Dear Payton,

Chapter 16

It's 12:51pm and I closed my eyes to calm myself down. It felt like my heart was bruising the inside of my chest with every beat. I stared getting cold sweats and I felt my skin crawl. I heard these screams in my ears, as if my mind and thoughts were sitting on my shoulders yelling at me. I began to whisper to myself, "Shhh, it's okay. These voices aren't real, they're just your thoughts." I whispered fast and faintly to make sure Payton and the doctor couldn't hear me. I sat up in the hospital bed and I started to breathe heavily. It constantly felt like my lungs weren't getting enough oxygen. I opened my eyes and and I heard a deep voice ask, "Sam?" It was my dad standing in the door way. But that's impossible, we're in Chicago. & I don't want my dad to see me like this, especially for the second time since mom died. Payton grabbed my hand and I looked over to her. She smiled at me and then I looked back at the door and my dad was gone. The doctor got out of his chair and I jumped frightened by the sudden noise. Payton leaned over an said, "It's okay! He's just gonna check your blood pressure, maybe give you some medicine, and we'll go home." The screams became louder and louder. I didn't want to go home, I was too scared. I didn't want to disappoint Payton, it's only been a day and I'm already going crazy. I calmed myself down and took deep breaths once more. All I could think about was I had to remember to breathe. Then I heard the doctor say, "Alright. Sam, pick an arm." He undid the velcro and I held out my right arm. I felt like a rush of anxiety just drowned my body. I couldn't even think or come up with a reason why I felt this way. I think it's because I feel guilty, maybe because I'm not being honest. He asked me what's wrong many times and I just said, "I'm fine." He wrapped the cuff around my upper arm. I felt the blood pressure monitor inflate and the doctor was looking at me with a weird, worried look. Once it deflated he said, "Okay, your blood pressure is very high. Is there something wrong Sam?" I hesitated for a good minutes to find the right words, then I finally said, "I have this anxiety. I over think things and that makes it harder to do the simplest tasks. It's just really bad nerves." Payton held out her hand and I grabbed it. She looked at the doctor and said, "Her mother passed away a while ago. It's been pretty hard on her." The doctor shook his head and said, "Well, a family death or traumatizing accident can result to many things. Depression, paranoia, anxiety.." Payton interrupted and asked, "What about night terrors?" He shook his head and said, "Yes. Nightmares usually include whatever you think about the most or what's on your mind before you go to bed. Some recommend watching a good tv show or reading a book before bed to relax your mind." Payton kissed my forehead and looked up at the doctor. "So, what's her diagnostic or what happened to her?" The doctor looked at his clip board and said, "I think she just had an anxiety attack. Maybe from lack of sleep or the move was too stressful. I'm pretty positive Sam will be back to her normal self in no time!" The words replayed in my head, This doctor was stupid, he had no idea what's going on in my head. I'm not normal & I'm not okay. But then again, no one really is. But I definitely didn't feel normal or myself. I felt weird, guilty, hurt, and I got these random knots in my stomach. When I was younger, one of the worst things you could call someone was a liar. Even though I lied a lot, it was always for the best reasons. Like telling my old friend that her ex would come back, knowing every time he wouldn't. Lying still gave me this aching in my chest. I could literally feel my heart shatter and the piece rip apart my ribs. I think lying for me meant I was too weak to say the things I always wanted to. Being weak was also a big deal to me. I looked over at the doctor and he prescribed me with medicine that would help me sleep. He handed the slip to Payton, patted my shoulder, and said, "I know it's hard to lose someone you love. Everyday is a fight and a struggle. You feel alone, hurt, and it's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that they're not here anymore. But always remember, they love you & they want the very best for you. So do that very thing, it doesn't have to hurt Sam." I smiled at him softly and sat up in the hospital bed. The doctor left and said, "Y'all take care!" "Thank you very much Doctor Brown!" Payton said, then she handed me a grey, overnight bag. "Here's some clothes, baby. I'm gonna go downstairs and sign some papers. Come down when you're ready." I faked a smile as best I could and then Payton kissed me softly. I smiled for real this time and I whispered to her, "I love you so much." Payton looked into my eyes and kissed me once more. "I love you too. I promised forever & forever I will stay." She said before getting up and walking towards the door. Before she left she said, "There's an elevator at the end of the hall on your right. I'll be on the 1st floor. See you in a bit babe." After Payton left, I took off my hospital gown, and I looked down at my stomach. I felt these burns going across the middle of my torso. They felt like razor burns but in reality they were marks from where Jeff picked me up. I started to trace the scars and they went all around to the side of my hips. I couldn't remember much of what happened. I started to cry but I just shook it off. I took a few deep breaths and then I put on my Nike sweatshirts and an R.I.U sweatshirt. I folded the hospital gown, laid it on the bed, and put my hair up. I grabbed the overnight bag and walked down the hall to the elevator. I pushed the button down to the main floor and as the doors were closing I heard a guy yell, "Hey! Hold that elevator please?" I stuck my arm out and the doors opened back up. This young man walked in and said, "Thank you! The elevators to go back down take forever here. Probably because all the doctors use them for patients and stuff." He looked younger then me, probably 19. He was taller then me too, he had blue eyes, tan skin, beautiful white teeth, and not the thinnest person but definitely not fat. He was pretty cute and he had on a pair of jeans with a duck hunting shirt. He looked like one of those guys you wouldn't see in the city very much. He held out his hand and said, "Hi, I'm Cody by the way." I shook his hand and said, "Nice to meet you, I'm Sam." He looked down at my sweatshirt and said, "You go to R.I.U?" "Yeah!" I said. He smiled and replied, "I used to date a few girls that went there. I doubt you know them, they never went to school." "You used to live in Rhode Island I'm guessing?" I asked. He shrugged his arms and said, "Eh, for a bit." The doors opened up and I saw Payton waiting for me at the front desk. Cody held out his arm and said, "Ladies first." I walked out and said, "Thanks!" Payton walked over to me and Cody said, "I gotta go! It was nice meeting you!" I smiled at him and said, "You too!" Payton walked over to me and asked, "Who was that?" I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Some dude I met on the elevator. He was sweet.." Payton smiled and put her arm around my shoulder. "He was probably hitting on my super hot fiancé." I looked down at my finger suddenly and I couldn't feel my ring. "Payton! Where's my ring?" I asked frantically. Payton then kissed me out of no where to calm me down. "Baby! It's okay. It's at the house, Jeff found it when he got there." "Jeff, is he okay?" I asked. "Jeff's fine! He's waiting for us and then he's going back to Rhode Island tonight." I smiled and said, "Okay, good." Payton took the overnight bag from me and said, "Okay gorgeous. Let's go get something to eat. I'm thinking somewhere close. I could use a glass of wine, some good salad, or maybe an Italian beef fillet." I smiled and said, "Payton, you're a vegetarian and how do you know anything about Italian foods?" "New city, new life, new fiancé, new home, new job. I bet I can start to eat new foods too. You know I wasn't always vegetarian." I laughed at how cute and adventurous she was. Payton walked me out to the car, when she opened her door, she smiled, and said, "Oh my god! I know the best place!"