Mental Beatdown

Not Understanding Loners

Okay so I'm legit just trying to make something up to take the heat off of my last rant.

Uh... Um...

Oh! Okay. Got one.

I'm a loner. I know, that must be so surprising. "But Ally," you yell. "Aren't you constantly surrounded by adoring fans that want to get in your pants?" Well, yes, but really I tend to stay on my own. I eat lunch alone, I stay in my room alone, I don't talk much. To me, this is all fine. I just don't like overstimulation, it freaks me out and makes me panic. Due to my anxiety, one of the things that sets me off in a really bad way is being around too many people or in a loud area. 

But, if you listen to many societies (particularly Americans, which is where I live and boil in hatred), those are all signs that you're super fucking crazy. I'm going to level with you guys: I probably sound super insane. But if you actually talk to me, on Skype or PM or Snapchat or text or whatever, I'm pretty okay. I don't talk about conspiracy theories or yell at people for no reason or write down people's names on a list I keep in my coat pocket. I don't even have a coat. It's too hot where I live. 

Anyway. I also watch a fair bit of news, just because I like feeling smart and impressing girls with a rundown of the situation in Gaza. It normally doesn't work, but it's totally worth a shot. Anyway, whenever something horrible happens, like a school shooting (where they mention this the most), one of the aspects of the killer/perpetrator is always if he was a loner or not. Apparently, this is a sign that someone is going to snap one day and go postal all over your town. You know what else is a sign of doing that? Being fucking crazy. Just because I like eating alone so I can think and not be stressed by overstimulation doesn't mean that one day I'm going to kill twenty people on my way to work. 

Unfortunately, this seems to have seeped into the culture here. People always look at me funny when I'm alone, or think I'm sad. I can't tell you the amount of times I've been happily eating alone in a cafe or something and someone comes over and whispers "Are you alright?" in my ear. That's the sweetest thing in the world, and I love people for doing that, but it is a sign of the way we see loners when I can't sit alone in a cafe without someone being concerned that I'm upset. I like being alone all the time, not just when I'm upset. Of course, I love hanging out with my friends and going out, but I very, very rarely go to parties with more than two people attending. I don't like feeling so forced to interact with people, because I'm awkward and I stutter sometimes and I am really uncomfortable to be around. I'd rather talk to two people that I've known for years than twenty people I don't know. 

I dunno. I'm going to go eat lunch alone now. Looking forward to it.