Drumbeats into My Heart

27. Seth Shares a Song

Oh my god I'm kissing Jordi McKay and it's so beyond awesome I think I'm going to explode!

My mind is officially blown.

To bits.

To itty-bitty bits.

I confessed one of the worst things a guy could possibly confess, and she still kissed me. How is that even possible?

Jordi is amazing. Kissing is amazing. Kissing Jordi is... is... I have no words. I, Seth Jensen, super-nerd extraordinaire, have no words. This day is full of impossibilities becoming possible.

When she pulls away, I open my eyes. She's heavy-lidded, eyes smoky, lips slightly parted. I want to pull her in for another one. I want to reclaim that euphoric feeling.

And then I realize my jockey shorts are feeling much tighter than they were a minute ago. I mean, can you blame me? I'm locking lips with an incredible girl. How could this not happen? Still, I don't want to scare her away with my bodily functions at this early stage. I need to find a way to contain my excitement somehow.

Then I think of my song. Well, it's not my song—I didn't write it. But I've adopted it as my song because it's perfect. It's the song of my life. The one that sings the words that I've only been able to feel. The one I listen to anytime I feel down and discouraged and need a little pick-me-up.

Thinking about those times does the trick, and my pants loosen up.

"Do you have a speaker?" I ask suddenly.

Jordi frowns a little, confusion clouding her deep blue eyes. "Speaker?"

"Yes, like a bluetooth one for your phone? I need to play this song for you. It explains how I feel. How I've been feeling. It's perfect. You need to hear it, and my phone speaker is not going to do it any justice."

Her eyebrows arch. "Oh, um, no. But we can use the computer."

She rises to her feet and I follow her to the desk in the corner of the living room, adjacent to the kitchen. Something sizzles in the kitchen as Jordi's father flips what looks like burgers in a pan.

"Here you go," she says, gesturing to the rolling chair in front of the computer.

I sit and eagerly open a browser to load up YouTube. After a quick search, I find the one I'm looking for: ABOVE & BEYOND PRESENTS OCEANLAB – On a Good Day.

I click Play and turn the speakers up. The room fills with the beats and melodies of my own personal anthem. Then the plaintive voice begins to sing about being a little lost, a little lonely. About holding on and feeling strong. Knowing deep down that I can get through it. I close my eyes as I listen, mouthing the words. Feeling their truth.

I peek at Jordi to see how she might be feeling about the song. Her head is bobbing to the beat and her fingers twitch, as if wanting to drum along with the song. It makes me smile.

I close my eyes again as the bridge ends and the next verse starts. The woman sings about feeling isolated yet hopeful. Getting used to the feeling. Lighting the fuse of discovering who she is. And in the end, the sun is shining brighter because it feels like her on a good day.

I want that hope for myself. The promise of good days ahead. I love this song.

As the chords fade out, I open my eyes again. Parts of this song feel like my life story. How long have I been sitting on a shelf, talking to myself, wondering who the heck I am? Possibly my whole life.

I glance at her again, awaiting her response.

A dazed smile lights up her face. "I've never heard that before, but I love it! Play it again."

I click the button, and we listen to the song all the way through again.

When it's over, I take her hand. I'm filled with the emotions that the song always invokes in me, so it's hard for me to look her in the eye. I focus on the computer screen instead. "Sometimes I feel lost, and sometimes I feel like I'm finding my way. For me, this song is about that trapped feeling, when I don't know what I'm doing with myself."

I pause, wondering if this sounds like some kind of cheesy monologue, but I've already gotten this far. Might as well finish.

I gather my courage and rest my gaze on our hands. "But more than that, it's about hope. The expectancy that I won't stay lost forever, that I've got what it takes to break free. And you've reminded me of that." I look into her eyes then. "My days have never been brighter."

The warmth of her smile envelopes me.

She leans forward.

I drift toward her too, holding my breath, eyes dropping to her lips.

A loud clattering sound emanates from the kitchen, followed by mild cursing. "All good!" Jordi's dad calls out. "Nothing broke."

Her gaze flicks to the kitchen and then back to me. Her forward movement has ceased, but she squeezes my hand instead. "That's so beautiful, Seth. Thanks for sharing that with me."

Incidentally, this song really does inspire me. Reminds me that I will get through my struggle,  whatever it may be, and that there is light ahead. <3