship. Although it wasn't the person that I was looking for who entered the room in that instant, I still jumped up from my seat and stood up in the matter of seconds. 

There was Noah, standing in front of the entrance, looking lost and overwhelmed by the amount of people in the cafeteria. I ran up to him and, without thinking twice about what I was doing, pulled him in a hug. 

I was scared he was not going to reciprocate or, even worse, pull away, but I sighed in relief when he wrapped his arms around me. Some would have called me crazy for doing that, but it's not like I wasn't crazy already. 

When I finally pulled away, I held his hands tightly into mine and smiled at him. He looked rough. Dark under-eye bags, pale skin and messy hair. His eyes pierced my heart. Hollow, bottomless nothingness. You could tell he had been heavily medicated just by one look in his eyes. It was dauntingly haunting. 

I guided Noah to our table. He sat in front of me, right next to Ellie. 

Sarah looked so relieved when she saw him. "It's good to have you back, Noah", she muttered, her voice breaking a little bit. 

"Talk about Christmas miracles, huh", Ellie commented, and we all laughed. 

Lucky charms were that morning's breakfast. I had gotten used to the thought of having milk in my cereal, but it was still as scary as it had always been. Every day, I had a spoonful more than the day before. I was determined to get to the bottom of that bowl, one day, but I needed to do it slowly or else I would have psyched myself out of the challenge. 

I was so caught up by the vibe in the room, and the silky liquid in my bowl, and Noah's come-back, that I completely forgot Aiden wasn't there.  After breakfast, we were taken outside. It was freezing cold; I had to clutch onto my jacket and my gloves to feel some kind of warmth. 

I watched the kids make snowmen and the grown-ups destroy them for fun. I was the only one who didn't partake in the activity. I felt serene, that morning. I smiled as I watched Daisy's snowman get torn apart by Noah and Sarah.