CECE, DISRESPECTFULLY | ✓

53: RETURN TO ROT

            I watch raindrops race down the car window. The clouds are breaking up, sunlight prodding through the coverage, but the tension in my shoulders don't ease at the good omen. The final round of the secondary school-level Maths Olympiad of Greater Manchester is hosted by St Aquinas Preparatory School. In Wigan.

I've not been to Wigan since... Well, since I left it.

With my luck, the Hardlands will have a new foster kid who's in maths olympiad and they'll be attending. What if they're there? What if I see them? What if I panic? What if I snap? What if I hurt someone? What if I ruin maths olympiad and Diwa never speaks to me again? What if they lock me in the shed forever? With the wasps and the holes forever? What if they take me to church–?

A prod on my shoulder. I turn to Nicolás whose eyes flick between me and the road. His mouth is moving.

I tug the right earphone out, the music continuing to scream in my fingers. 'What?'

'Are you hungry?' he repeats. 'We've got time for a drive-through if you want. There's a Maccy's coming up and a Chaiiwala.'

Though we ate right before leaving, my stomach shrinks with hunger the moment I think of food. My nerves must make my metabolism twice as fast. Which is weird because there's no reason for me to be nervous.

But I suppose I... actually care about this. It's important for Diwa. I want to win this for her. And for Meira and Noah because they both deserve it. And... well, I suppose for myself too. It would be nice to win. It would be nice to accomplish summat. And maybe... Nikki would be proud.

'Yeah. I'm actually kinda hungry. Sorry.'

'Sorry?' he repeats. 'Nowt to be sorry for. So which one?'

I pick Chaiiwala cause I've already had McDonlands once with Diwa this week. So ten minutes later, we're back on the motorway with warm toasties in hand. Nikki's voice muffles behind my music and I pull my earphone out again. 'What?'

'I were just asking how you're feeling.'

'I feel fine,' I bite but he's already talking again before I can plug the earbud back in. 'I'm tryna listen to music.'

'You can use the bluetooth, you know.'

I raise my eyebrows, ensuring my disbelief is dense enough for him to feel it even when he can't look at me. I dig out my phone and turn on the bluetooth. It's Nicolás's old phone so it connects automatically. Instantly, the car is filled with screaming.

Nicolás physically grimaces, ducking to escape the noise drilling into his skull. 'Oh, wow. You know, earphones were such a champion invention. Whoever came up with that, absolute genius.'

I turn the bluetooth off. 'Stop tryna talk to me.'

He assures he won't but I've already plugged the earbuds back in.

            Nicolás leaves me at the drop-off lane at St Aquinas Preparatory School and drives off in search of a parking spot. Critters scuttle behind my kneecaps as I step through the front doors but nobody screams or laughs at the sight of me. Maybe I'm too unrecognisable. Maybe I was too insignificant to bother remembering. There are more people waiting around this time—maybe St Aquinas's parents care more or maybe the finale has attracted more watchers—but the only ones who turn to me are my own team.

Apostolou hands me my participant lanyard as I join them. 'Now that we're all here, let's head for the school hall, shall we?'

I wait for a comfortable distance from him before falling into step with Diwa. She's dressed in her pink strap platform boots, a pink skirt with a black lace underlayer, and a pink jumper. She's accessorised with a velvet choker, a chained belt, and her crucifix.

'What happened to dressing professional?' I ask.

'Yeah, sorry for going on about that and being all neurotic.' The tinge of her cheeks matches the rest of the outfit. 'Um... I feel confident in this.'

'It's wicked. You look mint.'

'Thanks, Cece.'

I'm dressed in my usual clothes too. Well, I've exchanged my regular hoodie for Nicolás's black button-up but that's mostly because I'll get too hot in a hoodie once the adrenaline starts rushing. The cross-stitch cornrows Nikki braided my hair into last week are still sleek and I couldn't even consider hiding them under a hood. And I'm wearing my grillz,of course, vampire fangs poking out of my smile.

Noah rocks a rainbow Hawaiian shirt over a black turtleneck and Meira has on a flowy floral dress and lemon-slice earrings. The other two teams are dressed in their school uniforms and they stare as we enter the hall.

The auditorium here has a proper stage with blue curtains and everything. The audience chairs are actually bolted to the ground. Both on the back wall and above the stage hang crucifixes. St Aquinas Preparatory School has them in every classroom and at regular intervals down the corridors but these are the most ornate.

The sight pulls at my spine; I drop my focus to the stage and the three tables positioned on it. Whiteboards stand behind each and there's a podium for the host at the side.

The table on the right has a sign that reads "Isaac Evans Community Academy" and so we head for it. For once, Apostolou hangs around. He even smiles at us without it looking like he's regretting every life choice that led him here.

'Win or lose, you should all be proud of yourselves. Our school hasn't made it into a mathematics olympiad finale since 2012.'

With wishes for good luck, he moves to introduce himself to the maths teachers from the two other schools: St Aquinas Preparatory Academy, naturally, and Eastbridge Sixth Form College from Rochdale.

'How are–?'

Before I can finish the question about her feelings, Diwa's phone rings. Apologising, she disappears backstage to answer though the pitch of her voice makes it obvious that she's talking to her parents. Noah runs to the toilet as is his competition routine, leaving Meira and me to take our seats. I chew my fingernails. Try to ignore the glances from the other team. Try to ignore the gathering crowd.

What if we lose and then Diwa hates me? And what if–?

'Do you want water or summat?'

I glance at Meira, watching me gently, and tuck my hands into my pockets. 'I'm just nervous.'

'You're nervous?' she repeats only to grimace at her own shock. 'Sorry, I just...you're always so cool and tough. I didn't reckon you'd get nervous.'

My gaze climbs up from the colourful bangles on her writs to her brown eyes waiting for me. She wouldn't have dared to look me in the eyes two months ago—wouldn't have dared to look in my general vicinity without trembling. It's not just that I've gone soft; Meira has got more assertive since I joined the team back in November.

'I don't want to disappoint her.'

'Cece–' Meira scoots to the edge of her seat to lean over Noah's chair between us '–Diwa won't be disappointed even if we do lose. She just wants us to try our best. She's already happy that you're here.'

I nod. 'Thanks, Meira.'