Mental Beatdown

Fuckboys Asking "How Do Lesbians Have Sex?"

Holy shit. You would not believe often I get this question.

And, you know what? I don't mind it from people who don't understand how straight sex works. That's fine. Or if you don't know how to get a girl off. That's fine, too.

But, (and this is directed towards straight guys, because they ask most often in my experience) if you ask how lesbians have sex it genuinely seems like you don't know how to get a girl off without a penis. That's fine, if you're cool with that. But there are some people out there (the internet calls them fuckboys, but I just call them assholes) who will get all offended that I say that. IT'S TRUE. I've NEVER had a problem with guys, or straight guys, or really any group of people in general. But whenever I bring this up everyone's like "Oh you hate guys because durdurdurdurdur."

Look. From my experience, guys ask this all the fucking time. I'm not saying ALL guys do! Or even a majority! Just the fuckboys. But I'VE HAD IT HAPPEN MORE THAN FOUR TIMES. That's why I bring up the "penis" part. Also, because any time I bring that up guys get all angry and upset over their lost masculinity and I think it's funny. I know this last paragraph has nothing to do with the topic but I know the internet loves arguing with me over whether lesbians just generally hate guys (we don't. I know I can't say "my best friend is a guy" because apparently, to the internet, that does not matter, but it's true. A lot of my friends are males. That is evidence I do not hate them and want them all to die and for me to one day wear their severed dicks, or something).

Anyway. I've had girls ask this, too, and it's kind of troubling in general. Firstly, because who the fuck just asks a person what they do in bed. Unless you are best friends, don't fucking do that. I know some people will be like "Oh, it's just ignorance, and in one rant you said not to punish people for ignorance!" That's true. But, you also shouldn't ask people something so personal, especially when you don't know them (which happens way too often). If you're good friends and you're curious, sure. Maybe. It's still weird. But, say, oh, I don't know, if a friend's boyfriend were to first meet me and find out I'm lesbian and, say, ask me to describe how we have sex in detail, I'll be angry. That's the thing, too. We can only describe it in detail. How else do you describe it? "Hand stuff."

"What hand stuff."

"You know."

"I don't."

That. Forever. it just goes on forever. It's fucking annoying.

At this point, after being asked so many goddamn times, I'm convinced that most people who ask (*cough*FUCKBOYS*cough*) just want an in-depth, graphic description of how lesbian sex works so they can get off. Why else would they ask? These types of guys are all about how good they are in bed ("snd me nudez and ill mak u cum ;););););););)" etc.,), so why WOULDN'T they know how to get a girl off? It's pretty easy. Just take a dick out of the equation. What do you have? Hands. Mouth. Devices. Hopefully rope.

I'mkinkyshutup.

That brings me to my second (fuckboy-exclusive) theory. They cannot imagine having sex without a penis. And, for once, Tumblr gave a really good opinion on how I feel about this: "i hate when straight guys ask about lesbian sex. if you can't imagine how to have sex without a penis, you must be having some terrible sex." YOU CAN DO IT, GUYS. IT'S POSSIBLE. That's like asking "How do you make another car besides a Mustang?" You use different parts. Moron.

Look, here's the thing. I know I'll probably get one comment from some angry straight guy going "You're being so mean and biased and lalalalalalalala." This goes for females, too! Except for the fuckboy part. But that's not a big part of the male population (unless you are in middle school). Here's the best thing you can do: don't ask a gay person how they have sex. It's weird. Even if we're close, it's weird. If we bring it up on our own, great! You know! If not, don't ask. It's like asking your parents how they fuck. So, here's a secret: the internet has an amazing invention! It's called Google! And, yes, you will get some misinformation (SCISSORING IS NOT REAL GUYS IT'S REALLY NOT), but just go to some lesbian blog (there are tons and tons and tons and tons) and see if they address it. If you absolutely CANNOT IN ANY WAY FIND THE INFORMATION WITHOUT ASKING, don't ask. You don't REALLY need to know, unless you think you may be lesbian. If that's the case, ask. It's more important to know that then potentially do something dangerous, weird, or uncomfortable. But if you're asking just to know, don't bother.

But trust me, you're missing out. Because. Whoooooweeee do we have some great sex.