Thoughts of an Introvert ✎

Reflection

My weight has been an issue for me my entire life.

One year I'm comfortable, and the next I feel so big I actually think I might die.

The truth is I know I need to work on it by myself. That's the only way to show any real progress. I keep putting it off, "Oh I'll start walking," or "Oh, I'll start eating better".

I never do.

I keep telling myself that I have all the time in the world to worry about my weight, but I know that's just me lying to myself in order to feel better.

My fiancé and I have been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year now. I've seen doctors, and was diagnosed with borderline PCOS. They say borderline, because some of my lab work seemed normal, while other tests didn't. They say I basically have it, they just can't officially diagnosis me.

Weird, I know.

If you don't know what PCOS is, (polycystic ovarian syndrome), I urge you to do some research.

Many women struggle with this condition, but not many people talk about it so not many people know about it.

It's a condition that causes irregular periods, weight gain, increased facial hair, acne, infertility, possible type 2 diabetes, and more. It's a hormonal disorder that causes enlarged ovaries where cysts can grow.

My hormones have been irregular since I first got my very first period. I was 12 I believe. My periods were never regular; they would space out months from each other. One time, I even went almost a full year without getting my period.

I was young, and I wasn't planning on having any children then, so I didn't do anything about it. I thought, "Cool, no periods for me? No blood, no cramps? I'm cool with that."

But boy, how wrong was I.

Now I'm almost 25, and still have yet to conceive.

I tried numerous different birth control pills to help regulate my periods, but none worked for me. (Don't get discouraged, that doesn't mean they won't work for you. Everyone's body is different).

Well, about eight months ago, I went to see my doctor and told him about my periods and about how I was trying to conceive. He told me I needed to take care of my periods first, before I do anything else.

Of course, he also urged me to start losing weight, which is something I am still struggling with. I mean the PCOS makes it harder to lose weight, but I am staying positive.

My doctor prescribed me with progesterone tablets. I take 1 pill, every day for ten days out of the month. They are to help regulate my hormones.

So far, I am beyond ecstatic of the progress. The pills began to work immediately.

In fact, after the tenth pill I took (the last of the months' dose), I got my period.

Then every month after that, I got my period around the same time! I couldn't believe it!

So as of now, I have had a period every month for the last seven months!

I told my doctor, and he was happy. He said I still needed to work on my weight, but that since my periods are regulated, it means my hormones are starting to regulate themselves too.

I suppose the point of all this, is to get to know your bodies.

Men too, if something doesn't feel right, ASK YOUR DOCTOR!

They are the professionals, and they are there for a REASON!

My fiancé and I bought Pre-Seed (Which is a lubricant that helps the sperm get to the egg) and we have used it quite a few times now.

I'm internally freaking out because as of yesterday, my period is officially late. *screams*

It doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I'm praying I get my BFP. I've been waiting so long, and I've been so distraught, especially watching everyone else my age announce their pregnancies, while I'm struggling just to keep my periods.

It's a difficult feeling when your body doesn't do what you want it to. You feel betrayed almost. And I for one, felt like less of a women because of it all. I am a female. I am supposed to be able to bear a child and give birth.

You can imagine my heartbreak.

Listen to your body. Listen to your gut feeling. If you're struggling with something similar, reach out to me through message and I will be glad to talk about it with you. Or, if you're not comfortable talking to a stranger, phone a friend!

Nobody should go through this type of stuff alone.

I'm going to be waiting at least a week, and if my period still doesn't come, then I may just be going to buy a pregnancy test! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I can't help it.

If you or someone you know is struggling with weight or infertility, I urge you to talk to them. Be there for them. Be kind to them. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that they matter.

Be their voice if they can't find their own. Be their friend if they need one, because trust me, they will.

The thought of never being able to have a child of my own, terrifies me to the core, but I know that eventually I'll be okay no matter what happens, because I have friends and family who support me.

Find a support system. Don't close yourself off to people.

I am a queen at shutting down and keeping everything bottled up. Then again, a lot of that stems from me being an introvert. It's normal for me to cage myself in and not express how I'm feeling.

But with this kind of stuff? It's so much better to just let it all out, as hard as it may seem.

Be the change you want to see in others. Be there for others, and be there for yourself. Be the best version of yourself. Love your reflection!

Don't let the bad days, make you think that you have or deserve a bad life. Take that negativity and throw it in the trash! YOU MATTER!

After all, a diamond is just a chunk of coal that did well under pressure.