Drumbeats into My Heart

57. Seth Might Be Turning into His Mother

An entire week. I've been trying to reach Jordi for an entire week, and nothing. Calls go into voice mail. Text messages just hang there without reply. Either her phone has completely died or she's avoiding me. My money is on the latter.

I roll over on my bed, set my phone down, and stuff my face into the pillow. I start thinking about tracking her down at one of the farmer's markets, but if she's refusing to even reply to a single text message to tell me to stop, I don't think she'll want me showing up when she's trying to earn some cash.

My stomach twists every time I think about the dagger-filled glare of betrayal she shot me at the birthday party. Because I really had betrayed her. This was her sensitive secret that she'd told no one about, and I went and blabbed my big mouth about it. In front of my judgmental mother of all people.

I shake my head at the stupidity of it all. I still can't figure out what came over me. I get so intense about things sometimes that I forget how to be a tactful human being.

Oh, God, is that how my mother is? Am I acting like she does?

The thought makes me physically ill.

I may look like my dad, but if I'm actually turning into my mom, I should just commit myself to an institution right now. Or jump off a cliff.

I call Tai instead.

"Dude," I say when he picks up, "am I turning into my mom?"

"Hello to you too."

"Yeah, hi. Answer the question."

"Are you having one of your freakouts?"

"Maybe. Why are you avoiding the question?" I get up and start pacing the room.

"Chill, bro. Let's break it down, yeah?"

"Okay. Yeah." I settle into my desk chair, already feeling a bit calmer at the prospect of sorting out my weird feelings.

"Do you try to control people?" he queries.

"Uh..." I think about how I kept coercing Jordi to take the dyslexia test. "Maybe."

"All right," Tai replies without judgement. "Do you think you know more than everyone else?"

I get a sinking feeling. "I'm a tutor. It's my job to know more than everyone else."

"Okay. Do you feel like you have to be right all the time?"

"I'm never right all the time."

"Good. Do you get mad at people when they prove you wrong?"

"I mean, it doesn't feel good to be wrong."

"But do you want to lash out at them for it?"

"No."

"Exactly. Do you think less of people for being wrong?"

"No, I just want to help them if I can."

"That's what I thought. Final question: Have you, Seth Jensen, been shopping for brassieres?"

I bust out into freeing laughter. I'd been sitting ramrod straight like I was at a formal job interview, but the hilarity of his ridiculous question has ushered the tension far away. I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees, sagging with relief now that the anxiety is gone. I almost want to cry with relief.

"Dude, you have no idea what you just did for me," I tell him.

"You just needed to get out of your head. I mean, you're smart and all, but your brain is a scary place to be stuck inside."

"No joke. Thanks, man."

"Anytime."

We chat for a few minutes more. When I set my phone down again, I feel so much better. Who needs therapy when I have Tai?

I rotate in my chair to face my desk. The video I'd been watching on my laptop earlier is still paused. Another thing that separates me from my mother is the desire to learn this drum Jordi gave me. If she won't be the one to teach me to play it, then I'm going to figure it out on my own.

I press play to resume the video. "There are three basic parts to the KuKu rhythm. We'll start out slow, and once you get comfortable, we can speed it up. Keep practicing, and we'll make you a djembe pro in no time."

I scoot away from the desk, position the drum between my knees, and follow along with the instructor. This slow, plodding pace makes me feel like a five-year-old learning to tie his shoes, but this is how it's done. I have to learn the basics first or I'm just going to make a fool of myself trying to play this thing.

There is one thing I hadn't anticipated. She may not be here teaching me, but I feel a little closer to Jordi by doing this. By learning the thing she loves. Will mastering this djembe make me a more lovable person? Doubtful. I'm pretty sure I'm not scoring any points with Mom.

But if this takes me even a fractional amount closer to the kind of person Jordi might want to be with, then I'm going to throw myself into the task like I'm being graded on it.

A for effort, Seth! *bangs on vote button*