My Heart or My Head

Chapter 4

Louis POV

Louis has been wandering the streets for hours walking down every back alley and side street, trying to not draw any unwanted attention to himself. The hood of his black hoodie pulled tightly over his head and his hands stuffed in the warm lining of the pockets the only thing he is focusing on his the sound from his headphones that are tucked neatly in his ears. It's when the sound of Harry's voice comes through the headphones Louis feels the tears falling down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry Hazza" Louis whispers to himself as he turns the corner to head down another random alley. Louis looks up from the ground as he turns down the alley to realize that he has no idea where he is. He is now lost in more ways than one. Panicking slightly Louis pulls out his phone and see's the 50 messages from the boys. Choosing to ignore them opens his maps on his phone and punches in his address and realizes he has somehow walked to the other side of town and its a two hour walk home. Deciding he has no other choice Louis sighs and dials Zayn's number.

"Louis omg thank god where are you?" Zayn's shouts from the other end of the line.

"Z relax i am fine i was just out walking to clear my head. I am on the other side of town in some random fucking alley. Do you think you could come get me?" Louis sighs.

"Ping me your location i am already on my way."

"Thanks Z" Louis hangs up and shares his location with Zayn and sinks to the ground pulling his knees up to his chest.

.....

30 minutes later Zayn is pulling into the alley way. "Louis!" Zayn calls through the slightly rolled down window. Getting up off the ground Louis climbs into the front seat of Zayn's black Escalade buckling his seat belt without saying a word.

"Are you ready to talk about this yet?" Zayn stares at the side profile of his hurting friend. Louis just shakes his head and stairs out the window. Zayn knowing that he can't push Louis any further he throws the car in drive and pulls out of the alleyway.

The car ride home is silent aside from the faint music coming from the speakers of Zayn's car, tensions are high. Louis can feel that Zayn is wanting to ask him 100 different questions but Louis is not ready. He will never be ready. Louis already knows what he wants to do he thought of the best plan while sitting there waiting for Zayn. He knows if he decides to talk to Zayn now he will only talk him out of it.

They pull into the driveway of their complex and Louis hops out of the car without a word and enters the house where he sees Liam and Niall sitting on the couch. Both boys jump off the couch and race to Louis when they hear the front door open.

"Louis what the fuck man are you okay?" Liam asks pulling Louis into a hug, Louis just lets his arms fall limp and doesn't hug back. " 'M fine."

"No you are not Louis and it's okay, we are here for you." Niall says reassuringly. "Great you are here for me fucking awesome i don't need you to be. How about go be there for Harry WHO the fuck was there for Harry hmm? You? No! Nobody he was alone fucking alone and in pain. Yeah i fucking caused that i fucking know i caused it but you three could have tried. YOU three weren't told to stay away from him now were you... no, no you weren't." Louis snaps.

"Louis come on that's not fair" Zayn sighs.

"Whatever, just get the fuck out. I want to be alone right now." Louis doesn't wait for a reply and he heads up to his room. He know's he's being a dick but if he is going to follow through with his plan it is better that the boys hate him. Hearing the front door slam shut Louis lays on his bed and takes a deep breath. "It's now or never Louis" Louis whispers to himself and pulls out his phone.

Louis opens his messages to Harry and starts typing.

"Dear Hazza,

This text is 6 months over due i would say... i have no excuse i made a choice that i thought was for the best. You have every right to hate me and think the absolute worst of me. I promise you that whatever you think of me i already think 500x worse about myself. The truth his... i haven't been honest with you for the past 6 months. They have been the hardest 6 months of my life. I know that sounds selfish and that's because i am selfish. I am so fucking selfish Harry. I thought what i was doing was to protect you but as i have been walking aimlessly for the past three hours no real destination in mind, i find myself only thinking of you and how confused and hurt you must feel by my actions. Just know that from the deepest part of my i do not hate you. I am and always be your best friend Harry Styles. But i don't deserve you as mine.

You are destined for greatness Curly. I told you that the day we met. But unfortunately those great things are going to have to be without me by your side. I want to fix us Harry i want to tell you all the reasons why i did what i did but i can't i am not allowed.

I don't think i can work side by side you anymore without my heart breaking into 5000 pieces and it's not fair for either of us to stay together in a band. I have hurt you so bad that i can't fix it you deserve more. So my sweet Hazza. I am going to leave the band. I have decided to move out the place is yours if you want it. I want to give you the space you need to move on. I will be gone by the end of the day tomorrow. I just need to pack the essentials. I will leave everything else for you, the beds, the kitchen shit everything it all belongs to you.

I know you owe me nothing but i need you to promise me three things.
Number 1. When you think back on our friendship try and remember the happy times. The times before i fucked it all up and hurt you beyond i can repair.

Number 2. The boys love you Hazza, they never hated you nobody hated you. They were put in a shit position and it's not their fault. So when you are ready try and make it work with them okay?

Number 3. I have thought it over a million times on how i was going to tell you this and i wish there was a better way for me to tell you what i am about to tell you... but i know now that if i don't say anything now i will never have the chance to again. I don't hate you Harry far from it. I am so fucking in love with you Harry Edward Styles. But you are someone i am not allowed to have.

Live your life Hazzie the one i know you are destined to have, be the rockstar we both know you to be.

Always in my heart Harry Styles

Yours Sincerely, Louis

Message Sent.