Ghost Of You | cth

20. I Hold Back The Tears

~Paige

I can't tell if I'm more angry or sad. I just know that I feel like crying every time I talk to someone, and feel angry when I think about him.

After my high wore off, I felt even worse than before. It was as if all of my thoughts slingshotted right back into my brain, the image of what happened permanent.

My stomach hurt throughout the whole night because of the amount of junk food I ate. If my brain wasn't enough to keep me up all night, the pain in my stomach definitely was.

I was tossing and turning in my hotel bed, clenching my stomach and wishing the pain would just go away. My head was pounding when I woke up this morning and I didn't even go down to the hotel cafe to get breakfast with my friends.

But the worst part is, my heart hurts most of all.

"Paige you have to eat something." Vanessa says, sitting across from me at a restaurant we found in the airport.

I had my elbows propped up on the table with my head resting in the palm of my hand. The hood of my sweater is up over my head, and I removed the sunglasses I was wearing when we entered, allowing the dark circles under my eyes to be on full display.

If I don't feel bad enough, I definitely look it.

Vanessa scoots her plate of fries towards me, "At least eat one?" I shake my head. "Paige please. You haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon and we have a long flight ahead of us."

I'm not even sure if I'm hungry or just really upset. The numbness I feel overcomes any other emotion or necessity.

"I'm not hungry Nessa." I mumble under my breath. She looks at me worrisome and unconvinced.

I know she knows why I'm acting this way, that part goes unspoken. I'm also glad that no one has pushed me to talk about it yet. They know I'll talk about it when I'm ready, if I ever am ready.

Michael and Luke walk over to our table with their carry-on bags in hand. They had eaten lunch somewhere else with Ashton and Calum.

Our group can hardly ever make a collective agreement on what to eat so we decided to split up since Vanessa and I enjoy similar foods. Even though only one of us has an appetite right now.

"We're boarding soon," Luke announces. "Should we head over to our gate?"

Michael squints his eyes in confusion when he notices that Vanessa's side of the table is the only one with food on it.

"Paige did you eat?" He asks me, ignoring Luke's previous question towards us.

I look up at him trying my best to look as alive as possible.

My mouth widens to respond but Vanessa beats me to it, "No she didn't." I lay my arms in my lap, my head bowed down in disappointment. I don't need my friends worrying about me when they have better things to do.

I am entirely capable of taking care of myself, I've been doing it my whole life.

"Are you hungry?" Michael asks. "We have time to get you something before we board." He eagerly turns his head towards a line of people waiting to order food.

I quickly wave his offer off, "No, no, I'm alright I promise." The three look at me unconvinced, but thankfully don't push it any further. If they did I'm not sure I would be able to handle it. My emotions have been all over the place these past few days and I'm desperate for a break from everything.

Vanessa and I stand up and start walking with Luke and Michael, she throws her trash away on the way out of the restaurant, intertwining her hands with Luke as they walk ahead of Michael and I.