Come Back Home (Lams Celeb AU)

Either Way

I’ve been up for hours. I finished the song. But I’ve just been reading over the lyrics. I haven’t been able to sleep since I wrote what I did.

That one line I couldn’t get right? I put the final touches on it. ‘Would you have me if I come back home?’

Now it’s not much to think about, truly, but I wrote that line while I was thinking of Alex. Now that the line was.. Well, perfect, it made me sad. I had to go back to LA, I had to leave.

Then, you know, I started spiraling down a rabbit hole and one lyric after another and suddenly Alex’s name is in the song. Not a reference to him, literally his name. Well, I guess his nickname.

I wrote that I ‘only feel the ground under my feet when, Lex is standing right there next to me.’ What has he done to me?

I can’t publish this, fans would go crazy, and not in a good way. But at the same time, I don’t want to change it to anything else.

Maybe I should just postpone releasing this song. Wait for people to calm down. They’ll move on to the next thing soon, I’m sure. I mean, I didn’t mess up as bad as Jake Gyllenhaal did, right? Or maybe I did, I’m not really sure.

I groan and place my head in my hands. I had approximately twelve hours left before Carrie came and dragged me away, possibly for good this time.

But did I really want that?

Part of me just wanted to stay here. I wanted to stay with Alex. But I ruined what he had with Elizabeth, would he even want me to stay anymore?

But it didn’t matter. I had to continue where I left off. I’ve caused enough trouble here. It probably would have been best if I didn’t come back to New York. I should have just flown Martha in to LA to visit with family, this was clearly a mistake.

If I stay, life is going to be pretty weird and difficult, but maybe I’ll be able to stay with Alex. If I go, life will go back to normal, but I’ll probably never see Alex again. It was a lose-lose situation, and I had no idea what I even wanted. My head and heart were battling it out, both trying to win the right to decide what I should do. I know I should listen to my head. Logic is pretty much always the best option. But my heart wants Alex.

Either way, there’s still the slight chance that I lose everything. I really fucked up this time, didn’t I.

I grab my phone and look at my text messages. The last text I had sent was to Alex, telling him I was on my way to let him into my apartment. The last text I had received was from Carrie, telling me everything I was doing wrong, and how I needed to fix it. I go to click on Alex’s contact, but before I can my phone dings, showing another message.

It was one from Carrie. Well, two, actually.

Boss Lady Hey, how’s that song coming along?

Boss Lady And don’t pretend to be asleep, I know you and your terrible sleeping habits.

I chuckle softly at her text and respond.

Me It’s coming along. I’ve just been thinking about everything happening right now.

There was a few minutes before the next text. I saw the typing bubble pop up quite a few times before disappearing, and then reappearing. I sigh and set my phone down, but as soon as I do, it dings again.

Boss Lady This Alex really means something to you, doesn’t he.

Me Yeah.. I maayyy or may not have put him in my song 😬

Boss Lady …

Boss Lady Like, subtly or..?

Me Like I put his name in one of the lines.

I send her a picture of the line and she simply replies with,

Boss Lady Jesus Christ John.

Me Is it really that bad?

Instead of answering my question, she types back,

Boss Lady You know you can’t stay in NY, right? Especially not after what happened with Alex. You have to come back to LA if you want any hope in getting your name out of the dirt. I’m pulling a lot of strings for you, but you have to put in some effort, too.

Me I know, I know. I’ll try and find a way to replace it so it’s not as straightforward. Come by the hotel tomorrow morning, ok?

Boss Lady Will do. Please try and get some sleep tonight.

I sigh and set my phone down, looking at the time on the alarm clock. It was currently 2 in the morning, and it was very likely that I would not be getting any sleep, not with all of this on my mind.

I shake my head and try to shake Alex out of my thoughts, erasing the line on the paper and trying to figure out a replacement.

Timeskip brought to you by two birds on a wire

I hear a knock on my door and I jolt up. I was only kind of dozing off, not fully sleeping. I groan and rub my eyes as I walk over to the door. I open it up, yawning slightly.

“Damn John, how much sleep did you get last night?” Carrie asks, holding a brown paper bag in one hand and a tray of two coffee cups in the other hand.

I move out of the way so she can enter my room and look at the clock. It read that it was eight in the morning.

“Um.. Twenty minutes? I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep. But it’s fine, I’m not-” I pause and yawn again. “Not tired.”

She sets down the stuff in her hands on the table and then digs through the bag, handing me a coffee cup and a donut. “Here, I brought breakfast. Hopefully this wakes you up a little bit so I can hear what you have from your song so far.”

I take the items from her and nod. “Thank you, Carrie.” I take my seat back on the couch and sip my coffee, desperately needing it. I grab the few papers off the table and hold them up. “Here, why don’t you read through the song first, see if you would change any of the lyrics.”

She grabs the papers and starts scanning over them as I eat a bit of my donut. She shakes her head.

“You’re a musical genius, John, this is why I wanted to work with you.” She says. “But you know you can’t write this about Alex.”

I sigh and sink into the couch some more, stuffing my face with my donut and not replying.

“John, I wouldn’t have had a problem if it was before this whole thing. Or if he wasn’t previously engaged to someone else.” She sits down on the coffee table, still looking over the song. “I wanted you to find someone, actually, so you would enjoy being in this business a little more, maybe even write more songs like this. I hope you understand that.”

I nod. “I know, I know. You don’t have to remind me that I messed up, you know.” I mumble, sipping some more of my coffee. I wasn’t awake enough for a lecture.

“I wasn’t trying to scold you, I was trying to tell you that I was sorry that all this happened.” She sighs. “Maybe, if you give it a few months, you and Alex could eventually-”

“No, don’t say it. Alex won’t want to be with me. I’m hoping him and Elizabeth will get back together. Wouldn’t that be better for my career anyway?” I ask.

She hesitates but nods. “Well, yes, because then we could really just spin it into a couple of friends, nothing more, but are you sure that’s really what you want?”

“I.. Don’t know.” I admit. “I really don’t know what I want anymore, Carrie.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile and then stands up, walking over to sit next to me and pull me into a side hug. “Well, you know I’m here, John. And I am pretty good at my job, so I’ll make sure you can continue to do your job.”

I smile slightly. “Thanks Carrie, I appreciate you.”

“Of course, John.” She sits up, placing the song on the table. “Alright, now let’s finish this bitch.”

1432 Words