My Heart or My Head

Chapter 5

Harry's Pov

There's a time, there's a place
I'm always gonna hear your name
There's a right, there's a wrong
And now I see that all along
I messed up, you'll be fine
I'm gonna sleep alone tonight
Never gonna be the same
'Cause you're half the world away

Harry finishes the song resting his guitar in his lap, letting the silence wash over them.

"That song was beautifully raw Harry" Gemma speaks a few minutes later breaking the silence. "Thanks" Harry whispers. Gemma reaches over and wipes the tears from Harry's cheeks, he didn't even realize he was crying until this point.

"H can I ask you something, and i would like you to try and answer without getting mad at me okay." "I know what you are going to ask Gem, i don't want to answer. Please don't make me answer." Harry begs.

"Harry... are you in love with Louis?" Harry breaks down in tears unable to hold it in the feeling that he has been holding in for 2 years. Of course he was in love with Louis, but he has never said it out loud, he refuses to let himself utter those words, breath them into existence, because once he does its game over. There is no going back, he can't lie to himself day in and day out saying that Louis is just is best friend nothing more. He has been in love with Louis since the moment he met Louis in those bathrooms and peed on his fucking shoes like a total loser.

"Oh Harry, it's going to be okay baby brother. I've got you, it's okay" Gemma pulls him into her arms trying to find someway to heal her baby brothers broken heart.

"I just want Lou..." Harry sobs harder knowing that the one person he needs the most and could comfort him while he is in pain is the reason he is in so much pain. "Why doesn't he want me Gem... why does he hate me. I can't let myself love him Gem. He doesn't love me back. He doesn't even like me back at his point." Harry sobs stuttering out his words

"You need to talk to him Harry... you deserve answers one way or another. No matter what i will be there to catch you." Gemma rubs Harry's back pulling him in tighter trying to ground the sobbing boy in her arms. Harry pulls away from Gemma when he feels his phone vibrate.

Taking his phone out of his pocket he see a text message from Louis. "It's Lou..." Harry whispers. "Read it H... you will only spend you days wondering if you don't." Nodding in agreement Harry opens the text reading the words Louis wrote.

When he is done reading the message Harry throws his phone down in front of him. Gemma reaches down to pick it up reading the message that was on the screen.

"Dear Hazza,

This text is 6 months over due i would say... i have no excuse i made a choice that i thought was for the best. You have every right to hate me and think the absolute worst of me. I promise you that whatever you think of me i already think 500x worse about myself. The truth his... i haven't been honest with you for the past 6 months. They have been the hardest 6 months of my life. I know that sounds selfish and that's because i am selfish. I am so fucking selfish Harry. I thought what i was doing was to protect you but as i have been walking aimlessly for the past three hours no real destination in mind, i find myself only thinking of you and how confused and hurt you must feel by my actions. Just know that from the deepest part of my i do not hate you. I am and always be your best friend Harry Styles. But i don't deserve you as mine.

You are destined for greatness Curly. I told you that the day we met. But unfortunately those great things are going to have to be without me by your side. I want to fix us Harry i want to tell you all the reasons why i did what i did but i can't i am not allowed.

I don't think i can work side by side you anymore without my heart breaking into 5000 pieces and it's not fair for either of us to stay together in a band. I have hurt you so bad that i can't fix it you deserve more. So my sweet Hazza. I am going to leave the band. I have decided to move out the place is yours if you want it. I want to give you the space you need to move on. I will be gone by the end of the day tomorrow. I just need to pack the essentials. I will leave everything else for you, the beds, the kitchen shit everything it all belongs to you.

I know you owe me nothing but i need you to promise me three things.
Number 1. When you think back on our friendship try and remember the happy times. The times before i fucked it all up and hurt you beyond i can repair.

Number 2. The boys love you Hazza, they never hated you nobody hated you. They were put in a shit position and it's not their fault. So when you are ready try and make it work with them okay?

Number 3. I have thought it over a million times on how i was going to tell you this and i wish there was a better way for me to tell you what i am about to tell you... but i know now that if i don't say anything now i will never have the chance to again. I don't hate you Harry far from it. I am so fucking in love with you Harry Edward Styles. But you are someone i am not allowed to have.

Live your life Hazzie the one i know you are destined to have, be the rockstar we both know you to be.

Always in my heart Harry Styles

Yours Sincerely, Louis

"He loves me..." Harry whispers letting a small smile creep on his face for a second before anger creeps its way back up. "Fuck him! What the fuck! He can't jus fucking say these things Gemma! He can't ignore me for 5 months and pretend that this will fix everything. He can't just fucking tell me he loves me after making me feel like i am nothing but a piece of gum on his shoes. He.... H-he loves me too"

"Harry... it- it also says he is leaving. He's moving out... tonight." Gemma sighs. "N0 No No No No! I- what do i do Gemma? I am still so angry and hurt by him. But what does he mean he doesn't have a choice. What does it mean. Why is he leaving. Why isn't he fighting for me.... He loves me... Louis loves me."

"Harry i am going to ask you this once more... Are you in love with Louis?" Gemma asks knowing the answer already but wanting her brother to finally say the words out loud.

"Yes. I am so fucking in love with Louis. I have been in love with Louis since the first day i met him." Harry admits.

"So there is your answer Harry... Go... Go home stop him from leaving do not let him leave until he explains everything. He loves you Harry and i know this to be true, he is not saying this to make you feel bad. I have seen first hand the way that boy looks at you. He has a tenderness with you Harry that he doesn't have with any of the other boys. He is gentle with you, always guiding you and resting his hand on your back in the crowds as if he is scared that you will slip away to be lost forever if he dares to let go."

"But i am still so mad at him Gem." Harry sighs. "Be mad Harry, tell him that but do not let his boy slip away because you are too good for each other to let the other leave your lives for good." "Okay"

After a few minutes Harry stood up, telling Gemma to take him home. The two piled into her car and drove back to his Mum's house. Harry raced up the stairs packing his bag as fast as he could before heading back downstairs to say goodbye to his mum and sister

"I love you my youngest pup, please take care of yourself and go get your boy." Anne smiles. "H-how did you know" Harry blushes. " I am your mother Harry I've known since the first time you mentioned Louis name. I love you and drive safe please." "I love you too mum" Harry pulls Anne in for one last hug before walking over to Gemma.

"Thank you Gem... truly. I love you big sister." Harry pulls Gemma in close. "I love you too baby brother, i am here for you always. Tell Louis if he hurts you again I will whoop his ass." Gemma chuckles making Harry giggle.

After one last I love you to his mum and sister Harry left hopping into his car preparing himself for the 3 and a half hour drive he has to get back to his home.