Keeper of The Lost Cities: Book 9: Showdown

Chapter 43 - Sophie's POV

I fling my cape haphazardly over Vertina's mirror, a habit I picked up when I didn't want to be concerned about Dex and Biana and Elysium and the Wanderling after I came back from Foxfire - though right now, I'm not concerned about any of those things.

I bury my face in my pillows and am dimly aware of Edaline's gentle knocking on my room. She does that more often, now, than she did before - coming up to my room to check on me every time I get back from somewhere. I pretend to not notice, pretend to not mind, pretend to not know why she's doing this.

And I know everyone thinks that everything's going to be alright after we get Dex and Biana after we pay Elysium a visit - and they should; the plan is simple. Get in, hunt for Biana and Dex, and get out, without setting any alarms. Keefe and Amy will bleed, opening doors where they need to be opened.

But I know that it's not going to be simple like that. I know that Elysium's going to be under heavy surveillance by the Council (after all, not all of them are coming, even if some of them are), the Black Swan, and the Neverseen. We're going to set off more alarms then necessary, and I know that we're going to need some of Keefe's guilt-free demeanor.

I meant to visit Amy at Livvy's after I gave Keefe's journal back, and I accomplished one of those things (and then some) but I can't find the mood to pick myself up again. Wrenching a hand underneath the high collar of my tunic, I yank it from my skin and rip it in the process, not caring as I run to the bathroom and tear off the rest of my clothing before jumping into the shower and letting the freezing water hit my skin. My silent, hot, salty tears get lost in the cold streams of water. I don't know why I'm crying - I can't find it in myself to explain. When I finally step out of the shower, a looooonnngg time later, Edaline's found a way to get in my room, and she slowly takes in my puffy eyes and stringent, dripping hair. Her gaze just stays on mine for a while, and I'm too tired to say anything to her, to explain my condition, to say where I was, how it went, and something breaks in my mother's eyes, her head tilting and nodding as though she was acknowledging that there need not be words exchanged for her to understand, and that maybe nothing's okay, but she'll be there for me if I need it. I can't find it in me to nod back, but I manage to scrape some energy from the dregs of somewhere and make a slight acknowledgement to her and the bowl of starkflower stew waiting for me. I know I didn't make it, though I probably should so I don't forget.

A long time after the sun has set, Edaline has left, and my stew has gone cold. My hair is splayed across the now damp pillows, strands long since dry. I didn't mean to lash out at Keefe, but I think that something in me thought that no one else would listen - and if they listened, they wouldn't understand. It hurts even more because the only person I want to yell at is Keefe, but the only person I want to laugh with, cry with is Keefe. And that makes me feel like a toxic person and there are a hundred other people I can scream the problems of the world at, but my heart aches at the thought of Keefe not being there to crack some sort of joke after I'm done.

I've never felt this way before, not with my age-old crush with Fitz, not with my years of friendship with Dex. And they were all right - Keefe's disappearance opened up something inside me and emptied me, broke me, and I've spent all this time stepping on the shards of my heart I was looking for. I don't know what I want with Keefe. I kissed him today, and it felt right - but I don't know if that's how every kiss feels, 'cause the only other person I've ever kissed was Dex and that screamed weird! in every way. I don't want to worry about relationships right now, but my mind keeps drifting to the way I sniped at Keefe for leaving with his powers. I know it was wrong, and it was the most condescending words I've ever said, but Keefe clenched his teeth and bore through it, telling me it wasn't like me to say such things. Knowing Keefe and his spitfire attitude, he probably had a hundred things lined up to say back to me, but the fact that he didn't makes me, out of the blue, sob - and loudly. Loud enough that in the middle in the night, Edaline sweeps into my room to check on me, and when she sees the sobbing mess that I am, she makes a sound in the back of her throat and wraps me in a hug while I make a mess of the soft fabric on her shoulder. Through my tears, I see Grady making his way to me, too, and soon his arms are around me too.

Edaline rubs my back, and murmurs soothing words that I don't half understand, but Grady asks, quietly, "what happened, kiddo?"

Edaline half-heartedly swats at him, but if I'm to come to terms with the way I feel about Keefe, I might as well talk about it. "I s-sniped at K-Keefe."

"As you should. How bad was it?"

Edaline really does swat him this time. "Bad," I say. "I made terrible fun of him when..." I burst into another round of sobs, and Edaline hands me a soft tissue. "And I don't even know where it came from! I just... I don't know. I did a little yelling. A little sniping."

Grady nods. "Edaline did that to me once."

"Shh!" Edaline gives him The Look. "We don't need to talk about that right now."

Grady bats her away. "Examples. Edaline yelled at me so bad my mother came in to ask me what happened."

"He didn't rat me out," Edaline states. "But he gave the lamest excuse I've ever heard - I was this close to wondering why I was still dating this guy."

"What was his excuse?" because I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious.

Edaline rolls her eyes. "He told her I was yelling at Juline on my imparter."

Grady holds his hands up in surrender. "It sounded believable right up until I said it."

I, however, am very confused. "That sounds like a believable excuse."

Edaline laughs. "Grady hadn't even met Juline yet."

He nods. "Edaline didn't mention her until I met her."

I sniffle. "But what's the point?"

"The point was my mother knew I was lying, and I got an hour lecture on lying after."

Edaline gives me a small smile. "But Grady just listened to me while I yelled at him, and he could've told his mother that I was, but instead he lied for me. That was when I knew that Grady was the one."

I had no way their story was this sappy. I'm about to say as much but catch the knowing look on Edaline's face and the understanding look on Grady's face.

I am scared.

"Was this... what happened with... Keefe?" Grady asks me, and I notice that he called him Keefe, not That Boy.

I turn red.

Grady sighs. "Out of all the boys out there, you had to choose that one?"

Edaline gives him The Look again. "Let's not-"

"No, it's even worse!" I sob-yell. "'Cause I yelled at him, and he didn't say anything, and then he told me that this wasn't me! And he's right, because it's not me!" I bury my face in my hands. "And I didn't know it until he told me. Why did someone else have to tell me?"

Grady and Edaline are silent for a minute, and then when the silence is broken, it's not Edaline, but Grady. "C'mon, kiddo," he says, pulling Edaline and I to our feet. "Lots of Mallowmelt is the only thing that will solve this problem, and Edaline made anoth-"

"Oh no you don't," Edaline growls, and suddenly they're both tripping over each other to get to the door first, and I'm left laughing and sobbing at them, because how could my life ever be as simple as that?