Pretending (Westshore Series #1)

Chapter Twenty-Six: Do You Need That Many Abs?

TW : ED content

I go to all my classes with a smile on my face, spending the night cuddling Warned combined with it being Friday has put me in a great mood. I can't believe he likes me and not just the new me, he liked me before any changes. Emily and Sierra were wrong.

I get back to the dorm kitchen and Warner is waiting for me with a big smile on his face, I guess I'm not the only one in a cheery mood. I glance down at his hands and my stomach flips, he made me breakfast. A meal I normally skip.

"Hey Jules, I made us french toast. I know you used to love it." He looks nervous and after seeing him shuffle back and forth unsure I know I have to suck it up and eat the damn french toast.

He is right, his mom used to make the best french toast when we were kids. She used to give me a whole extra serving when I left so I could have a second breakfast. Honestly, I feel like everyone around me wanted me to get fat with the way they enabled my bad eating habits. Back then I was handed meals everywhere I went and now I couldn't eat a piece of toast without feeling guilty.

After we sit down at the table, Warner finishes his food lightning fast, then resolves to study me while I savour my own meal.

"Do you chew every bite at least one hundred times?" he asks, raising his eyebrow. He seems to really be studying me.

I take a very slow sip of my coffee, making sure to hold it in my mouth for a few seconds just to pull his leg. "Do you always watch girls' mouths while they eat?"

"Only yours."

I shut up, trying to hide a shy smile.

"Hey Guys" Adam walks into the kitchen and for the first time in a while he didn't look mad. He even comes over to the table and does a handshake with Warner. Since when did they make up?

I smile at him and he returns the smile. I don't know how men's minds work sometimes, weren't they just fighting recently? Instead of questioning them I just continued eating my meal, taking as many bites as possible for reasons I kept secret.

_______

I lay in my bed feeling way too full, I hadn't even eaten that much but I knew I would be thinking about this meal for the rest of the day. My breathing gets quicker and quicker as I think about all the calories I just consumed. I needed to get it out of me but I couldn't...Abby was in the bathroom she would know.

The panicky feeling in my chest won't go away so I get up and stand in front of my mirror, I lift up my top and stare at my reflection. I needed to see if I had gained any weight from eating that meal.

Shifting from side to side as tears roll down my face, I look at my body. My ribs were fairly visible, I still don't have any chub in my lower belly and although that was something that would've pleased me before, now it just made me feel sick. I look at my legs which had always been a big insecurity of mine growing up. I have a thigh, gap, which I would've died for before, but now all I can think about is how it could be a bigger gap if I just ate a little less.

I pull down the neck of my top to reveal my shoulders. They are bony and I have no muscle definition in my arms. My collarbones jut out so much you can probably put something in them. I used to follow Tumblr pages that posted collarbones like these, but I don't feel proud instead I feel like I could do more...I could be skinnier.

No matter how much weight I lose, it seems I will never be happy with the girl looking back at me in the mirror. My body just acts as a reminder of the mental torture I have put myself through and so I sit down on the floor and cover my mouth as I choke out the sob I am been holding.