18 years, 9 months, 25 days,
I've come to the conclusion.
Life is hard to navigate. Or maybe it's just mine.
I've laughed, I've lost, and I've learnt. Oh I've learnt.
The heart warming feeling of finding your people, to the sickening feeling of realising those aren't the one. From love to heartbreak, from acquisition to loss.
If life is a dice I played one's and the universe has Six's. To begin to explain all the things I've learnt and been through would be to sit you down and tell you a tale even you wouldn't believe but is somehow a universal experience. My recent experience though, is heartbreak.
I've met many individuals, fallen for quite a lot too. But I've never held expectations, never wanted more than to give my love, admire, but never touch. Let me tell you a tale though. Of the one boy I did dare to desire. The one boy I did get a taste of.
Tall, golden skinned, and definitely appealing to my eye was a boy I never expected to enter my life. We met by accident, and then we're connected by mutual friends. Our eyes lingered on first meeting as so to say we knew we'd play an important role in the other's life. His mannerisms were as sweet as honey and as slick as butter. He'd call me darling and embrace me in tight hugs. He would give me his hoodies when I was cold and I'd bask in scent. Never had I ever met a man who was kind and affectionate and asked for nothing in return. His face glowed when he saw me and soon enough I found myself glowing too. He felt warm. Like home. I felt safe and protected. I've never felt safe with a man before.
Alas. Nothing is ever so perfect. He does have a girlfriend. I've been aware since the first day I met him. He's so proud of her and talks about her all the time. I was her biggest fan, until I was not.
Disgusted, that's what I feel. To desire a man that belongs to another. Repulsed with my very being, and perplexed as to how these feelings developed in the first place.
At first I had hope. It seemed they were fighting and they would break up. However, as time went on, I realised that is just the order of things. People don't always agree on things. That doesn't mean they'd give up on each other. Right? I'd never know. I've never opened my heart enough to someone to learn that first hand.
I respect them, I respect her. I respect him. And I've put my distance between them both. I've met her just once, but she seemed lovely.
It hurts, that my first real example of love, of a person capable of love. Could not love me. But I guess that's what makes it the perfect example of love. Their commitment to one another.
I'm thankful to have experienced the platonic care he gave to me. I pray I heal from this heartbreak soon and get over such disgusting emotions from my heart.
March 10 2022. I dare not forget this date.
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Casuale#everyoneissomeoneelsesweirdo A place where I can be my true self and effectively connect with my followers/readers. Basically a sneak peek into my mind.. warning! anything happens here! Its a dark dark place....
