Dear Payton,

Chapter 17

It's 6:03pm, Payton and I had just gotten home. She parked the car and I saw one of our neighbors walk outside. She looked over at me and I smiled at her, trying to be friendly. She gave me this strange look and then kept walking. "I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm insane now." I said frustrated with myself. Payton looked up from her phone and hesitated for a few seconds. She laid her hand on my leg and said, "Hey, fuck what these people think. It's gonna take a few days to get used. Don't worry about them." I shrugged my shoulders and got out of the car. I walked up to the glass door and I could see my reflection. I looked at myself for a few minutes while Payton was looking for her keys. I had these dark circles under my eyes and my skin was pale. I had never noticed how sick I really looked. My muscles were weak and my throat was sore from screaming so much. I was still looking at my reflection when at the corner of my eye I saw the man standing behind me. The same man that was banging on the door when I had the panic attack. He was mouthing something to me but I couldn't understand or make out what he was trying to say. I closed my eyes and whispered to myself, "It's not real. He's not really there. You fucking idiot, he's not there." I opened my eyes and the man was gone, Payton was next to me, and she had her hand on my shoulder. She then opened the door, walked inside, and sat on the couch to take her shoes off. I walked inside behind her and I felt my chest start to hurt. It became harder to breathe a little. I wasn't okay like I thought I was. My mind was filled with doubt and insecurities but not with my condition, but with Payton. I went to the bedroom and I changed into something more comfortable. I looked in the mirror and I couldn't stand seeing myself like this. I couldn't stand the fact that Payton had to see me like this either. I ran over to the bathroom and I searched for Payton's make up. I found some really good cover up and some bronzer. I took the cover up and I applied it under my eyes to hide my dark circles from lack of sleep. After that, I put bronzer on my cheek bones and a little on my neck to blend it in. I looked in the mirror and I looked a little better. I put Payton's make up back and then I heard her scream my name from the living room, "Sam! Come here!" "I'm coming!" I yelled back while I organized her make up back to the way it was. I ran to the living room and I said, "What wrong?" Payton looked at me and said, "Nothing! Just wanted to know if you wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie with me." I shook my head and said, "Yeah, sure!" I sat down on the couch with my thoughts still racing through my head. I couldn't even focus on what was going on because I was too busy trying to get my voices to shut up. Payton grabbed my hand and said, "Baby, are you okay?" "No, Payton, I'm not okay." I said. "I'm terrified. I can't hide it any longer!" I got up off the couch and started pacing back and forth in the living room. I stopped and turned to Payton and asked, "Do you still love me? I mean how could anyone love someone like me?! I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a diagnosis on a clip board and someone hanging from the end of a broken string. I feel like I could snap any minute and I feel like I'm mentally insane. I know I'm my insane but I feel like that's what people think. I know I shouldn't care what anyone says or thinks but I do. I wanna be looked at as Sam Wright or maybe one day Sam Wright Smith. But right now, I feel like people look at me, even you, look at me like I'm just a mental case. I wanna be the person you fell in love with. I don't wanna be crazy or the girl known for having panic attacks." Payton looked at me for a second and then said, "Baby, sit down." She looked at me and said, "Yes, I still love you! You're not a mental case, you're not crazy, and you're not a diagnosis. You're a person and you're just going through a tough time right now. I fell in love with you because you weren't perfect. But to me, you're pretty close to it & you still are. I love you and no one thinks you're insane. No one even knows what happened except for a few neighbors, me, and Jeff. We don't have to tell anyone, no ones gonna post it on the internet, and no one back home has to know. I asked you to marry me, I know what I was signing up for. & I know part of that was through sickness and in health. I don't really understand what you're going through because we haven't really talked about it much. But, I know no matter what it is, I will be here for you." I started to tear up and Payton kissed my cheek. She put her hands on her lips and asked, "Are you wearing make up?" "Yeah, I just thought it made me look better." I said while feeling the texture of my face. Payton laughed and said, "Well, it looks good! Maybe you should just drop out of college and become a make up artist." I laughed and said, "You think so?" "Oh, yeah! You can be like an A List doing make up for all the celebrities that come to Chicago. You're name will spread around and sooner or later we'll be living in LA." Payton said sarcastically. I pushed her playfully and said, "Shut up! So, what movie are we watching?" "Hm, I don't know. I really want to watch this lesbian movie. It only has one star though." "Well, what's it about?" I asked. "It about this girl who's cheating on her husband with another girl who's a really high class.." Before she could finish her sentence we heard a knock on the door. I walked over to the window to see who it might be but I couldn't make it out. Payton walked over to the door and asked, "Who is it?" "I don't know." Payton looked confused and then opened the door. A young man was standing there and he said, "Hey! I'm sorry to bother you. But I was outside cleaning my patio when I saw someone come to this apartment. I was at the hospital later today and I think I spoke to her..." The voice sounded so familiar. I told Payton to move and I came around to the front of the door. It was the young man I shared the elevator with earlier this afternoon. He smiled when he saw me and said, "Hey! Remember me? Names Cody, we shared the elevator!" I shook my head and said, "Yeah! Um, what are you doing here?" He reached in his pocket and pulled out a necklace. "This fell out to your bag when you walked away with your friend at the hospital. I just came by to return it to you. It's crazy that were neighbors! I was gonna go to the hospital and hopefully get your number from the front." He gave me the necklace and it was the one I was wearing during the panic attack. It was a necklace my mom gave me on Christmas a long time ago. I smiled and said, "Thank you so much! You have no idea how much this means to me!" He smiled and said, "No problem. Hey, if you ever need anything, I'm in apartment 103 on the third floor!" I motioned Payton to come over and introduced her, "Cody this is my fiancé Payton. Payton this is Cody a friend from the hospital. He came by and returned my necklace." Payton looked at him and said, "Wow, that's so sweet of you! Thank you! I'm glad Sam made at least one friend since we've been here." Cody shook Payton's hand and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you and congratulations on your engagement! I was just telling Sam if y'all ever need anything I'll be right up stairs!" Payton shook her head and said, "We will definitely come by sometime! Thank you!" Cody smirked and said, "Well I'll talk to y'all later! Have a goodnight and stay warm." "Bye, you too." Payton and I shut the door and then went back to the couch. "Well, he seems like a really sweet guy!" Payton said. "He really is! Do you know how expensive this necklace is? He could've easily just sold it." I said. Payton laughed and said, "Damn, you're already making friends faster then I am. I need to step up my game." I laughed and said, "Go get a blanket and let's watch this movie! You loser!" I said playfully. While she was going to find blankets, I got up and went to the mirror and put my necklace on. I looked at it for a second and I was so happy that Cody had returned it. I don't think I could ever thank him enough.