Ever After

Part 25 - I Hate You

The next few months go by quickly. Surprisingly Steve adapts quickly to life in the cabin, while you struggle from time to time. The simple life suited Steve, but you, you were a city girl at heart, and the bright lights of Brooklyn always tempted you back. But you couldn't. By now news was all over America about the 'Captain', the man who would change the tide of war. And while you could have tempted fate, you couldn't leave Steve.

As 1944 rolled in, you and Steve were finally comfortable, completely. Being together was the happiest both of you had felt since your reunion in 2012. Most importantly you were together, in love; despite the nagging guilt that was buried in you both.

You both had your moments. Every now and then the mask of happiness would slip off. And while you tried your hardest to hide it from Steve, he wore his with pride. Not daring to hide anything from you anymore. The only reason you never showed yours, was because you knew Steve would make that pain his own. It was his one constant thought: the guilt inside that he had trapped you here in the past.

A small part of you felt that way, and slowly, over the year it grew smaller. Your domesticated life with the man you loved, something you had only dreamt about, was now a reality. How could you hate him for that?

***

December 31st, 1944 appeared out of nowhere. While the city of New York was tentatively preparing to celebrate the New year, you and Steve were hunkering down, preparing for what would be the hardest part of your lives since returning to the 40s.

As the day of Bucky's 'death' got closer, neither you or Steve were willing, or able, to talk about it. Stoic silence from the both of you kept each other going, neither of you wanting to break down for the other. You had tried to distract yourself by making the cabin more homely, more suited to you and Steve's tastes; despite agreeing to it, Steve was thinking about leaving, taking you somewhere new so you could both start afresh.

On the actual day you both barely speak, both of you trying desperately not to crumble in front of each other until it was late enough for you to head to bed. It takes a while before finally you're able to stop crying enough to drift off. Not knowing that Steve had been watching you the whole time.

The rain lashing at the thin window wakes you with a fright; followed by a heavy thump. At first you thought it was thunder, but it was too close, and too sharp a sound. Realising Steve wasn't in bed beside you, you crawl from under the covers and try to find him.

Once again the heavy dull thump hits the cabin, too quickly for it to be the storm. Looking out of the small kitchen window you see Steve, dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and trousers, standing in torrential rain chopping wood for the fire. Wrapping yourself in a blanket you head out, standing on the porch trying to avoid the rain. You yell out to him, but he doesn't hear you; he's lost in his own thoughts. You shout louder, causing him to be momentarily distracted and getting the axe stuck.

Looking up at you, you can see the grief filling his eyes; and despite the rain running down his face you can make out the tears. "Go back to sleep Belle," He shouts back, his voice breaking as he tries to pull out the axe, but even with his strength, struggling.

"Steve, it's pouring down. Come back inside." You run to his side, but he ignores you, still fighting with the axe. In utter grief and frustration, Steve lets out a roar before ripping the axe, alongside the tree trunk it's embedded in, from the ground and launching it into the air. His back to you, you see his shoulder shuddering as he completely breaks. Despite feeling slightly taken aback by his outburst, you take a few steps closer to him and wrap your arms around him from behind, pressing your face into his soaking back.

"I should have saved him," Steve lets out in between sobs. "I shouldn't have let him get on that train. It's all my fault Belle." He almost falls to the muddy ground; but you manage to keep him upright.

"Let's get you inside," You press a kiss to his shoulder, but he rips your hands from him and starts to walk away. "Steve, don't do this please!" You beg, chasing after him.

"Why don't you hate me?" He shouts back over his shoulder. "I should have left you with him. Why didn't I let you save him?"

Finally you manage to catch up to him and pull him to face you. You try to grip his hand but he fights you, pushing you away again. In anger you lash out and push him back. "You think you're the only one who feels like this? Don't you think this is hard enough without me having to worry about you?"

"Then let me leave..."

"YOU ALREADY LEFT!" You push him again, just standing letting the rain pour over you. "In less than a month it'll be you crashing that damn plane! I lost EVERYTHING! Everyone! And I'm going to have to relive all of it, so if you want me to hate you for that then I do, OK. I HATE YOU!" As both of you simply stand and stare at each other, the water trailing down your face starts to calm you. "I hate that you wouldn't let me save him, I hate that you were ever put in that position." Your voice trembles as you break down. "I hate that we're stuck here without the people we love the most, but most of all. I hate that you feel this way about yourself, when all I wanna do is love you."

Taking a deep breath, Steve finally walks up to you, wrapping his arms around you, letting you rest your head on his chest. "It hurts Belle."

"I know," After standing for a while you finally manage to convince him to go back inside the cabin. Grabbing a fresh blanket you wrap it around him as he stands at the kitchen, water completely dripping from his clothes before you go and start a fire. Once you manage to get it going, you start to strip him from how wet clothing.

As you run your hands up inside his tshirt, you graze his abdomen; the contact making him look down at you with his tear stained face. "I'm sorry Belle," He breaks again slightly, grabbing your face and pulling you closer to him. "If I could change..."

"No more what ifs Steve," You sigh, closing your eyes as you press your head against his. "This is our life now. I wish the circumstances were different, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just happy to be with you."

Despite the sincere tone in your voice Steve can't quite accept what you've said, but he plays along; guilt still weighing heavily on him. "I love you Belle," he pulls you towards him again, pushing his lips hard onto yours. "Remember that OK. That I'll always love you."

"I know you do Steve," You kiss him back, wrapping an arm around his neck to pull him closer; not caring that your wet clothes are sticking to you, and creating a pool on the floor. "I love you too."

"There won't be anyone else, I swear. I'm never going to forget this time we had together." When he tries to kiss you again, you pull away.

"Are you going somewhere?" But Steve looks at the floor, giving you your answer. "You're leaving me? Steve? What's going on?"

He doesn't answer, but quickly moves to the bedroom, you hot on his heels. "It's for your own good Belle. Mine too."

"What the hell does that mean?" You barge in, trying desperately to grab his attention while he rakes around the room. "Talk to me Steve, I need to know what's going on." Finally he stops and turns to face you, tears and rain still dropping from his face.

In one hand he's holding his mother's hair clip, and the other a vial of red liquid: Pym particles. "I'm sending you home Belle. I'm sending you back to Bucky."