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Emotions never came easy for me. In fact, I've taught myself to hide any emotions for the better part of my life.
I hated expressing how I felt, because I felt stupid. I felt like I was burdening everyone with my thoughts or problems, so I kept them to myself.
My entire life I have trained myself not to feel. To pretend that everything is fine, when in reality, everything is a mess.
Introverts feel. They feel so deeply sometimes, that it's scary.
I feel deeply. I just don't show it. I taught myself to be scarce, because I don't want people to know when I'm vulnerable. It makes me feel as though I'm weak, when I know that isn't necessarily the case.
To feel isn't being weak. In actuality, it's being strong. Sure, it hurts sometimes, especially when you aren't able to decipher what your feelings mean. They could mean a whole world of different things, things you don't yet know or understand.
I think the hardest part about channeling your emotions, is accepting that you have any.
Everyone wants to pretend that they are perfectly okay, that nothing bothers them, that they don't have any problems and that life is completely perfect.
Someone like me, I can see through that as if I'm looking straight through glass. Just because someone looks happy, doesn't mean they are, because even a white flower has a black shadow.
I have this grand ability to read people, even from afar.
An introvert is an observer. We observe our surroundings so thoroughly; it's sometimes classified as scary.
I can sit in a crowded room, say nothing at all, and learn everything I need to know about everyone in the room. Maybe it's also just being judgmental, as that's a problem for introverts, but all the same I still feel as though I get a pretty good gist of who someone is as a person.
Sure, they can hide themselves like most do. Sure, they can only allow others to see what they want them to see, but I still always feel as though I can see more.
It's strange, yet endearing.
It all comes down to emotions. To feelings. To gut instincts.
To feel is the most beautiful, yet terrifying experience to endure. Everyone wants to feel, but nobody ever wants to accept their feelings.
I have slowly started to accept my feelings. To accept how I feel when I wake up in the mornings, or how I feel right before I lie down for bed at night. Usually, my emotions are a jumbled mess, screaming to be organized. Every once in a while though, my emotions are right there. Full, clear and focused. Ready to be seen and heard.
As an introvert, it's normal to shy away from people and keep your thoughts to yourself. It's easy to bundle everything up inside and tuck it away for another day. That's something I actually enjoy doing. I loathe nothing more than to express how I'm feeling, or try to anyway. There's always this sense of insecurity or worry, knowing that once my feelings are out, that's it. They're there for the entire world to see and to analyze.
The famous question: "What's wrong?" Or, "how do you feel?"
Sometimes those very questions cause me to hyperventilate.
How can describing how I feel use so much of my energy? Why do emotions have to physically drain you, until you don't even feel them anymore?
Some do drugs while others go for a run. But at the end of the day, we're all just searching for that tiny space, perhaps a hole that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world and all the feelings we have yet to feel.
Maybe I'm just rambling today, as that's how my mind feels at the moment.
A jumbled mess that is begging to be organized.
Your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel whatever you want. You aren't being dramatic, you aren't over exaggerating. You're simply feeling, and that's okay. Emotions are okay. Don't ever let anyone tell you, that your feelings aren't important. That they are less than. You're emotions are a part of who you are, on a daily basis. They make the entirety that is you and all of the wonderful things you are.
Emotional maturity begins with knowing that thoughts aren't actions. Having a bad thought isn't the same as carrying it out. Guilt doesn't recognize the difference. So, to come out of silence, you have to learn that by watching another person's reaction, that it's all right to have any thought you want. Any emotion you want.
Don't fear embarrassment for showing your emotions, fear living a confined and false life for holding them in. If you are rejected for being true to yourself and how you feel, then you are simply being divinely guided to move on to another level of community. Of peace.
Regardless,
You are in charge of your feelings and emotions; so remember to always choose the happy ones.
