Mental Beatdown

Fake Hipsters

Look, I'll get this out of the way first, so I don't hear people bitching: I'm a total hipster. If you've ever seen me, you know that. I always wear either polka dots or Keds or a band shirt (occasionally all at once), and I love sweaters, and cats, and indie bands, all that shit. I'm a hipster.

But I'm not the annoying kind that obsesses over mustaches and has mustache everything and wears ironic glasses. I just have particular interests that fall into the hipster category.

Anyway.

Somehow, it became cool to be hipster, when throughout history hipsters have been like redheads: occasionally hot when in female form, but overall universally hated for being assholes and completely unlovable. And I'm talking the Hipster Hipster. The scientific name. By the Hipster Hipster mean that guy/girl who wears tight pants and leather jackets and loves mustaches and talks in a fake French accent because they think it's "ironic." That hipster. 

When did this become cool? When did being a fucking douchebag become cool? Let's be real; the Hipster HIpster and the fake hipster are basically the other side of dumb jocks on the "Who I Want To Die" scale. They are equal, but opposite. 

But somewhere along the way this became the thing to do, and now everyone is so "cool" because they drink coffee at young ages and adore Apple and collect vinyl even though they don't understand why they're doing any of this. It's hilarious to think about hipsters, because they love being "away from the crowd" and "individual" when really all they're doing now is just following what everyone else is doing: i.e. being a hipster asshole.

When people like indie music and sweaters and stuff like that (stuff "hipsters" tend to like) but they're not pretentious or annoying about it, I love them. When they don't post fucking Instagram posts every three seconds of coffee or annoying quotes like "No matter what, remember that you are beautiful to me," I like them. Hell, sometimes I can like people who do that shit if they're nice. But most of the time, they're those people that think being depressed is cool and will tell you about how, once, in middle school, they got really upset and nearly cried. 

But my absolute favorite thing in the world about hipsters, by far, is the coffee thing. I love how fucking stupid that is. Every hipster loves coffee, talks constantly about coffee, posts pictures of coffee, fucks coffee, marries coffee, has little coffee babies, shoots the coffee family when they realize their fucking slut of a coffee wife was cheating on them. They love coffee. But here's why it's stupid: most of them don't drink coffee. There's a difference between a coffee and a Frappecino, guys. A lot of people don't realize that.

"But Ally!" You yell. "They sell it with coffee!" Yes, they do. Because it has about one shot of coffee. Do you know why they sell those? Because they want to get you to drink coffee starting at a young age. Frappecinos are fucking sundaes, basically. Sundaes with a shot of coffee. Now, I'm not saying you can't like them; I love them. But I don't like coffee. When you say you just love coffee so much and ugh you're just so cool man, you love coffee, no one drinks coffee, man, you're so awesome, and then you Instagram a picture of a frappecino, go fuck yourself. That's not coffee. That's like me giving you a piece of toast and covering it in butter and then putting a quarter of piece of cheese on it and you being like "OH MY GOD I LOVE GRILLED CHEESES SO MUCH OH MY GOD I'M JUST SO COOL."

Stop pretending that being hipster is some sort of "cool," "indie" thing.

Everyone is doing it.