Drumbeats into My Heart

54. Jordi Thinks Hard

My phone rings as I'm securing bungee cords on my bike's trailer, getting ready to head out for another gig.

It's Winnie. I consider not answering, but I can't bring myself to reject the call. She wasn't the one who embarrassed me in front of a bunch of people.

I accept the call with a sigh and press the phone against my ear. "Hi."

"Hey," she greets.

"I'm heading out, Winnie, what is it?"

"Are you doing all right?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I can hear the standoffishness in my voice, but I can't help it. It's how I feel. I busy myself with tugging on a cord to make sure it's tight.

"Because you're dating Dustin again."

I freeze, glancing around as if there might be a spy in my apartment. "Who told you that?"

"Tai."

I scratch my head. "Seth's friend, Tai?"

"Yeah, how many Tai's do you know?"

"Well, how does he know?"

"It doesn't matter. Are you or aren't you dating Dustin again?"

I pause, uncertain how to answer. "I don't know. Maybe. What does Tai know, and why would he tell you? Are you guys talking now?"

This time it's Winnie's turn to pause. "Apparently they had another fundraiser, and the guys were talking about date nights. And Tai told me about this because..." A breath went by before she said in a mumbled rush, "We're sort of going out."

I laugh. "You'll have to say that again, because it sounds like you said you were going out with Tai."

Winnie clears her throat. "I am going out with Tai."

"Oh." I blink, nonplussed. "How did that happen?"

"He asked Seth for my number, which he had on his phone thanks to you. Then he called, and we talked. Like, for two hours. I've never met a guy who could keep up with me. Did you know that non-binary people in Samoa are accepted as a third gender?"

"That... what?" I collapse into a chair, confused.

"Sorry. Tangent." There's a smile in Winnie's voice. "My point is, why are you going out with Dustin again? I thought you were over him?"

"I am. I mean, I was. I... I don't know what I mean." I rub my forehead. "I'm comfortable around him."

"You're complacent."

"I enjoy his company."

"You enjoy his convenience." An edge of exasperation creeps into Winnie's voice. "Look, I'm sure Dustin is perfectly... adequate, as someone's boyfriend. But I don't think that should be you."

"Why not me?"

"You deserve better."

I snort. How can my friend be so blind? "We deserve each other. He thinks I'm smart." I follow this with a derisive bark of laughter.

"You are smart."

I sigh, shaking my head. "And I used to think you were smart."

"Oh my god, Jordi, what does smart have to do with anything anyway? Dustin doesn't get you."

"Sure he does. We both think school isn't important."

"Maybe that's what he thinks, but I know you don't think that. If you did, you wouldn't be having such a crisis over how smart anyone is. I think you care more than you like to admit."

"Ha. If that were true, then why would I drop out?"

Silence.

"Winnie?"

"You're dropping out?"

"I wasn't sure about it before, but I am now. School isn't for me."

"Wait, Jordi, you can't be serious. It's not because of Seth is it? Because it's a big school, and you don't share any classes with him."

"No, it's not because of him. I was thinking about this before I ever met him."

"Why didn't you ever say anything? This is an awfully huge—"

"It isn't up for discussion. I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't understand. You're in honors classes for Pete's sake."

"I just think you should—"

"Winnie, I have to go." I don't wait for a reply. I just end the call.

I slump into a chair and bonk my head on the round table. Both my father and my best friend think I'm being stupid. Which, ironically, is why I'm dropping out in the first place. Don't they understand that school isn't the right place for me? Don't they want me to be happy?

My phone rings again. The call display confirms that Winnie is calling me back. I let it go to voicemail and then feel guilty about it. She's just being a good friend, but I'm not in the right frame of mind to hear any of it.

My phone beeps and displays the icon for a new voicemail message.

I consider ignoring it, but then the phone rings again.

Ugh, I feel like such a bad person, but I send the call to voicemail again.

When the phone stays silent this time, I exhale with relief. But now I have two voicemail messages from Winnie.

Against my better judgement, I dial into my voicemail box and listen.

"I can't believe you hung up on me. But, whatever. What I meant to say was who cares if some test says you have a learning disability or not? I don't. It doesn't mean you haven't been the same best friend for the last seven years. Or eight. Or is it nine? Shoot, I can't remember. Well, whatever it is, you're still the same Jordi who plays weird music and listens to all my crap. I need someone who can stand listening to all my crap, okay? It's a tough job, and you're good at it. Whether you choose to—"

The message ends, cutting her off.

My mouth quirks into a brief smile. Winnie never could get the hang of leaving brief messages.

I play the next voicemail.

"Dammit, I wasn't done! This is why I hate leaving messages. What I was trying to say is, whether you choose to learn something about yourself or not is up to you. But if you ask me, deciding not to is the coward's way out, and I know my best friend is not a coward. But either way, I'm still your friend, okay? I'll talk to you later. Oh, and don't hang up on me again, girl. It's rude."

The message ends, and I chew on my lip before replaying both messages. Is it true? Is it cowardly to avoid taking that test? I've been telling myself it's a pointless endeavor, that it's just another thing to disappoint people with, but what if my refusal is just me being a scared little girl? I don't want to take the test because I'm afraid of what the results might mean.

Damn it, why does Winnie have to be so good at reason? I don't want to think this hard about it, but now I am.

Thanks a lot, Winnie.

Sometimes we need someone to point out the things we don't want to see. Hey, like that vote button over there!