What if i told you i love you?

Twenty one

⚠️This chapter contains mentions of self harm

I woke up with nothing but negative thoughts circling my brain, and the thoughts were telling me to do one thing, one thing i promised myself i would never do again.

I gently removed myself from Mapi's arms and grabbed my phone, looking at the time. 3:25am.

I got out of bed and rummaged around her room grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, i then walked into her bathroom and fell to the floor with a razor in my hand as well as the pen and paper.

I sighed and began to write a letter.

To Mapi

I just want you to know that none of this is your fault. If anything i stayed a little longer because of you. I've tried to end my life before, many times but i promised myself i would never do it again, but these thoughts are too much, they're driving me to do it.

Mapi, i love you. I love you more than i can put into words. I've never loved someone the way i love you, and being able to call you my girlfriend is the best feeling in the world, but now i'm gone you need to find someone else. I want you to find love, better love, and i want you to be happy.

You're the best thing that's happened to me, so please don't blame yourself for this as it's not your fault. My life has been a mess from the minute i opened my eyes, but meeting you made all of the pain i went through worth it because to me you're everything and more. You're an amazing person and you will do great things. Never listen to the haters because you know who you are and so do i.

I'll watch over you and protect you. Never forget me, because i'll never forget you.

Tell Alexia that she will always be my big sister and the love i have for her is unlimited. She made me feel safe when the world was crumbling under my feet and i can't thank her enough.

Tell Patri that she is the best pivot in the world and will always be my midfield maestro. Tell her never to give up and live life to the fullest. Tell her i love her.

Tell Leila that she never failed to put a smile on my face and she is one of the best people i have ever met. Tell her i love her, and i always will.

Tell Jonatan that i can't thank him enough for the opportunity he has given me. Tell him that Barca will always be my club and my home. Tell him he is the best coach i've ever worked under and tell him to win it all.

Tell Jorge that i'm so thankful for the opportunity he gave me. Tell him i got to fulfil the last of my dreams because of him. Tell him that he has what it takes to win the world cup, the team has what it takes.

Tell the girls, all of them, that i love each and everyone of them so much. Tell them that they made me the happiest i have ever been in twenty-one-years and tell them to win the champions league.

Tell the fans that they gave me the confidence to keep going. They helped me settle in and they made Barcelona my home. I'll always love them and tell them to stick by the girls, no matter what.

Goodbye Mapi, i love you❤️

From Emily.

******
I put the letter on the floor and sat with my back against the wall as i stared at the door with teary eyes. I looked at the razor and put it up to my wrist, i whispered 'I'm sorry, i love you'. I then put it in my arm but as soon as i done this the door opened and the light turned on. When i looked up, i saw Mapi, she didn't look angry or disappointed she looked scared and worried.

"Emi, put it down"
She whispered as she slowly walked towards me. I didn't answer Mapi, i just shook my head.

"Emi, please"
As Mapi said this her voice broke and i broke down into tears. I slowly removed the razor from my arm and put it down.

As soon as i done this Mapi ran over and pulled me onto her lap, she then rocked me back and forth, playing with my hair.

"I've got you. Everything is going to be okay"
Mapi kept whispering but i didn't answer, i just continued to cry in her arms.

"I promise you this pain won't last forever, because one day we will be happily married and traveling the world. My future has you in it, so please, Emi, please don't do that again. I'll be with you every step of the way, but i promise you, you won't feel like this forever"

"Promise?"
I said softly and fragile.

"Look at me"
Mapi said lightly, so i did. I looked at her and the first thing she done was wipe the tears from my face. She then placed her hands gently on my cheeks.

"I promise you that you won't feel like this forever and i promise you no matter how hard it gets, i won't leave your side. You will get better and you won't give up because you're a fighter. Okay?"
I gently nodded before burying my head in Mapi's chest.

"I love you, Emily"
She whispered into my ear.

"I love you, Mapi"
I mumbled back as my head was still buried in Mapi's chest.

After a few minutes we got up. I picked up my letter and Mapi carried me back to bed. I lay with my head on her chest and she played with my hair.

"I wrote a letter"
I said before handing it to her. Mapi read it and once she did she had tears in her eyes. Mapi put the letter on her bedside table and then wrapped her arms firmly around me as she placed numerous kisses on my head.

"Next time you feel like that please come to me"
She pleaded.

"I promise. I'm sorry"

"Hey, don't apologise. You don't have anything to be sorry for"

"I do. I almost left you, Alexia, Patri and the team alone. I was being selfish"
I started to cry again.

"But you didn't, Emily. You didn't leave us. You're still here and so are we"
I nodded into her chest.

"Get some sleep, baby"

"I love you"
I said.

"I love you so much"

I fell asleep with my head against Mapi's chest and with Mapi's arms firmly around me.

She saved me.