Ever After

Part 20 - Can You Forgive Me

The sudden warmth hits you first, making you open your eyes. Not knowing your surroundings you sit up, automatically the sting of pain emanating from your side makes you seethe; letting out a small groan before you try and move again. "Hey take it easy," Steve rushes to your side, brushing the hair from your face as you scour the room.

"Where are we?" You cough, throat dry as you place a hand over your side. Running your hand over the makeshift bandage wrapped around your waist; even more confused at the flowery pattern, taking you back in time.

"Your old apartment," Steve rushes to the sink to get you a glass of water, watching your every move as he does. "You know. Being a nurse, I'd have thought you'd have had some sort of first aid kit laying around." He half laughs, handing you the glass. "And then I remembered, you used to make your own."

"Well the amount of scrapes you boys used to get yourself into," You smile, taking a few sips. "I couldn't afford to keep that thing stocked up." You cough as you laugh, sending more pain shooting through you. "Wait, are we..." You take another look around the place. "Is this...are we...?" You stare around at the small, almost broken room you're in. You'd always tried your hardest to keep it presentable; Steve and Bucky helping where they could after your mother had died, leaving you the tiny apartment in her will. "Are we home?" You choke a sob at the memories the walls provide.

"I panicked," Steve blurts out, sitting on the bed next to you; it almost crumbling under his weight. "I wanted to get you home. Next thing I knew, we were here." He looks around the room too, struggling to comprehend it himself. "I thought it was smaller somehow," He tries to laugh, thinking back.

"That was just you," You laugh back, once again having to hold onto your side as even the small vibration from laughter stings. Taking a sip of water, the image of Bucky stabbing you in the side floods your vision. "Bucky?" You panic, almost dropping the glass to the floor. "Where's Bucky?" Steve sighs, looking at his watch, before placing his hand into yours.

"Right about now, heading to the Expo," He smiles, but it doesn't meet his eyes; those are filled with regret and guilt. "I'm so sorry Belle." Steve tries to wrap an arm around your waist, but you pull away from him, standing up and beginning to pace around the small living space that once was home.

"How could you do that Steve? How could you stop me? Why didn't we bring him with us? How could you just leave him there?"

"Belle," Steve stands, stopping your pacing by placing his hands on your shoulders. "We had to. We couldn't interfere with the timeline anymore than we already had..." But you push him off; not wanting to push you, he simply sits back down on the bed.

"You said Bucky told you not to." You start to remember the conversation in amongst the snow storm. "You said he knew I would try to, and that's why he didn't want me to go? Why?"

"Look you need to rest..."

"WHY STEVE?" Steve runs a hand through his hair. He gestures for you to join him, reluctantly you do so. When he takes your hand, your anger with him makes you pull away from his touch; no matter how much you wanted to be wrapped in arms. "I want to know everything. Why did Bucky try and warn me about Peggy? Why wouldn't he let me save him? WHY?"

"Where do I start?"

"From the beginning." He takes a deep sigh before looking at you. 

"For five years, I grieved for you. For Bucky. For everyone we'd lost. I didn't think I'd ever see you again." He takes your hand again, and this time you let him. "I imagined how you must have felt, all those years thinking Bucky and I were gone. And then I imagined how things could have been, how our lives could have played out."

"Why were you so eager to leave us behind then?" You can't help snap at him, even though you knew he was about to bare his innermost feelings; something Steve was as hesitant to do as Bucky was. 

"Because I thought I had a chance to make things right. After losing Nat, and then everything with Tony...I thought I could fix everything. Take back the stones, save you, save Bucky. Let you both have the lives you deserved to have before everything changed. Maybe I could have some sort of life too, knowing that I had made a difference."

"With Peggy?" Your heart stops as you ask the question; fearful that despite know how she had treated you, Steve was still in love with her. 

"Yes." He sighs, not wanting to look at you; not wanting to admit that that had been his first plan, especially after how close he had gotten to telling you the truth in the last few days. "Look Belle, deep down I didn't really want to leave you, ok. But..." He hesitates, making your mind race. "I'd maybe be able to live with myself, knowing that I had finally done something right; and that you and Bucky were together, like you were always supposed to be. That's the only reason I was coming back for Peggy."

"Steve..."

"Let me finish. After you said you'd come with me, I panicked. I couldn't let you know what I really planned to do, so I spoke to Bucky." He shifts a little in his seat, knowing that you were still likely to fire off at what he was about to tell you. "I told him that I was going to save him from being the Winter Soldier, that I was going to stop you from taking that serum. That you and he could go on the run from the war and live the life you were supposed to." He shakes his head at the memory. "But he said no. And he was right."

"You were going to stop me from..."

"I didn't think it through Belle. At that moment in time all I could think about was making sure that you and Bucky were together. No matter how I felt about you, that was the only way forward. But I was wrong, and Bucky helped me see that."

"How?" You ask, squeezing his hand. Despite how difficult this would be for him to say, and for you to hear, it had to be done. You both had to get all of this out in the open. Bucky's words keep repeating in your mind: "You need to tell him the truth Belle. So he can make the right decision."

"He pointed out that if I changed things, then..." He chokes slightly, gripping your hand tighter. "You and Bucky would be gone." He sobs slightly. "That I would come back to a 2023 where the two people I love the most would be gone. And I wouldn't have been able to tell you..." He hesitates again. "Besides Bucky didn't want to be saved."

"I don't believe that," You weep. "Why wouldn't..."

"Because it was his choice Belle." Steve interrupts you, voice calm before he reaches up and wipes the tears falling from your face. "He didn't want us to risk our lives trying to save him, that was his first thought. Or what if HYDRA caught us, did to us what they did to him. He wouldn't have been able to survive knowing that. He was adamant, and so I promised that I wouldn't. But he knew that would never be enough for you. So..."

"He convinced Strange to warn me off." You sigh as you realise, Steve nodding to confirm your suspicions. Strange didn't have access to the time stone, there was no way he could still look into the future and see that you would try and save Bucky. You had been wary, but so put off by his statement that you hadn't questioned it more; too wrapped up in the thought of losing Steve at the time. "But what about the Ancient One?"

"That I don't have the answer to." Steve sighs, sliding a little closer to you, wrapping an arm around your waist. "I'm sorry Belle. Trust me when I tell you that it killed me inside knowing that I had to leave him to go through that. I would do anything to take it back, but the reality is...I can't. Can you forgive me?"

Feeling completely overwhelmed, you pull away from him. Despite the pain in your side, you stand heading over to the window, looking out at the ramshackle apartment buildings covering Brooklyn. "I don't know Steve." You admit, even though it pains you. Knowing deep in your heart that Steve was telling nothing but the truth, you still couldn't quite believe it. "Do you still want to stay with Peggy?" You blurt out, only meaning to think it rather than say it. Quickly you slap a hand to your mouth, cursing yourself intentionally.

Steve takes a deep breath before standing beside you. Briefly placing a hand on your back, before ripping it away. "That depends..." He starts to say, but you don't hear the rest; feeling the pain rise in your chest before running out of the door, desperate to get away from him.