Silent songbird

Chapter 7

I was finally on the train. I knew the address since Maoka's cousin was in my actual class and he was one of the rare ones not knowing what I did to Amylee. I was looking on my phone the distance between my train station and the address where I was supposed to go and seeing the "2 kilometres" on the GPS app made me question if my little guess really was worth it. I decided the money I already had put on it was making it impossible for me to go back so I just put earphones on and fell asleep. When I woke up, the train was stopping at a station. I looked where we were and I took my thing and nearly ran out of the vehicle. I was lucky to have woken up there since this was my station. I adjusted my bag and started walking toward the road. All was quiet and kind of scary because it was already dark outside since it was the winter solstice but the temperature was bearable. The sun was still a little visible behind the trees but it was about to disappear to leave only the moonlight. I walked on the road for an indeterminate time and ran across a gas station. I stopped to find food and some coffee since I knew these shops would be rare on the way. I also knew that after 2 hours of walking on a dark path with only background noise the silence would clearly make me want to sleep and caffeine wouldn't be a bad idea.

I paid and got out of the store only to realise the sun had completely disappeared and that this little nocturne walk was definitely not my best idea. I should've taken an earlier train ticket but the only one I found was one at three in the afternoon. The fact that there was no car was a good and a bad thing because if I got hurt it would not be because of one of them but it also meant no one would be able to find me. This idea scared me so I decided to think of what I should tell Amylee once I get there. I never really thought of it before now.

So I recapulated the situation first. Amylee was twelve years old when she came to our school. She was kind, calm, shy, talentuous, smart and even more. Why did I do all of this to her? I even fell in love with her. Any normal person would have tried to get close to the one they loved. Not bully them until they were forced to change schools. I didn't want to assume my feelings so I did this? Probably since she was different and I was scared of new things. Or was I jealous so I turned everyone against her so that she wasn't with other people? Maybe the two of them. I was in love with her from the very beginning but even if she was just at the first rank of this little classroom she seemed to be the thing the most far from me.

I then started to think of what I did. The first time I told her she was ugly. After that I called her a monster more than one time. I also told her she was stupid, weird, scary, horrible and retarded. I was really no more than a burden back then. I remember the day I found out that words were not that bad. I had so many other sadic ideas. What a troubled child I was.. I feel so ashamed of myself and am disgusted by what I've done. I first stepped on her binder to break it. I spilled water on her papers, dawn with a permanent marker on her locker. After that I bumped into her, pushed her down the stairs. Even then one time she started bleeding. I remember just laughing. The stairs had caused a thin and long wound on the side of her face. A thin and long wound on the side of her face! The scar. I was the one who did this to her! Why did she hide it from me when I asked her? Did she possibly want to protect me and not make me feel bad? Maybe she was just scared of my reaction. This explanation would be way more likely to be the one. I feel so bad now. How could I not realise it before? I am the most ridiculous person in the world.

Did I ever apologise to her? I never did. I used to say she was a monster all because she was mute but in the end, was she the monster or am I. Someone once told me that mute people were silenced angels sent on earth to find people and help them find the good path. I guess she was my angel but instead of accepting her help I just went even further in my idiocy. Proof, I am lonely, walking on an empty countryside road in the dark to find a person that probably never really cared about me. I don't know if she is there and I don't know if I'll be welcome there but I guess only knowing she is alive will help me get rid of at least the dreams. I kind of hope that Maoka opens the door and simply tells me she doesn't want to see me. That way I will not have to talk and I'll know she is OK. I am so selfish when I think of it. I get there and remind her of probably the worst time of her life just so I can feel like a good person again. I know that I am not one so even with that I will not feel better. Why did I take that train?

The forest made the road a little thinner but anyways there weren't any cars. I continued walking until my phone didn't catch the network anymore. I panicked and took a picture of the GPS since the picture application works a little even without a network. I finally found some houses after a one kilometre walk and got some Wi-Fi. I looked around and wondered if Amylee could live here, in this little town full of old and small dwellings. I hope she is happy and I also hope I won't bring back too many memories by apologising like that. I should get her something. There must be a shop or something in this place. I'll bring her something. I think she liked flowers and cute things but I don't know if she still does.