Indecipherable Looks

Chapter 15

Why had he ever expected that things would work out? Life had always been an endless barrage of tragedies for Riftan, one after the other. To think, to hope things would change- could only be called childish.

And yet, he couldn't understand what had gone wrong, what had made things so irreparable beyond repair between them. One day she had clung to him and told him the most wonderful, unimaginable things. He could still feel her closeness if he tried, her soft lips, trembling body, the complete softness and beauty she possessed. Was it not real?

But the next day, she had denied him, avoided his eyes as if he really were that dirty, shameful individual everyone spoke of. If she believed it, maybe it was true.

Because he would still love her, even now, even as he prepared to leave and never come back. He would torture himself with her memory until the day he died. And it had been much more than he ever thought possible- maybe he should be grateful in the end, grateful that he had a small taste, he thought with a dark chuckle. Those few weeks were more than he was worthy of.

Though it didn't matter- it would never be enough for him. He wanted all of her, forever, beyond his last breath. Try as he might, Riftan could never shake this want, this intense need that consumed him, held him, tied him to her like unbreakable shackles. And as destructive as it was, he didn't truly want to be free.

He had tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep, but also unwilling to open his eyes. How would he live without her now? He was too used to everything about Maxi; how she found pleasure in the simplest things, her kindness, the hypnotizing tone of her voice, her laughter- how would he go without hearing it? As the sun rose, he wondered why it did. When the light shining on his face forced him to look into the red horizon, he thought perhaps he was being punished for some grave sin in a past life. For the pain he felt was immeasurable.

He had to get up anyway, because the world never stopped for anyone's troubles.

"What do you mean we're leaving today!" Uslin stood up in defiance. "The month stay's almost over but if we leave now, It'd be rude to the host. You can't just do that."

"I don't care. Just spread the word while I make sure everything's in order." He was in no mood to deal with anyone's bullshit today. The Duke could sincerely go fuck himself.

"If you don't mind me saying," He minded everything Hebaron said, especially now. "You look a little pale today. Honestly, I thought you'd opt to stay longer, what with the lady and all...uh..." With Riftan's pure unadulterated rage fixated on him, the knight abruptly stopped, almost letting out a whimper in fear.

Fucking idiots.

As he walked away, Ruth yelled something about him needing to eat, but he ignored it. If he sat down, they'd just try and probe him for information about the woman he loved, the woman who so quickly filled his heart and ripped it out of his chest all at once. But then- he could not blame her for not wanting to sully her good name by attaching it to his. So then as he had done his whole life, Riftan would keep it together. He would awaken without a true purpose, and he would retire without one as well, merely staying alive. And when death inevitably came...

He would welcome it with open arms.

She walked past the room.

Riftan had lost his senses so quickly; almost walking up to her and asking what was wrong. It was only a small glimpse of her, and she hadn't noticed him, but the sight of such a sad angel nearly made him crumble to pieces. He didn't feel like a man when he looked at her. He was the broken child running from home, looking for something. And it was her along, but as soon as he found Maxi, she was gone from his reach.

He tried to remember her image- was that the last time he would see her? Riftan wanted to run around the corner just to watch her retreating person, but felt himself rooted to the spot, unaware of the confused looks he was getting.

She was wearing a brown dress, with her hair down the way he liked it, a forlorn expression that did not belong on her sweet face as her shoulders were hunched forward, and she fiddled with...her necklace. Why was she still wearing that, in light of what had happened? It sent him into a spiral of questions that could not be answered, doubts and confusion that would not go away.

Maxi was wearing it yesterday, too, when she said all those things to him.

Why?

He obsessed over that as he prepared for their leave, while he packed his things. When he mounted Talon and led the knights out of the castle gates, away from his only love, all he thought about was the necklace in her shaking hands.