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Have you ever been scared? Scared to try something new? Scared to not try anything at all? Scared of failing? Scared of achieving?
I've been scared. In fact, I believe that fear hits me at least once a day.
I don't want to sound too negative here, but fear is something that I've been accustomed to. It's in my blood. It's in my veins. I breathe fear.
I mean, I get it, we should all feel fear at some point in our lives... but every day?
I don't want to portray myself as someone who doesn't believe in light, or happiness, because I do. I do believe in good days, happy days, bright days.
But what about the small windows of darkness in those bright and happy days? What about the way you can go from so happy you can't contain yourself, to so scared that you can't breathe? I've been there. I've lived there.
I know people say you should take life with a grain of salt. That you should do your best to look at the positive side of things, rather than the negative. I suppose I'm just someone who believes that no matter how bright your life may seem, there is always something happening beneath the surface, that nobody else can see. A feeling of unsure, a feeling of anxiousness, a feeling of fear that at some point, your luck will run out. That the happiness you find, will soon be lost again.
I'm only saying this, because I am currently living it. Some days, I feel as though I'm on top of the world, while others, I can't seem to climb my way out of the murky waters that try their best to suffocate me.
There is good in my life, but there has also always been bad just hiding around the corner, festering, waiting for the opportunity to jump out and surprise me.
I don't want to believe in a world where nothing bad ever happens, because I know that it isn't realistic. However, it would be nice to know that there could be a time in my life where I won't feel fear. Where I won't constantly wonder what's peering behind every corner in my life.
I finally tied the knot with my now husband, just a year ago. Christmas Eve, we stood in front of our Christmas tree with my mother and his relatives around (because we live in a part of the state where only his family lives), and we vowed ourselves to one another. It was beautiful. It was pure bliss. It was everything I thought it would be and more.
But fear lurked. It lurked heavy on my heart, because I wasn't sure what our future had in store for us. I wasn't sure if we would survive all that life would eventually throw our way. I wasn't sure if we were ever going to have the family that we've both been dreaming of. I wasn't sure if we would overcome the normal marriage statistics that say we were doomed before we began.
But so far, we have. We have been married an entire year, plus a couple months, and I'm surprised to say that we have rocked this thing called marriage. We have challenged everything about it. We have won.
For the most part...
I'm still struggling. I'm still very much afraid. I'm still letting fear get the best of me, when in reality, I know I shouldn't. It's hard to overcome that obstacle. It's hard to believe that everything will work out, when the truth is, you just never know. You don't always know what's waiting for you at the next turn. Will it be a beautiful scene of blue skies and dreams come true? Or, will destruction be waiting?
If you've read my previous chapters, you know that my husband and I have been trying to conceive a child. It is everything that I've ever wanted, and more. It is all that I think about most days.
And yet, we still have not had any luck whatsoever. We have both taken numerous supplements, have both tried everything short of going to see a specialist, because A. we simply can't afford it, and B. I'm scared.
I'm scared that I will be told it will never happen. I'm scared that I will be told it is my fault that I can't carry a child. I'm scared that it will be because of my husband, and what that resentment of himself will do to him. I'm scared of what that resentment will do to me. To our marriage. It's the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure, and still currently enduring.
If this experience has taught me anything, it's that I know I'm resilient. I know that I will bounce back from whatever may hurt me. But that fear is still there. That fear keeps me up at night. That fear hounds me every chance it gets, because it knows that I will bow down to whatever it commands of me. It knows that I will do whatever I can to hide it.
I suppose this is more of a journal post, than anything. A place for me to just write down how I'm feeling, without needing to speak a single syllable. Sometimes I can't even tell my husband how I'm feeling, because I don't want to make him feel the way that I do. I don't want him to feel that hurt. Again, it's just fear. That is all that it boils down to. Fear.
I feel like I'm saying it too much, but I also feel like I need to.
Fear keeps us motivated. Fear keeps up awake. Fear keeps us going.
Fear drives us. It helps us reach our destination before we've even realized that we made it. I suppose that is something to admire about fear.
Sure, fear is scary. It's downright lethal, but it can also be a good thing. It can allow us to strive for the unattainable. It can help us push ourselves to the ultimate point of no return. It can help us say everything we need to say, without having to say anything at all.
If you have something in your life right now, that scares you, please don't let it control everything in your life. Please let that fear drive you to make the best decisions possible to achieve whatever it is that you may desire. Let it help you in the only way that it knows how.
Because feeling fear, is only half the battle. It's about what you do with that fear, that defines you. Let it define greatness within. Let it define you in the best way possible. Let it move you to places you never thought possible.
That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let my fear drive me to make any necessary steps needed to turn my dream into my reality. I hope you do the same.
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail."
