I won't drag you down with me

10. Wounded animal

"It was very brave, what you did earlier", Ellie told me, after group therapy. It was the first time in days I had been in my room. I was thankful she hadn't noticed or hadn't pointed it out, because I couldn't explain it to her. To protect her, I was willing to sacrifice my own protection. 

"Oh, it was no big deal. I actually think it was a mistake", I admitted. 

"It wasn't". Ellie sat on her bed and took off her shoes. "It was very relatable"

"Oh", I said. "I'm sorry, I didn-"

"You say that a lot, don't you?", she noted, but she didn't mean for it to be rude or anything. She was smiling. 

"I get that a lot. I'm s-"

We both laughed. She crossed her legs as I sat on my bed, right in front of her. Her long, dark hair fell past her ankle. It was so beautiful. "It's hard to find someone that understands what you're going through when we all come from completely different backgrounds and cultures. So it was nice to hear you talk about something I can relate to", she explained. "Although sad, some might add", she added, with a nervous laugh. 

"Can I ask you something?"

Ellie smiled. "Of course"

"How did it start, for you?"

Her smile faded away a bit. I was about to apologize, but she preceded me. "It's okay, really". She seemed to take some time to think about it. "Growing up with Asian parents is tough sometimes, I think. Most Asian beauty standards are unrealistic and extremely hard to live up to. I guess I just wanted to fit into my own culture. I hated when family members would come to visit us from Korea and hint that I needed to lose weight or change something about myself that didn't conform to the standards. Cutting was just one of the many ways I had found to punish my body for not fitting in"

Her story resonated with me on a deep level. Was it really just a mere distraction for me? What if I just wanted to punish my body for all I had been put through?

It took me a couple of days to realize that me and Ellie weren't so different, after all, and maybe we could get along. 

And we did. It was hard for me not to think about the risks of our friendship, considering she made up for everything that I feared, but I tried not to think about it. And knowing that I only had one month left in there made it a lot easier. 

Something that made it even easier, however, was my never-ending attempt to avoid Aiden. Weirdly enough, I did want to talk to him. Apologize for the sleepless night he had felt compelled to spend with me. And, despite his own attempts to avoid me, on a cold night in the second week of December, I couldn't sleep so I got up, unconsciously hoping to find him in the common room. 

And, sure enough, he was there. I tried not to make any noise as I opened the door and closed it behind me. I was about to speak when I noticed he was sleeping. I tip-toed my way around the couch and sat next to him, careful not to wake him up.

I looked at him, fully conscious it was kind of creepy. His arms were crossed over his chest and his legs rested on the coffee table. A strand of dark, curly hair had fallen in front of his eyes. I reached out a hand and slowly moved it out of his sight. 

That's when his lips curled in a little, evilish smile. He opened his eyes and I immediately pulled away, extremely embarrassed. 

"I'd consider that kinda romantic if I didn't know how much you hate me", he mumbled in a sleepy voice. His eyes looked tired, but his smile was beautiful. However, you could almost always tell it wasn't genuine. It hid an amount of pain nothing could have concealed.