Bitter.
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Jeongin poured his whole body against Hyunjin, laying silently as the taller held him. The cold wind from the spring breeze was tracing his body gently, causing shivers to run down his spine. But he felt warm and comfortable in Hyunjin's arms, a pout displayed on his lips, he didn't know what to do nor feel.
He haven't felt a form of liking for Hyunjin in such way before now, he loved to chill or genuinely have fun..but whenever he thought about Hyunjin wrapping his arms around his waist, he totally lost it. He wanted and craved for kisses, touches and words that wouldn't make him feel deprived of love again. He realized that maybe he loved the taller's attention because he never received love nor affection when he was younger..and he saw that as a negative thing, he wanted to see the positive side. But if he only craved for kisses and touch because he was deprived of it, then wouldn't that be..mean?
He felt as if he was using Hyunjin up, but he didn't want to. He liked how nicely Hyunjin treated him, there was no way he would dare to use him like that.
Maybe he was just afraid of the future, or how Hyunjin genuinely felt..he was tired of being a burden and a mistake, he wanted to be free and happy..Hyunjin made him feel free and happy.
"It hurts so badly" Jeongin mumbled, pout staying on his face as he felt the urge to cry. He wanted to pour himself into a glass and fill it to the point it couldn't hold anymore, he just signs want Hyunjin to be that glass.
"Where, are you okay?" Hyunjin pulled away softly, eyes immediately trailing down to his ankle.
There was it again, the unnecessary caring words and gestures, something that worsened the feeling in his heart.
Was he a bad person?
"N-no..here" Jeongin stuttered, eyes closing as he held his hand against his chest, not wanting to seem too emotional. "It hurts..like someone is clenching it, telling me that every single thing I do is a mistake, or just genuinely wrong..I dou t myself and others, I'm insecure, I hide the fact I'm clearly not okay..I just don't want to burden you, or make you be that one glass I'll overfill eventually" Jeongin spoke, keeping his eyes clenching close, breath getting caught in his throat as he halted for a second, wanting to feel the warmth of Hyunjin's arms tightly around him.
"Your body is refusing the love it receives for a reason. I can't give a clear answer without know who you are and where you originate from" Hyunjin spoke, his thumb tracing his bottom lip.
"I'm..I'm from Seoul, a judgemental family who refused to show me affection or emotions, my parents were the type of people to claim they like you, but then proceed to throw shit on your face. I got called useless, pathetic, ugly, yet even a misfit" Jeongin spoke, not knowing why he put so much trust on Hyunjin, but for now it felt like he was rooting for his own death, like he could let all out on someone then proceed to take it off on himself.
"You come from a home were verbal abuse and neglect is treated as a norm, your used to be called words on a daily basis if you didn't act, talk, eat or fucking breathe the way they wanted..you parents can't control you here, they're on Seoul living their own lives you chose to stay with me" Hyunjin spoke, trying to cheer the younger up.
Jeongin felt his gaze fall, he felt himself feel worse..he felt at blame for complaining about his deceased parents, but they had said and done things to him that was never acceptably okay. He had to stand up against them far to long ago, bit he was scared back then, and he was even more now.
He felt pathetic.
"I feel guilty cause...I don't feel I have the rights to complain, especially considering the fact they died not to long ago.." Jeongin mumbled, both hoping that Hyunjin either did or didn't hear.
"I'm sorry really, you deserve the world" Hyunjin spoke, ending his sentence with a perfectly cherished kiss, that made butterflies fly around Jeongin's tummy.
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It was one of the other kids birthday today, man it was exhausting to socialize that much :).
