I won't drag you down with me

7. Silent confessions

I had messed up.

Like, really messed up. No going back kind of messed up.

That was the only thing going through my mind as I sat at Mary's desk in the hallway and listened to her talk me through her ski trip with her husband.

Nod and smile, I repeated to myself in robot mode. It always works.

It looked like it hadn't worked that time, though. "I'm boring you", Mary said all of a sudden, in a matter-of-fact kind of tone.

I shook my head, trying to remember what she was talking about. "Absolutely not. Go ahead"

She sighed, and took off her glasses. I tightened the grip around my legs and lifted my chin to meet her eyes. "I've been working at Red River for forty years, kid. You don't fool me. What's wrong?"

I stared at her tired but charming blue eyes and hinted at a sad smile. Mary was like the grandmother I'd never got to have. She was thoughtful, caring, but careful to respect boundaries. I loved her attempts at taking my mind off things for a couple of hours while she told me about her life, her family, or whatever else she wanted to talk about. I didn't mind it, really. It worked most of the time. But not that day.

I shrugged and looked away from her intense glare. "I don't know. Just feeling a bit homesick", I responded, but that was a lie. Half a lie, at least.

I was relieved to notice she had bought it. She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and gave me what looked - to me - like a pitiful smile. But the pity I saw was just a reflection of my own. The pity I felt toward myself. Because I knew Mary meant well. "A little homesickness goes a long way, kid. Remember that".

I forced myself to smile as I nodded and rested my chin upon my knees. She then started telling me about that one time she flew all the way down to California with her husband, but honestly I wasn't paying much attention.

Someone walked down the hallway. I took my eyes off Mary and saw Aiden walking to the common room with his hands in his pockets.

My heart started pounding in my chest. What if he was looking for me? What if he was mad at me?

I mean, of course he was mad at me. I was mad at myself, too. I had regretted saying all those things at lunch as soon as they had come out of my mouth.

His past was none of my business. His life was none of my business. And I knew it wasn't my place to say what I had said, but I had been mentally overthinking every detail and every memory and every piece of information that I possessed over the subject from the very first moment he had set foot in there, and I couldn't keep it in any longer. I didn't want to own that knowledge. Owning it made me feel disgusting. And I knew it was selfish of me to need to share that self-disgust with someone else - anyone else - , but I couldn't help it.

"Reese".

I whirled. Mary's voice sounded so muffled in my head. She glanced at the hallway and a comprehensive smile spread across her face.

"Uhm... sorry", I apologized, closing my eyes. "I-"

"It's fine, dear. Go". I was looking at the ground now. The disappointed I would have seen on her face terrified me.

I didn't move.

"Reese". I looked up, and realized her smile was genuine. "Go."

"I'm sor-"

She shook her head and smiled at me as I stood up.

As I walked my way to the common room, I tried to come up with some kind of plan. By the time I was opening the door though, I had no idea what I was going to say to Aiden. How was I going to apologize?