the amor files: lumos || jaemin na

year four - would you care?

"what are you doing out here?" 

jinah's heart drops in her chest, fearing the worst before she slowly turned around, ready to obliviate whoever was behind her, but when she came face to face with jaemin na, she tucked her wand back into the pocket of her robe.

"i could ask you the same question, jaemin," jinah says, turning back towards the stars. the astronomy tower was the only place she seemed to get peace of mind nowadays, with the kitchen having been fully conquested by the marauders. it had been a week since the encounter in the kitchens, and although the marauders and the girls were still angry with one another, there wasn't enough enmity to avoid or fight with each other.

jaemin doesn't say anything, sitting down in the same opening as jinah was sitting, with his legs dangling outwards over the edges of the window, a simple railing separating them from tumbling over. 

"i needed to think and renjun insisted on blasting heavy metal music - whatever that is," jaemin said in matter of response. the silence between them is fulfilling, almost necessary, as they watch the night sky twinkle and dance, laughing at their young hearts and inhibitions. it's almost ten minutes before jinah speaks again.

"is...is donghyuck feeling better?" jinah says hesitantly, eyes trained determinedly on the north star shining brightly in the far distance. jaemin sneaks a quick look at jinah, his eyes flashing with some unknown contempt, before following her gaze to the north star.

"he's doing well enough," jaemin says, a slight edge to his voice. 

"hmm," jinah says in response. they sit in silence a couple beats more before jaemin breaks it.

"why? are you concerned for him?" jaemin asks, almost against his will. why did he ask such a stupid question? what did it matter if jinah was or wasn't concerned? donghyuck was one of jaemin's closest friends - shouldn't he be happy that he realized jinah did in fact have a heart at all?

jinah looks at him strangely, a mix of anger, betrayal, and understanding swimming in her eyes. 

"just because i don't understand people, doesn't mean that i can't treat them with respect," she bites back coldly. "i know how much donghyuck means to you and my brother and renjun. i was asking out of courtesy. i apologize if you are just now realizing that i too have feelings and a heart."

for some incomprehensible reason, jaemin's heart feels as though it had been nicked by an icicle - as if someone had taken a knife dipped in ice and touched it to his chest, a sense of cold numbness sinking into his skin.

"that's not what i meant," jaemin says. his tongue drags over his lips, trying to wet them, a dryness suddenly settling on them. "i was just asking."

jinah doesn't say anything, watching the stars. in the far distance, she can hear whoops of kids who were out their bedtimes, no doubt sneaking out onto the quidditch grounds and flying around on brooms. she doesn't know what to say. she doesn't know if there is anything to say.

"would you care if it was me?" the words are soft, almost like he meant to hide them within the confines of his heart, but his heart had betrayed him and revealed them to the world. jinah's mouth goes dry, and suddenly, an uncomfortable feeling settles in her stomach. for some reason, kannika's words echo in her head.

"you don't understand people." 

she almost snorted out loud. what did that have to do with anything? and even if jinah did understand people, she doubted that it would impact anything. if jaemin was the weird one asking questions for know real reason, then no matter how deep jinah's understanding of people was, she wouldn't be able to understand him anyway.

"what do you mean?" jinah says, venturing to break the quiet. jaemin doesn't say anything, almost as if he was trying to turn the words physically inside his head, examining them inside and out before he says anything again.

"i mean, would you care if it was me? would you try and find out if there was a solution if it was me? would you...would you try to fix me?" jaemin says, and his voice gives out at the end. stupid vocal chords and stupid heart. betrayal seemed to be a common theme for the day. jinah finally breaks the staring contest she was having with the stars to look at jaemin properly.

"jaemin, i'm not trying to fix donghyuck. lycanthropy is serious stuff. i don't know how it happened to him but i would react the same way if anyone was struggling. of course i want to help donghyuck. but it's more than that too; i look for solutions because that's what i'm good at. kannika and jeno, they're too wrapped up in loyalties and people to prioritize solutions over comfort. donghyuck, obviously, can't be a factor in this equation and neither can you. you're too protective of your friends and way too defensive. you're more likely to hold onto old ideas that you came up with rather than allow someone else to be right."

jaemin doesn't say anything, even though he can feel a little flicker of flame lick at his insides. he was not defensive. he could be wrong and he was okay with admitting when he didn't have the right answer!

never mind. maybe jinah had a point.

jinah's expression grows pensive again, listening as the whoops of joy fizzle out, the delinquents flying so late at night finally tiring themselves out enough to retire for the night. the stars seems to shine a little brighter when she turns back towards them, twinkling as she gathers her thoughts.

"the only person who would even have the knowledge or the rationality to look at something like a wolfsbane potion is renjun. i've been told that wolfsbane is a common trope in muggle literature as well. and silver. there's no way renjun simply didn't know..." jinah says, her voice growing softer and softer. at that, jaemin finally lashes out.

"you don't know anything about renjun, okay? just because he's intelligent, doesn't mean he has to have all of the right answers. you don't know anything. all you're good for is hurting others." the words come out fast, sharp. meant to dig under her skin. jaemin's good at this. he's good at insulting jinah and jinah's good at insulting him right back. that's how they functioned. not nights spent in astronomy towers, watching the stars and listening to people fall in love.

they were always push and shove. tripping each other and then laughing. perhaps even a begrudging offer of an apology, even if it was hidden within tamer insults and softer jinxes. this was supposed to be normal. good. safe. comfortable. 

so why did jaemin feel so strange when jinah looked at him with large eyes and a sad smile? when her head was cocked to the side, her inky black hair falling in front of her face? when she looks at him like she's trying to read his very soul?

and why did it hurt when jinah just turned back to the stars and didn't say a single word in return?

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a/n: hmm i wonder why, jaemin you big buffoon!