Drumbeats into My Heart

9. Seth the Weak

Is examining a map of all the farmer's market locations and then memorizing the schedule a form of stalking? Or just research? Let's call it research. I have to work the tutoring job tomorrow, but as luck would have it, tomorrow's farmer's market is only two blocks from the school where I work. That means I get to see her, even if only for an hour.

During our walk yesterday, Jordi said she planned on performing every day that there's a farmer's market within biking distance. Did I interpret that as an invitation to visit each day? I'm going to say yes.

I turn my gaze to the Star Trek action figures posed on my bookshelf and take down Geordi La Forge. Though similar in first name only, I stroke the figure's head with a finger, imagining a poseable toy in Jordi's likeness. I know I'm being silly, but I can't help it. The girl fascinates me.

And she likes trance music! Well, maybe. It's possible she was just being nice when I shared my music with her. Most people are usually too polite to tell me they hate it. But that's not the impression I got from her. I mean, she was definitely nice, but she also seemed to genuinely like what she was hearing through the earbud.

I bend the figure's legs and seat it on my desk to face me.

"Would you like to go out with me sometime?" I ask it experimentally. Is that how people do it? I had imagined asking Amy Kruczkiewicz out multiple times during that year of Geometry, but never had the guts to actually do it.

Jordi was different though. Approachable. She might not laugh at me. "Hey, how about you and me, on a date?" Hmm. She might laugh at that.

I scrunch my face and look deep into Geordi La Forge's plastic visor. "There's this new sci-fi movie coming out. Would you like to—"

"Who are you talking to?" Mom calls from the hallway.

Would it be rude to tell her to mind her own business? I fantasize about doing just that for a second.

Who am I kidding? She would storm in here and yell at me until I was sufficiently cowed. "You are my business!" she would say.

I'm so pathetic.

"No one," I say dully, annoyed with myself. "Just talking to myself."

She pokes her head into the room and looks around. "While you're at it, tell yourself to clean your room."

The room actually is clean. But I did just toss a pair of socks onto the floor, so I guess it's an automatic mess. I sigh. "Okay."

The front door slams, followed by the heavy clomp of Dad's work boots. He appears behind Mom in smudged coveralls, playfully grabbing her from behind and leaning in for a smooch.

"Brad, not now. You smell." She pushes him away.

He shakes his head and peers over her shoulder at me. "How's it goin', champ?"

"Not bad."

"Good."

Mom goes back to putting bed sheets away, leaving Dad standing in the doorway. The grease-stained coveralls look too big on him, making him look even skinnier. He glances into the hallway before stepping into the room and lowering his voice.

"Everything okay? You look a little tense." Worry lines etch his forehead, and his mustache is flecked with gray.

It touches me that he notices my state of mind, and I know he cares, but when it comes right down to it, he's never been on my side. Anytime Mom picks on me, he stays silent. Or if he talks to me afterward, tries to justify her behavior. He's always defending her, not me.

"I'm fine, Dad. Thanks for asking."

He regards me a moment longer. I often wonder what goes through his head during these moments. Does he really agree with Mom's parenting style? Because he never acts the way she does. Never yells or demands. Has never hit me. But he must agree with her, because he never contradicts her.

The moment passes. He nods and leaves the room.

I slump back in my chair and look forlornly at the action figure. It's waiting there patiently, but I know better. I'm going to wuss out. It's what weak people do. It's what I've always done. I never stand up to Mom, and I never ask girls out.

Weak, weak, weak.

I straighten the figure and place it back on the shelf. "Jordana McKay, you are out of my league."

Our parents play a huge role in the way we see ourselves. He needs a vote of confidence!