Pricked

18

                        **********

I hadn't even noticed that Peter appeared with Arren today, I was too caught up in my own little world of self-pity.

"Do you think it's possible, to wake someone after this long?" Peter's voice is almost considerate, but more confused on his friend's constant need to fix me. Arren's hope is transferred to fear and anger. When people doubt his skill and knowledge even with the unknown, his whole body tenses up. "Wouldn't she have severe brain damage, memory impairment? Lots of things can go wrong can't they? I mean, I know I'm not doctor, but I hear stories of people that-"

"Her condition is different; no one has seen anything like it." Arren's interrupts, his voice is harsh, but I know he doesn't mean to lash out at his friend. He is upset that Peter has such little faith in him and his skills, but in all honestly I don't have much faith in anyone's ability to fix me. Arren turns away from Peter and back to me and he becomes still and his face turns blank.

"Don't lose hope Arren, don't lose faith."

"It's just that she has been under for a very long time and there is..." Peter stumbles on his words, pain floods his eyes. "And I feel that..." he stops again and bites at his lip, twists his feet getting out an anxious twitch for what he might say.

I want to read his mind, to find out what he is really thinking. For him to not hold back anything, he's never held his tongue before, not like this, so why start now?

Peter sucks in a deep breath and focuses on me then looks to Arren.

"You are no closer to finding a cure." His words aren't harsh but truthful, but they still feel like a jab to the chest.

"Don't be the throne in my rose." I say mindlessly as I crumple to the floor. Peter keeps talking, but all I hear now is blah, blah, blah, as Arren's pain radiates to me. He sits on the floor at my bedside and tucks his head down into his knees. He moves his folded hands up to his head to pray and even though his eyes are closed a single tear falls before he can hold it back.

"Dr. Grayson?" Peter drops his head down as well, he looks unsatisfied at what he said. As if he should have kept his mouth shut, than his friend wouldn't be so distort. Arren stays unmoving, just a small shake in his hands and the rise and fall of his chest. "Arren," he says again, I look up, but Arren stays in prayer. "Ahh," it comes out like a groan and a cry, a surrender of sorts. "Arren, I'm sorry to be the barer of reality but think about what I said... please." With that Peter left, and I hope to never see him again. His reality can't be my fate, can't be my destiny. He is supposed to be Arren's friend yet he... A real friend loves and makes sacrifices, not this disappointment. I look to Arren; his chest rises and falls faster now as he withholds a cry.

Peter is trying to keep Arren from losing his mind. To set him free, and stop trying to save me. Arren lets out a cry, his lips trembling, eyes wavering, hands slowly beating against his forehead. Peter wants Arren to give up in order to keep Arren's reality in check. Helping me or at least trying to, is difficult and possibly a losing battle. There is nothing false about his statement; there is no hope in finding a cure.

"Give up," the words escape my mouth as my brain processes. "Give up." I say louder still processing, not a statement or a request, but an option, a valid option. Arren rises and packs his things, he doesn't say anything and he doesn't look to me. He walks to the door and heads out to leave. I wish to follow him, but this truly is the end. I wish to cry, and then I just wish to die. The door swings closed and the lock embraces its hinge.

**********

They shut the door and now I'm trapped. I can't very well tell them that I like to wander around the palace. That I like the door a crack open or else I'm just like a caged bird. It seems like the only view I've ever had is from the inside out. A stupid tinge of faith keeps telling me there's more, there is a reason for all this but I believe in doubt. Because the door is always closed when I need an escape. A path, a way away from this eternity in agony and wait... I run to the door anyway and place my hand on the wood pressing my palm deeper into the door unable to move it.

All these doctors, all this time, I let out a laugh of pain and frustration. They tricked me into thinking things can get better, but it feels like forever since I have seen the sky. If they could see what I see, all this pain and confusion in the waiting, then maybe they'd believe the light doesn't always rise.

The window looks so large when it's the only real thing that connects me to the world outside. Because there's a great big world outside and oh how much I wish I could just jump and soar and fly. But life has to hurt, so I feel like such a caged bird. I move away from the door, my hand drapes down the wood until I can no longer touch it as I move towards the dying light of the day.

Mitch used to tell me I could sing really well, but I never wanted to be heard. I wanted to sing all alone, I liked it in silence.

He told me "you don't have to silence every song you want to sing." I would open my mouth to object, but he would always lift me up and make me feel like the only person in the world. "And you can't even imagine how strong you are! How amazing you will be." I don't think I will ever truly understand how lucky I am for having him. Maybe now that I don't have him it's come to my realization of how important and crucial he is, for everything I did, how important he still is for everything I do. Now I just want to be heard and I want to be heard by Mitch.

"You won't be alone," I sing softly, " just let me love you home." I'm drawn back to my room, my cage. The image of Mitch is gone and it's quiet, so quiet. I lean in close and listen to my heart slowly beating, that's the only sound I hear. I don't know how long it has been since stuck here without Mitch, the days all look the same to me now. But the stars he would say "You and me are always under the same stars. So I'm never all that far away."

The sky is clouded and the sun is still descending in the sky. But soon, the stars will shine and I will be connected to my best friend once again. So I pray to the sun, the moon and the stars, I pray to God that Mitch finds his way to me. But, if he doesn't find his way to me I pray to God that he is happy without me anyway.

"Come with me and you won't be alone." I think back to Arren and Peter I suppose for those moments I was not entirely alone, but what if they don't come back? What if this is the end?

I hate this feeling. I'm all alone with my memories. My chest tightens and if my heart could race, it would. My heart would fill with pain and tears would overtake my eyes, I wouldn't be able to see past the tears. Tears would continue to fall until my eyes ran dry. Then I would weep dryly until there was nothing left holding me together. All my strength and power to go on, to fight another day, to steal another item, to find my next meal, to do anything really, it would all be gone. My motivation gone. It would be gone, all of me, gone.

Suddenly the door swings open and I jump back at the sight.

"Arren" I'm no longer scared, I'm no longer alone. He rushes to the bed side and grabs his notebook that he must have forgotten.

"I forgot this" he says waving the book in the air. "but I won't forget about you, I'm not giving up." he is holding my hand now, I didn't see him move but suddenly, he is here with me. But Peters words, harsh but true come back to me in a rush of emotions. "Don't listen to Peter, he doesn't know medicine." He is unwilling to give up. But my will to continue is long past due.