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I'm sure we'd all love to believe that no matter what, your life is going to be good to you. That even if you deal with a few bumps down the road, eventually you'll reach your destination unscathed.
Sadly, I don't feel as though that's the case.
Some people never reach their destinations. Some people never get what they truly want.
Maybe this is just me thinking negatively after what happened Saturday.
Saturday I took my pregnancy test, and as I sadly predicted, it was negative. I thought maybe, I could get lucky this time, maybe the spirits up above would grant me the one wish I've had for the last two years.
I didn't get lucky. Instead, I was let down again. I was even too ashamed to tell my fiancé. I'm sure eventually he'll figure it out, once I do actually get my period.
I suppose this is just one month where my period is missed. I suppose I'm probably going to deal with irregular periods my entire life, no matter how much medication I put into my body.
Why is my body so messed up? Why am I not able to do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I'm not that much of a woman at all.
I know none of that is true though. I know that I'm just throwing myself a pity party. I know that I am every amount of woman any other is, no matter what obstacles I face. But I can't stop these negative thoughts from overpowering everything. I can't stop them from cloudy my better judgement. I can't stop them from sending me into a depression that I never thought I'd ever have to bear.
Growing up, all I ever aspired to be was a good wife, and a good mother. I've never had the full family that every kid dreams of. My family has been broken ever since I can remember. Some family members don't even acknowledge the others. It's so terribly sad and heart breaking. My father left twice, and I haven't seen him in over 10 years. His side of the family is small, and I only met them once, but they've never reached out to me or my little brother after that. I never see or speak to them. My grandma lives in another state, so it's hard to see her. We talk, but only vaguely. My two brothers live in Miami and I hardly talk to them, as they have their own lives to live. I just feel so alone, despite having my mom and my fiancé.
Top that off, with not being able to conceive while I watch friend after friend, and so on announcing their second or third pregnancies, while I can't even have one. I just feel so defeated. I feel as though it's never going to happen to me and I'm just wasting my time in trying.
I know I shouldn't think this way, but it's so hard to think positive when nothing good ever happens.
I hope I'm not bringing any of you down, that's not what I'm trying to do. If you're in the same boat as me, I urge you to continue to try even if you feel as defeated as I do. I don't want you to give up, just because I'm thinking about it. Everyone is different, and even if it never happens for me, that doesn't mean that it won't still happen for you.
I just need a place to vent, and you all out there seem like the best listeners, as odd as that sounds.
I told myself that even though I'm posting such personal things about my life to the public, I know that I'm in some way, helping someone else who may be experiencing the same things that I do. Just one person who understands, is what I'm trying to give to you, because I know how important it is.
I do confide in my mom, and my fiancé, and my best friend... but sometimes it's good to have a fresh set of ears to listen. A new perspective is always a good thing.
I don't know what my next move is... I just feel so done at the moment. I've been going at this for a long time, and I just don't see the end of the tunnel just yet.
I know I want to be a mother. I need to be a mother. I want everything that comes with it. I want to experience pregnancy, child birth, everything.
I know there are other options, surrogacy, or adoption... but I'm just so scared that I won't feel as attached to one of those babies, as I would my own. Even if that makes me sound completely horrible, it's a rational fear and with that being said, who even has the money to be able to adopt? Costs of everything are so high these days, it's insane.
I don't know, maybe I'm just venting and not making any sense at all.
All I know is, defeat is real. It does happen, and it's probably going to happen a lot.
I just hope I can overcome this. I hope I can find the end of the tunnel, because I don't know how much more of this feeling I can take. It's so hard, but then again, life has never been one to be easy, has it?
As the legend goes, when the Phoenix resurrects from the flames, she is even more beautiful than before. Perhaps we all need a little bit of that to keep us going. Maybe we need to just push a little bit further, and keep trying, even if it takes every ounce of energy we have left.
After all, true defeat, is when you simply stop trying.
