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I laid there on my side as I blinked my eyes, staring ahead. My breathing was rapid while I tried to tame myself as my mind went into deep thought, leaving every emotion to run throughly throughout my body and to leave nothing but tears to brim in my eyes.
Feeling Paris's body come up, I quickly cleared my throat and closed my eyes in attempt to clear my eyes while I felt him hovering over me. "You going back ta' sleep, baby?" I heard him mumble against my skin.
I shook my head while he hummed in response. "You up or we taking ah' nap?" Paris asked, kissing my jaw.
"Um" I started off, clearing my throat as I laid there. I was trying to get myself together in so he wouldn't know that I was about to cry or get emotional for some sort. Being that he had just finished giving me oral, I didn't want to think that it was him. It wasn't and it never was but it was me.
"What do you wanna do?" I asked rolling over as I rubbed my eyes while he stayed hovered over me. I knew that he was looking at me but I didn't want to make my mood obvious to him. "We can do what you want"
"But I'm asking you though, mamas" Paris said leaning down as he pecked my lips. "It's whatever you want"
"I don't know" I said shrugging, glancing down as my vision of sight for blurry. "I guess we can do whatever you want to do. I don't have anything that I want to do—just as long as I'm with you, I guess"
Sniffing, I closed my eyes as Paris wiped my cheeks and sighed while I covered my face.
I didn't know why I was this way nor did I know why I was acting this way but the more I thought about it, the more it simply just frustrated me.
When I had first got into this relationship with Paris, I was okay. I was somewhat confident to say that I was good whenever a person asked about me but now, I wouldn't even know what to say. I knew part of me was becoming reactive to the way that I did towards different things because of my mom and how everything just played itself out to be. I mean, grieving isn't something that could be done over night and I realized that but within having more issues on top of issues dealing with the different things I worried about on daily—I didn't know how to adapt and I could honestly say that it bothered me.
It was like I could feel myself changing and I could feel myself going back to where I had just came from.
Being sad, angry, depressed and just unmotivated on things. It was a lot and I told myself that I could try and maybe get on the right track but it's not happening and I could say that, it didn't matter the amount of time that had it passed but it only made me think about the worse as it did.
