Ever After

Part 5 - I Can't Lose You Too

As you get back to your hotel room, mind still reeling from your conversation with Strange, your dumbfounded to see Steve sitting in front of your room door. Looking at your watch, you realise you had left the compound hours ago - how long had he been sitting there? "You not got anything better to do with your time Steven?" You ask, giving him a slight kick to move out of your way. As soon as he sees you he jumps up to attention. 

"Where have you been?" He demands, barging into the room after you.

"To see the doctor," You smirk, throwing your jacket over the table. Technically you weren't lying after spending time with many doctors today. Immediately Steve is at your back.

"Is something wrong?" his voice is filled with genuine concern as he places a hand to the small of your back, sending goosebumps up your spine and butterflies in your stomach.

"Yeah, my best friend wants to leave me and not come back." You snap at him as you turn around. Steve grabs your arms and holds you in place.

"This isn't a joke Belle. If you hadn't been avoiding me for the past two days I could explain." You try and fail to get out of his grasp, but even with the serum running through both of you, Steve was still stronger. "I have to do this."

"Why aren't we good enough for you?" You ask, voice wobbling. Deep down in your heart you mean yourself, but you're still too scared to tell him the truth. 

"It's not about that," he loosens his grip. "I just feel like I don't belong here anymore."

Breaking free from him you wipe your eyes. "How after everything we've been through, everything we've seen, can you not belong here?"

"Because we just had to adapt to it Bella." He walks over to your bed and sits down while you raid the mini-fridge for a drink. "You had some time to adapt for a few years but me and Buck..." He hesitates before accepting the drink you've offered him. "We just got thrown back into the war, into this new world."

"It wasn't exactly an apple pie life for me Steve," You reply sipping the drink, hating that the alcohol can't affect you the way it should. "I lost Bucky, I lost you, I lost myself."

"You had some life..."

"Really?" You spit out. "Letting Howard experiment on me decade after decade? Being pulled out of cryofreeze every few years, just to chase what I thought was a ghost story? Taking that damn serum in the hope that I could find you two idiots?" You down the rest of your drink, before pouring another one. "You really think that was some sort of life? It was better when were living in that slum of an apartment building. Least then the only thing I had to worry about was the cockroaches."

"God those things gave me the creeps." He half laughs, not meeting your eye. " Things were so much simpler back then, weren't they? I never really lived my life back then. You and Bucky were always the ones who did, while you dragged me along with you." Stopping briefly to take a drink before looking up at you. "I want to experience it. Enjoying life, finding a girl, going dancing - do all the things you and Buck used to do."

Your heart pulls as you think back to your time in the 40s. He wasn't exactly wrong, you and Bucky had to sometimes force Steve out of his house - whenever you went dancing it was always you and Bucky while Steve hid in the shadows. Seeing the man he had become, you could almost understand why that would appeal him now, it just didn't justify it enough for you. "You can still have that life here Steve," You sit down next to him, placing a hand on his arm, your brain screaming at you to tell him that he could have that life with you.

"It's not the same." he sighs as he takes your hand, breaking your heart even more. Pulling yourself away from him you down the rest of the glass, and get prepared for another one.

"Is this about Peggy?" You ask, taking a stab in the dark. It was something that had been on your mind since your conversation with Bucky. "Are you planning on going back to be with her?" Instantly Steve's face turns crimson red. He takes a sip, giving himself plenty to time to answer. "I'll take that as a yes then."

"No, it's not like that Belle..." He starts.

"Then what the fuck is it Steve?" You throw your glass to the floor, the smash echoing around the room. "Are you really willing to give up on over 80 years of love and friendship on the hopes that she might ACTUALLY want to be with you!" You start to pace the room, willing him to get up and argue with you, but as usual, he sat still, just watching you nervously. "You think she'd be willing to do everything I've done for you. Everything I've given up for you. Do you think she would be willing to leave everything she loved just to follow you."

 "Are you really sure you want to come with me?" His voice is full of concern, but also laced with a tinge of fear, as he finally speaks.

"Of course," You spit out, before picking up another mini bottle from the fridge and down another drink. "I'm never going to stop trying to bring you home." You feel the tears pulling at your eyes. "We just got Bucky home. We've just lost Tony and Nat," You sigh trying to hold in the sobs. "I can't lose you too Steve."

Suddenly you feel his arms wrapped around you, and against your better judgement you return it, holding him so tightly. "I don't want to leave you," he whispers it so quietly that you know you weren't meant to hear it. He also mumbles something else, but you can't make it out. 

"Then don't." you plead, nuzzling into his chest. "Don't leave me, don't leave Bucky. Just hang up the shield and live your life here."

"Ok, Belle." He kisses the top of your head, tightening his grip while your body is wracked with sobs. "We'll take the stones back, and then come back home." You smile into his chest, but in your heart you knew he was lying. Simply enjoying this close moment between you, you let it go for now. Fighting to bring him home was just going to have to be another day.