Still Falling For You

Introduction: Ellen Pompeo

I love my life right now. I really do. I love my job. I love my fans. I love my kids, my friends and my husband. Well at least I love my husband as a father and as a person. But love is a quite complicated word though isn't it?

I mean when I met Chris I thought I had found true love. Then all of a sudden Patrick walked in to my life and whatever I had felt before couldn't compare to the things I was feeling with him. But it took a while for me to admit it to myself because how could possibly the love of my life be an already married man? 

For years me and Patrick lived in this weird bubble that we somehow managed to keep to ourselves. Then one day he decided to show me that love can feel just as bad as good. After eleven years he decided to leave the show and leave me. He almost gave me no warning about it and when he was done, he walked away like what we had never existed at all.

I feel a hundred times better now than I did back then. I don't think about him as often as I used to do. I mean once a day tops! And when I do, I try to think about the good we shared instead of the bad. Therefore Iv'e desperately been trying to erase the memories of when he left for the past five years. But no matter how hard I try I still remember it like yesterday.

Chris was out of town. The kids were at school. And me? I had called in "sick" and was laying sprawled out in bed with tissue paper surrounding me while crying my heart out to Kate Walsh over the phone.

"I hate these stupid stupid feelings for this stupid stupid idiot who always puts me in these stupid stupid situations!!"

Kate lets out a small laugh and I can't help but chuckle too.

"Ellen-"

"What? It's true! He always does things like this! He gives me his full attention for weeks, then all of a sudden he tells me he needs space and time to be with his family! Like please! Can you make up your goddamn mind for once and decide what the hell you want from me!!" I started to get flared up again.

"I get it Ellen I really do, but did you honestly know what you wanted from him yourself?"

"I wanted him! I wanted to be with him and he knew that! He knew I would leave Chris in a second if he just asked but he never did! So I've just been waiting and waiting for him to get in a position where he has to make a decision for himself and now that day finally came and he decides to leave me! Stupid idiot.."

"I can't argue with that one, I would have chosen you in an instant."

I giggled, as did she. Then we became silent for a while. She probably waited for me to ramble some more but I felt nothing but exhausted. A single tear fell from my eye as I whispered into the phone

"Why does it have to hurt this goddamn much?"

Kate stays silent for a second and then sighs.

"Because it was real honey. Honest feelings and bad timing always make the most painful combination."