Dear Payton,

Chapter 8

It's 2:17p.m, Payton and I are driving to the therapist office in downtown Providence, Rhode Island. I asked Payton to drive cause maybe it would calm me down a bit before the appointment. She's driving with her left hand and holding my hand with her right. Every second we get closer I can feel myself get more and more nervous. I don't know what it is about therapy that freaks me out so much, maybe cause I don't want to accept that I actually have a serious problem. Maybe it's because I don't want to solve them or talk about it, I hate talking about myself cause I feel selfish. I began to shake and breath heavily, I heard an ambulance coming up from behind us and it made me shiver with anxiety. I closed my eyes and leaned my head onto the window. I instantly imagined Payton's car wrapped around a pole like in my dream, I imagined the ambulance truck and the stretcher going out to Payton's body. I ran over to her and I leaned over to see her dead and lifeless body laying there and all of sudden she grabbed my arm. I woke up hyperventilating and Payton had her arm on my wrist. She said, "Sam, it's okay. It was just another nightmare, sweetheart." Tears started pouring out my eyes, I leaned over to Payton, and wrapped my arms around her. I started to cry my eyes out more and more on her shoulder and began pleading out to her, "Payton, I love you. Please never leave me, no matter how bad I get, or how awful I become.. Please promise." Payton rubbed my back and began to tear up and whispered, "I promise, I'm not going anywhere." She held me for 10 minutes and talked to me to try to improve my confidence to actually go inside. She asked me if I was ready and I shook my head yes, she had such sadness and worry in her eyes there was no way I could say no. She got out of the car and ran over to my side and opened my door and grabbed my hand. She kissed it softly and lead me up the stairs to the doors of the office. I opened it slowly and walked inside, the office was small, the lights were dimmed, and it smelled like air freshener and mothballs. It had a modern look, with blue and brown colors, and had dozens of pamphlets on how to deal with depression and anxiety, all lined up on the back wall. Payton sat me down, kissed my forehead, and signed me in. We waited for about 5 minutes then a gorgeous girl in a black suit walked out and called for me, "Samantha Wright?" I got up and when I was just about to walk away, Payton grabbed my hand and whispered to me, "Breathe, it's going to okay. I'll be right here when you're done. I love you." I smiled and kissed her once again and said, "I love you too."

It's 2:37p.m, I'm in the therapist office talking to Dr. Anderson. She had long brown hair, a thin body, tan skin, and hazel eyes. She was very professional and held herself quite well. She had a lot of confidence in her posture but made sure no one noticed. She began to ask me easy questions, like where Payton and I met, how long we've been together, stuff about my family, ect. She also asked about my coming out and how much stress it created in my early life. Then she asked me what was wrong and I told her, "I've been having these awful nightmares. Not normal nightmares but ones where I wake up screaming, crying, aching, emotionally damaged. I get them about 5 times a week and I can't seem to stop them." She nodded for a little bit, wrote some things down and then she asked, "How long have you been having these night terrors?" "About 2 months." I said quietly. She wrote some other things down and began to ask me other questions. "Have you ever had anxiety, depression, paranoia, schizophrenia, or night sweats, ect." I told her about my depression as a teenager and how high school emotionally damaged me. Then after 20 minutes of talking about my early teen years, she went on to say, "I think with you're experiences and stress level, you have a disorder known as Nightmare Disorder, also known as Dream Anxiety Disorder. The nightmares often portray the individual, such as yourself, in situations that jeopardizes their life or personal safety in a certain way. Though such nightmares occur within many people, those with nightmare disorder experience them with a greater frequency. Tell me about the nightmares you've been having." I told her about the recent nightmares I had and she concluded that she believes it's still Dream Anxiety Disorder. Then I went on to ask, "How do you cure it? Is there a certain treatment option or is there medicine to help me sleep better?" She shook her head and then said, "There is medicine for it, but I probably won't prescribe it to you until you try the treatment options. There are ways to cure it without therapy, I would suggest trying to relax your mind before going to bed by reading a book, cleaning, maybe watching a little TV. I also heard that yoga helps a lot too, it helps relieve stress and helps your body rest in ways sleep can't. Having a good meal and fitness plan could also help you out as well. Just be sure to give yourself a break everyday for at least an hour. I know moving, and the nightmares, the engagement, dealing with her family and your family, and work, it's all very stressful. But, it's not about what is stressing you out, it's about how you handle it." I shook my head and said, "thank you very much for all your help doctor! This probably won't be the last time you see me." I smiled and she lead me to the waiting room. Payton got up and walked over to us and said, "How did everything go?!" I smiled and Dr. Anderson said, "Everything went fine! It's nice to see you again Payton, you look like you're doing really well! & congrats on y'all's engagement! I hope to hear from you two very soon!" I said, "Thank you! And it was great seeing you and meeting you! Thank you again for everything!" Payton and I said our goodbyes and we walked back out to the car. I got in and told her what Dr. Anderson had said, "She says that I have Dream Anxiety Disorder, it's a disorder where someone has night terrors about there personal life being drastically changed for the worse. It usually puts the individual in certain situations where there life or personal safety is 'jeopardized'" She shook her head and began asking how to cure it and I told her what Dr. Anderson suggested and she agreed to help however she could. Payton drove me home and then once we got inside, she kissed me on the cheek, and lead me to my favorite chair in the living room. She sat me down and got me my favorite pillow, feather blanket, and my favorite snack. She leaned me back in the recliner and handed me the TV remote. She told me to watch TV while she gets groceries and she'd be back in about an hour or two. She kissed me goodbye and then I watched Grey's Anatomy for an hour and a half.

It's 5:49p.m, Payton walks in with about 7 bags on each arm and I run outside to get the rest. After she puts everything away, she walks over to me in the recliner with 4 other bags. She pulls out a yoga matt that came with a yoga and meditation guide, a stress relieving DVD, 3 bags of my favorite candy, a new blanket, and some good movies she found for under $5.00. I smiled and hugged her as hard as I could and said, "Baby, I am the luckiest girl in the world. You are so wonderful to me, God I love you. Thank you for everything, this really means a lot." She sits in my lap and kisses me again and says, "Hey, I'm just making sure my baby is okay. I love you too and I know how stressed out you've been. We'll get through this okay?" I smiled and kissed her passionately as I placed my hand on her stomach and leaned in a little closer. I kissed her more and more and she put her hand on the back of my neck to kiss me harder. I put my hands on her hips and moved her to the front of my lap to where she was straddling my waist and faced toward me. We began making out while I moved my hands up and down her back to give her chills. She began to breath harder and moan in-between each little kiss. I bit her lip and her hands gently made there way up my shirt and to my chest. I kissed her collar bone and kissed up her neck and to her ear where I whispered, "You know what's a really good stress reliever?" She moans, "Mmm, what baby?" I whispered back sexually and said, "Sex." She moaned and kissed me hard again while sticking her tongue in my mouth and biting my lip. She slipped her hands out of my shirt and to my shoulders. I slipped my hands under her shirt and began to feel her chest as I kissed her jaw line. She then took off her shirt and mine as well. I leaned back and moaned as she made her way down my neck. She started kissing my body and my stomach before she kneeled down to the floor. She kissed my inner thigh and I held her hair up as she bit her lip at me. I lifted her chin up and leaned over her to kiss her while she's still on her knees. I took her bra off slowly, then I got up, and told her to lay on the couch. She laid down and I got on top of her, I straddled her waist and leaned over sucking on one tit and massaging the other. She got more and more turned on as I teased her for 15 minutes, after that, I gave her everything she's been begging for.