some other time

chapter 9

chapter 9

"shot!shot!shot!" tangina. nahihilo nako.

san ba yung cr dito?ang ingay!

akala koba swimming lang?makikibirthday? tangina bat ako nilasing. san ba si marie?

while looking for her bigla akong may nabanggang guy at muntik nakong matumba dahil sa sobrang hilo buti nalang ay nasalo ako.

"im sorry, nahihilo na kasi ako sorry, sorry-" nagulat ako nang makita ko siya.

"fer?ikaw bayan?"

nakatitig lang siya sakin.

"why are you ignoring my calls rein?"

i laugh. "how come?nasa manila ka ah?yun ang destination niyo diba?"

hindi siya sumagot.

"saan bahay niyo?hahatid na kita.." hahawakan na sana niya ako pero iniwas ko yung kamay ko.

"fer, im.sorry' sht. nahihilo nako.

"tara na, hindi mona kaya. ill drive you home." no!

"no! kaya ko ang sarili ko! " nagulat siya sa sigaw ko.

nabitiwan niya mga kamay ko dahil sa gulat.

that was the first time na makikita niya akong ganito.

i feel so stupid.

bakit ngayon pa kami nagkita?hindi bat asa mindanao siya?hindi bat sa manila?bakit andito siya?

"anong ginagawa mo rito?"

nakatitig lang siya sakin.

sht. nahihilo na talaga ako. naiiyak nako..

"fer, what are you doing here?"

"i came here for you , isang buwan nakong nagaantay. hindi mo na ako kinausap. rein atleast magpaalam ka. kahit bilang kaibigan nalang.."

i looked at him.

he look.. tired.

" kahit wag mo na akong mahalin rein, kahit manatili nalang ako at kung aalis ka. kahit magpaalam ka manlang sakin"

he's crying...infront of me.

"mahal na mahal kita eh, tangina. bat mo naman ginagawa sakin to, gusto kolang magmahal. gusto kolang. bakit ba parati nalang ganito?"

"im sorry..."

he smiled. "tara iuuwi na kita."

hindi ako gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko.

"ker hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam sasabihin ko. sorry. sorry kung bigla akong nawala. sorry"

i cried. "i only need myself right now, im afraid fer. takot na takot ako. i want that freedom where everyone can hear their own voice. gusto kolang lumaya, maging masaya where i could feel myself free from everything. i want to set aside those heartache and pain. gusto kong simulan lahat sa sarili ko fer. since day one, i was sincere when i said that i liked someone na. na even i want to take a risk i cant na. i know that i didnt said that to you directly but u already know na i have a feelings for you. kaibigan kita yes i know that. i know na everytime i upset everytime na masasaktan ako. everytime na mangiiwan ako i should inform you so you could be ready from everything that would happened next. kaso mahirap. ang hirap. ikaw yung nanjan sa mga panahong walang wala ako, sa mga panahong kailangam ko ng masasandalan. im lucky to have someone like you yet we are not the same. ur not lucky to have me.Sorry fer. sorry if i hurt you. your feelings as well. i didnt mean to. im sorry..."

nakatitig lang siya sakin.

i cried more.

" if i could just do something to escape with this kind of situation that feels like a prison hell i will runaway and take myself in a place where i could feel that im still alive. na theres a life out there is waiting for me to finally accept it. but do you know what sucks the most? even i wanted to accept and reach that i couldnt let myself. im stuck between my choices and decision na hndi ko alam kung saan lahat papatungo, dahil may mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin at ipaintindi sainyong lahat but at the end of the day, i only have myself. ako lang makakaintindi sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. i know u said na u would be there for me but i dont want anyone to fix me tapos kayo yung masisira dahil sakin."

tiningnan ko siya.. sa mismong mga matang napupuno nadin ng luha.

"id rather die in sadness than let someone who is capable of breaking their pieces just to fix me.
and im sorry, im sorry if i put you in a situation that you've been trying to cope up from the past. im sorry ,you have to feel that heartbreaking pain again . even i am not the same person who did that first ,still nasaktan kita."

"but please, you are loved. hindi ka mahirap mahalin.. hindi ka mahirap intindihin. you are worth it. worth to loved and our friendship would not end like this. ill make you sure that."