I won't drag you down with me

12. Inhuman

"Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late"

My head is a broken record at this point. "Do it, do it, do it" is all I hear. It's all it can think about. All I can think about.

I decide to just skip the song by Three Days Grace and play something else. Something a bit... happier. Maybe it'll make me happy. Isn't that what I should be, mom? Happy? Didn't you just say that I have no reason to complain because my life is "perfect" and I have all I need? 

Well, mum, I didn't realize the package came with suicidal thoughts, otherwise, I assure you, I would not have taken it. 

I walk along the deserted bridge but I come to an halt when I see someone's passed out on the side of the road. I don't see their face, but I can tell they're unconscious. Guilt instantly washes over me, as I know I'm about to do something very, very wrong and selfish. 

I start running as fast as I could. My heart is now beating out of my chest and my lungs aren't giving me the air that I need, because all I can think about is "RUN". I don't make sure they're okay; I don't try to help them. I just flee. Because that's what I'm best at. 

I looked down at my bowl. Then back up at Ellie and Sarah. Then I looked at the bowl once again. 

"I can't do this", I muttered. 

"I believe in you", Ellie encouraged me with a smile. I smiled back, but I'm sure I didn't look convincing at all. I really appreciated her support, mostly because she was had no idea what it was for and she was still giving it to me. 

It's just milk. Just milk. Come on, Reese. You got this. 

I picked up a spoonful of cereal, closed my eyes, and shoved it in my mouth. 

"Yay!", yelled Sarah. Ellie clapped her hands in excitement. 

I opened my eyes again, but very cautiously, as if I was expecting the world to crumble beneath my feet. 

Ok, now comes the chewing, I thought to myself. Come on, Reese. The hardest part is over. 

So I started chewing it and, though it felt foreign, milk tasted just like I remembered it. After a few spoonfuls, I couldn't help but smile. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. 

I couldn't finish all the cereal in my bowl, but I was still over the moon about the fact that I had just overcome one of my biggest compulsions. I still had a lot more to go, but I had learned to take life one day at a time.

After breakfast, we hung up Christmas decorations on the common room's walls. Sarah checked on me a few times to make sure I was okay. I felt fine. I would be lying if I said I wasn't still thinking about breakfast, but standing up was helping, in a way. I knew it was just another one of my pointless compulsions, one that I would have to overcome as well, one day but, as I said, I was taking it one step at a time. 

Standing with both feet on a chair hanging my Christmas tree on the wall, I almost fell off when I heard a sudden but very familiar voice say "Hey". 

I startled and ran a hand over my heart. "Jeez, Aiden. You don't do that to people standing on chairs!"

He smiled. I couldn't  believe I had never noticed how white and perfect his teeth were. The kind of smile you see in toothpaste commercials. What I also couldn't believe was that I was thinking about toothpaste rather than admiring his perfect features. His heart- wrenching grey eyes were so mesmerizingly beautiful that day, in contrast with the darkness of his curls.