Silent songbird

Chapter 8

Only one kilometre left. I don't want to go. I can't believe I did this to her as a kid. She probably forgot anyway! I don't feel like I should go and apologise. It would probably not help her since it's been so long and she surely just continued to hate me. It's true that she never liked me. Well she must have hated me. Why would she like me or anything after I bullied her for almost half of the year? She even changed schools because of me!

I don't know how many metres left before I reach my destination but my coat never seemed that thin and I will probably have to drink one of the coffees soon. I can't stand myself anymore. I am stupid and I don't even deserve to live! Why did I come that far from home? What is wrong with me! It's been twenty minutes already since I had to stop multiple times to adjust my coat or change the blanket I used as a shawl since the snow covered it. This walk that could have been only thirty minutes would be at least one hour long. All of that because a girl went away and I feel bad. I feel betrayed by myself right now. How could I do that? Now it is too late but why did I have to come here in the snow, without telling anybody. I am an idiot.

Eight hundred metres left. If there is really a god, then I swear to him that if she forgives me and he allows me to be happy again, I'll be a good son. I'll be a good brother, a good student and a good uncle. I'll do anything for her to forgive me. I swear I'll be a good person. From now on I'll smile. I'll be there for everyone who needs me. I'll stop thinking I deserve to die. I'll be good I swear but please let me be on good terms with her and keep her out of any danger or trouble. Please let me catch up on all the things I lost by acting like a fool. Please just give me a chance to see her and be there like I should have. Even if she hates me or whatever. Let me help her get over this as much as I would like to help me. Let me help myself to get over it. I'll do anything I swear but you have to save this relationship I broke before it even started.

I shouldn't have done all of this. I feel like running and jumping to get the pain that's in my chest out but I just want to lay in the snow, waiting for it to cover my arms, legs and head so I can't move or breathe. Waiting to feel like floating in the middle of the sea. I want to scream at the top of my lungs for help to get me out of this miserable situation but I just want to keep quiet until it's all over. I want to cry but I feel as if all the tears in my body are already all used. I need to speak about it and ask for advice on what to do to be happy again and not feel this constant regret and pain but I want to stop talking and be quiet for the rest of my life.

Only the stairs and the poarch of the small blue house before I saw her. I made up my mind and decided to apologise and ask her to stay in contact. I will be able to be forgiven. We could even smile together! I also got her something. It's orange lilies since I know these are her favourites. I hope she still likes them. I remember she always brought some to our teacher back in elementary school. I decided I would get over all of this with her by my side no matter what. I am still sad and angry but the more steps I take in front of me, the more I accept that I made mistakes, big ones even. I made mistakes like everyone else and I need to get better now and make myself forgiven. I can't just stay there, craving pity and attention. I will get my own life back on track. It's time my flower grows.