Dear Payton,

Chapter 12

It's 12:04a.m and we just got in the car ready to go home. I smiled at Payton and said, "Let me see it!" She smiled and put her foot up on the dashboard. It was on the outside of her left ankle and it was beautiful, an infinite sign with 'family' inside of it. I smiled and said, "I thought you were going to get your brothers name?" She smirked and said, "I was, but then I realized, his name could mean a ton of things. Besides, if I meet someone that I don't like named Justin, I don't want their name permanently on me." I laughed and she did as well, "I don't understand why it was so expensive though! Even my half moon was only $65 cause I didn't color it in." She smirked and shook her head while backing out of the parking lot. My tattoo began to sting and itch, it felt like someone just carved an arrow into my chest. I tried not to show my pain and I turned away a couple times. I rubbed my fingers over my shirt where my tattoo was and I could feel how swollen it had become. I didn't expect a tattoo to hurt this bad, maybe I'm just over reacting. We got home and the first thing Payton did was run upstairs and look in the full body mirror. She gasped at how much she loved it and admired both of her tattoos in the mirror. I came up behind her, put my hands on her hips, and kissed her neck. I smiled and said, "I really love them Payton!" Payton smiled and turned around to hug me. As she leaned on my chest, I moaned in pain. She backed up and said worriedly, "Sam, what's wrong?" I smiled and said, "Um, I got a tattoo as well." Payton was in shock and said, "You're lying, no you didn't!" I lifted up my shirt and Payton walked over to me. Her eyes became wide and her jaw dropped once she got a better view of it. She smiled and said, "Sam, it's beautiful. I love it! Is that why you were in the back the entire time?" I shook my head and she took the anti-bacterial lotion out of her purse and rubbed some of it on my tattoo. "Your's looks really swollen, probably cause it's your first time. Did they teach you how to take care of it?" She asked and I shook my head yes. She looked back up at me and kissed me as hard as she could. She smiled softly and looked around our room, "Wow, I can't believe it. 3 more days until we move! Isn't it insane? Like, the moving trucks are coming tomorrow!" I smiled and said, "Oh shit, I still need to go to R.I.C and transfer my credits to the University of Chicago! I've missed like 8 classes already!" "It's okay! I haven't even been to work either, they gave me a week off to pack. Now we're ready to move like 10 days early. I need to go in and tell them I'll be leaving early." Payton smirked as I looked around, it was crazy seeing everything so empty. All that was left to do was put everything on the moving trucks and we'd be all set. "I'm actually excited we're moving early! That way we can spend the rest of your days off to go look around town and stuff." I said smiling at Payton. She walked over to me and hugged my waist. She made sure not to touch my tattoo and said, "I'm so excited about everything! The move, the engagement, you're about to graduate from college!" "I know, I can't believe we're about to move either and I'm so excited to get to Chicago and look around." Payton looked at me and smiled, "This move is gonna be a huge change for us, I just pray that it doesn't change us. I know these few weeks leading to Christmas will be stressful as hell!" I broke the hug and I pushed her bangs behind her ears and kissed her forehead softly, "I promised forever, remember? So forever I will stay! Through everything, thick or thin." She smiled and kissed me again, "I love you. Now, let's get to bed. I'm so tired and we have a lot of shit to get done tomorrow!" She walked over to the bed, pulled back the covers, and laid down. I walked over to her and motioned her to scoot over. She did and I laid next to her quietly. Payton turned her body to me and said, "Goodnight, I love you." She kissed me again and I said, "I love you more." She smirked and turned back around. It didn't take her long to fall asleep. I tossed and turned for about 10 minutes and I couldn't fall asleep. I sat up and rubbed my eyes and decided to head downstairs. I walked past Payton and she had her ankle outside the comforter. Her tattoo was wrapped in plastic like mine was and her ankle was turned where her tattoo faced the ceiling. I smiled and shut the door quietly and ran downstairs.

It's 1:34a.m, I walked over to the kitchen was almost empty as well. I looked over to the corner and Payton has organized every box by the items in it. In a small box on the very top, it had the word 'family stuff' written on the side. I walked over, pulled it off the stack, and placed it on the table. I opened it and the small shoe box of my Dear Payton letters were inside along with old pictures of Payton's family. I frantically pulled out my shoe box and opened it as fast as I could. I made sure everything looked the same and then I saw a ragged envelope. It was torn and on the front it read, 'To: Sam Wright.' It was in my mothers hand writing and it was the letter I had cherished ever since I received it.
My mother died on May 13th, 2013. It was the day after Mother's Day. I had my last dinner with her the night before and I gave her red roses, which were her favorite. 3 weeks later, I got the letter she had written for me in 2007. She left it for me in her will and she told my father to give it to me when she passed. It explained how much she loved me and how she'd always watch over me. I've read it so many times, I probably remember every word of it. I put the envelope back in the box and I put everything back to the way it was. I went to the box on the counter that was still open and pulled out a tablet and a pen. I went to the table and sat down, I opened the tablet to a clean sheet of paper and began to write another letter.
I wrote a page and half of random thoughts that came to my head. It's like the pen just wrote whatever my mind was thinking or wanted to say but never did. It took me 10 to 20 after I was done minutes to stop crying. With each word I wrote, a tear fell and hit the paper and the ink smeared to the side. I wiped my face and took a couple of deep breaths before taking the letter and getting in the car.
It's 2:57a.m and I just drove 40 minutes to Aldersgate Lake in Harrisville, RI. This is where my mom grew up, she always wanted her ashes scattered on this lake. I parked my car on the acres of land near the Aldersgate Dam. I walked out with a handful of roses and I sat on a dock that was set up near the lake. I laid the roses down beside me and I pulled out the letter from my pocket. I un-wrinkled it and began to tear up before reading it out loud;

"Dear Mom,
I haven't talked to you in a very long time. It's actually been over a year since we last spoke. I got your letter weeks after you passed, telling me everything you want me to know and I never replied to it. So this is me telling you everything that's happened since you passed.
Mom, I'm getting married! You remember that girl, Payton Smith? Well, she proposed to me a few days ago. We're moving to Chicago in 2 days, isn't that exciting? I'm about to graduate college in about 2 months as well! I'm still working on the same stuff, studying Sociology and Retail Management. But I have to graduate at the University of Chicago, which I don't mind. I don't really know what I'm gonna do yet, I had to quit my job so I hope Chicago will have something for me there after college.
I also got a tattoo! I got it like 3 hours ago, it's your name under my collar bone, like where my heart should be. I also got your zodiac sign, it was the artists idea.
I really miss you mom. I miss calling you and talking to you. I miss telling you about my day and I wish I could have called you and told you about the proposal. I miss the random stuff you used to bring over just to see Payton and I. I miss your quotes and how you used to call me your little sunflower. I miss riding to the store with you. I miss coming over for lunch and laughing at what you and daddy would talk about.
I haven't seen dad in a really long time either. He's tried calling but it's been too hard to see him. I know it's only been a year, but everyday I still hear your voice telling me something or a quote just to get me through the day.
Before I go, I kinda just wanna talk and pray that you're listening. I don't know how to explain it and I don't know how to deal with it. But, I've been having these terrible, awful nightmares. They're not like normal nightmares but they're realistic and each day it's getting worse. They used to only occur when I was asleep. But now, it happens when I'm awake as well and it's terrible. I saw you once, at the store and you were buying coffee. I remember the smell of coffee every morning when I woke up as a kid. I loved it, that's how I always knew you were awake.
Mom, I don't know what to do. Nightmares and shit like this aren't supposed to happen, right? I mean, these hallucinations aren't normal. I don't know what's causing them either, I went to a therapist and the nightmares have been steady. But now, I'm seeing things and hearing things that aren't there and I don't know what's real.
I've been ignoring them and I've been pretending like I'm fine. But honestly, I'm not fine nor okay. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of waking up, I'm terrified of living, I'm terrified of what's real and what isn't. I'm terrified of losing everyone I love because I can't love myself. I mean, how could I?
Mom, It's been really hard without you. I don't know how I've even made it this far, the first 3 months were torture. The next 5 months were fine. Now it's been over a year and I'm realizing everything I've lost. I love you Mom and I promise to come back and talk to you. I also promise to talk to dad before I leave, he's excited for Payton and I. Payton's doing fine and I know you're just as proud of her as I am. I love you Mom, Goodnight."