CECE, DISRESPECTFULLY | ✓

68: IN THE ABSENCE OF FIRE

            Nikki sighs as he writes down the score of our sixth round of Cassino of which I've won four. 'I regret teaching you this game...'

I grin and stuff a fistful of crisps into my mouth.

We sit in the yellow cradle of the kitchen light again. He's off work this weekend and we've spent the evening together. It's nice, hanging out with him...

I watch Nikki collect the cards and shuffle them. He's got proper technique and all. He splits the deck in half and then riffles them back together. I tried in on my last turn and managed only to drop half of the cards to the floor. That mixed them right up though.

Wiping my hand from grease and salt, I rest against my leg which I've propped up on the edge of the chair.

Deep breath. It'll be fine.

'I wanna go to that group home in Somerset.'

It's Nikki's turn to nearly drop the cards. He keeps them bent in his hands for a beat before placing the serrated deck on the table.

'What?'

I try to meet his stare only to flee back to his hands. 'I looked through their website. I think... it.... might be good for me.'

Nikki goes to stand up, changes his mind, and sits back down. He pulls his locs over one shoulder, then the other.

'No, but... it's so far away. Cece, we'll find a school for you in the city.'

'It's not about school,' I mumble. 'I just... I think I have to go.'

I force my eyes to meet his but the blackness looking back is vacant. If I had a microscope, I might be able to see his consciousness retreat somewhere very far away, all the way to the end of the infinite tunnel of his pupils.

'I wanna give it a shot,' I continue in an attempt to reel Nikki back to the halo of the kitchen. 'And if it's horrible, at least I've got a place to run away to...'

I tack on a laugh. Right?

Yes. Of course. He won't leave me at the train station with "have a good life, see you never". He'd let me come home.

Just as my focus starts to slip, Nikki's comes back. He looks at me with a tenderness I can't quite place, a delicate blend of pride and grief. 'Are you sure?'

'I'm gonna be fine. Well... I'll be better.'

Curling my spine, I study my hands. The bruises are now a sickly yellow and the scabs are so itchy I almost reckon I'd rather chew my hands off.

'And you can go back to uni and hang out with your mates and that. Like, go on dates, or whatever it is you do.'

Nicolás is silent for several cycles of breath until laughter cascades from him. Swear down, he beams at the thought. He misses his mates. Even if he'd never tell me, I know he does.

He's twenty-three. His life ain't supposed to be spent putting out my fires.

The welt of Beewolf's sting sears as if syringed with fresh venom. Before the buzzing can grow louder, Nikki muzzles it.

'Okay... I'll miss you. You can visit whenever you want. You'll... visit, right?'

'Of course, I'll visit! All the time.'

'I'll phone them on Monday.' He smiles but the movement starts a crack that cobwebs across his face. 'Gimme a sec...'

He stands up and goes to leave the kitchen.

My heart rate spikes. I grab his wrist.

His pulse jumps under my fingertips. The crack reaches the centres of his eyes. Tears start leaking out even as he tries to seal them up.

My jaw has once again wired itself shut. Why does it always do that when I need to say summat important? Words weld together only to be interrupted by a new sentence, the result a sideswipe collision. The moment I pry my mouth open, they all fall out at once.

'I know I've been shit at showing it but I well appreciate everything you've done for me. I do, swear down. It's not that I don't wanna live with ya cause I do. This is the best place I've lived. I'd like to come back once I know how to manage myself better. If that's fine with you.'

I tweezer the final syllables off my tongue like splinters.

'I feel safe here...'

Silence follows during which I wrestle every urge to tack on summat sarcastic or demeaning. I won't hide it in barbs, not this time.

Nikki crouches beside my chair and reaches for my other hand. 'Of course, you can. My home is always gonna have a home for you. Always.'

The moth stretches its wings so wide in my chest that it might crack my ribcage but I don't care. I don't need to hoard my bones.

Nicolás has always been here to protect them.

I nod and Nikki wraps me into a hug. I forget all about flames, drowning, and Beewolf. Nicolás weeds all those fears from my head.

'I love you, Cecilio.'

I squeeze him with all my might until my arms quiver, begging him to understand. Nikki has always read me with ease, like a foreign language only he speaks, and he smiles when he pulls away.

'I know. I know.'