Peace - jaylor story (peace book 1)

Jeans and invisible string

**Late April **

-taylors pov- 

The weeks have been flying by and I'm now around the 16-week mark which is nerve-wracking. My stomach has been getting bigger for a couple of weeks now. Around 14 weeks was when I really noticed it but now it's not possible to not see it. Thankfully we have already recorded the cardigan music video, so I don't need to think about hiding the bump, and two days ago we also had a photoshoot for the cover with a photographer that works alone and shoots on film. We wanted to get all this stuff out of the way before things became too challenging. 

I pull my jeans up and groan in frustration. My clothing really isn't fitting anymore, only sweatpants and big shirts, but I want to wear my jeans. "You okay Taylor?" joe says and come into the closet. 

Turning around I look at him with tears in my eyes "my jeans won't fit anymore. They fit a few weeks ago but now... I can't close them..." I say and start to sob. He comes over and hold me close to his chest "oh Taylor, it's okay. Maybe it's time to get you some maternity clothing?" he says and kisses the side of my head, but I pull away, take a step back and cross my arm in front of my chest. 

"So, you think I'm fat is that what you're saying? That I'm too fat to fit into my clothing so I need to wear stupid maternity clothes? Clothes where I'm so fat that I can't even wear jeans with a zipper and buttons because they got those stupid stretch big waist bands. I knew you were going to say I look fat---" I go on a rant, but joe stops me. 

"Taylor, you know that's not what I was saying" he says and run his hands through his hair. 

The tears are flowing down my face, he is going to leave me. Now I'm so fat and disgusting that no one could love me. He doesn't want this baby; he is going to leave me, and I will be all alone. The air starts to get constricted in my chest and I start to hyperventilate. My legs are starting to give out, so I slide down against the drawers full of clothes that won't fit this fat body. 

Joe gets on his knees in front of me "Taylor, you need to take deep breaths. I promise you, you're not fat. You're pregnant my love, not fat. There is a growing baby in there, our baby" he says and takes my hands. 

"you're going to leave me because I'm so fat. I'm disgusting and you should run before it's too late. I'm disgusting" I say but he puts a finger to my lips "Taylor love, you're not disgusting at all. I love you; I love all of you. I'm not going anywhere, I would never leave you, my love. There is nowhere in the world I would rather be. You're everything to me and there is no one else I would want to do this with. You're my whole world, you and our baby who is now the size of an avocado. He or she is growing in there and that's why your belly is getting bigger, there is a baby Taylor" he says and gently wipe away my tears. 

There have been several times these last couple of weeks where I break down in full blown panic attacks when I see my stomach and realize what's going on. I'm starting to really love this baby, I really do, and I don't want to part way with it ever, but it's really overwhelming. Now I really know I want this baby, I'm just not sure this baby will want me. There are so many better candidates out there for mothers, I'm a trainwreck. Not to mention that having me as a mother brings danger into this baby's life. I'm the reason he or she is going to live in constant danger. 

"so, you will still love me when I get as big as a whale and can't even tie my shoes anymore? And when my thighs, stomach and boobs get stretchmarks? You will still want to touch me?" I say gently through the tears as my sobs turn into sniffles. 

"of course, I will love you. Do you know what stretchmarks show?" he says, and I shake my head "they show that you've done something incredible with your body. You've protected a human inside of you for 9months so it could safely come into the world. Stretchmarks is a sign of a girl turning into a woman. They're beautiful and a sign that you're a badass grown woman. I will draw stars around your stretchmarks and still worship your body like I've done since day one. I would be a fucking kid if I looked down on you from this, I'm a man and I don't care about that stuff. I don't care about stretchmarks, it's a sign that you've done something incredible. I will always want to touch you; I always love to make you feel good. And I will tie your shoes when the baby belly gets too big so you can't bend over anymore, I'm here to help you love" he says and cups my face and lean in to kiss me gently.